Leaving home - Letting go - Flow

I had a dream a few years back that I was packing up my house.  It was disturbing to me because I didn't want to leave my home. But in the dream I could clearly see me packing my breakables from the tall shelves in my living room.  At that time it made me really sad to think that I was not staying here. The women in my family have always felt they received messages from their dreams so I did take it to heart.

During my hypnotherapy we talked about the happiest day of my life being when I left home. I was free from the dysfunction and control of my step mother and father. With my permission she used that idea during our meditation.  Saying that I was ready to leave home even to the point of having me visualize packing the things I wanted to take and walking out and closing the door behind me.  I hate to say it but I really took nothing in my visualization.

Things are moving for me spiritually, physically and financially.  I did close a few deals at work which gave me a moment to exhale and really work on my personal life.  Today I had the Restore come and pick up a truck load of furniture and building supplies.  Stuff I have been holding on to since the recession just in case I needed them. I wasn't sure where I was going and wasn't willing to let go of anything.

Sadly I did give up my Mid-Century Modern dinning table.  Really nice with two leaves.  This is the only piece that gave me pangs of regret.  It really never fit in this house and in the right space it could have the life it deserves. I used it in my studio and was afraid it would get damaged.  I also have to make space for a fancy new treadmill that I bought and it will have to go in my studio when it arrives. This is the physical change I am making I had one in there before and it broke down so I know I will use it.

I feel I have been stuck for a  long time even after the depression lifted. Life felt awkward to me without a clear direction.  I thought after the breakup I would meet someone new life would progress naturally and I would have direction. I guess instead life and my inner spirit decided I needed a long time to stew and find peace and to accept myself  "just as I am." So I have done that and feel really free today.  Like I did when I left home a million years ago.

I believe everything in life has a flow and like it or not some parts of the flow can be painful and long. It can require just sitting in the same place until acceptance happens and then miraculously stuff starts to move.  Just a little at first, so don't get your hopes up, then everything starts to fall into place. I feel I am finally moving not literally from my home but I am no longer dissatisfied with life.

I have packed up my living room stuff like the dream preparing for the kitchen remodel. So that part of the dream did come true. I decided to bless my furniture before they picked it up.  I prayed that it would find a home and give someone the comfort that it gave me when I used it.  I know it sounds crazy I think we leave our energy where every we go so it makes sense to me that our belongings carry the same energy.  That is why it is hard to let go of those family things even if they don't work.

So if you are stuck don't feel like it is forever.  You are moving forward even if it is so slow you can't see or feel it.  Things are happening inside your spirit is healing and you will be stronger when the healing is done.  Like me you may be leaving home again.  Taking charge of your own destiny instead of letting other people have power over you.  It is your life and the only one we are sure we have so don't let anyone stop you. 

Should I stay or should I go

When you live long enough you have some perspective on life that is if you are paying attention.  First you know that everything changes from jobs to friends to partners. The choices are to grow together or move on. I have a tendency to stay too long no matter what.

I use to think staying was the right thing to do.  If you make a commitment then you stay until the bitter end and boy was that end always bitter. I also thought I was good person and good people do the right thing and be compassionate and understanding until again the bitter end. All of these decision were about me and how I viewed myself and how if I left I was inconsiderate and worse a quitter. I would be lumped into the same category as the ones who gave up in search of greener pastures.

If I stay I can be the martyr and be safe.  I can let time and the other person or company dictate my future.  I can be the victim of what life lays before me instead brave and taking a chance that there is something better out there for me. Someone or some job that better suites me. What if I am wrong and I leave the comfort and suffering of my current situation to jump into another worse situation.

This is the dilemma of change for every moment of everyday. This is how the mind keep us stuck where we are until someone or something from the outside forces us to make move. For me I found out I was the only one in my monogamous relationships that was being monogamous.

I am not sure where this is coming from today or why I am compelled to share it with you but there it is. I always wanted peace and to me peace meant trying to keep things the same or worse try to make things the way they use to be. A dreamier time a memory of something that no longer exist and truthfully wasn't that good when it was happening.

I have never made the break on my own except when I left home at 16 and when I left my own business to work for someone else. Both times I picked me and my happiness over what I thought was best for everyone. I will say both of those choices were the best choices I made in my life.

Losing Control - Finding Freedom

Work is in full swing for me my old place of business was liquidated at auction.  Probably not the most cost effective way to take care of things but I am not there to do that.  I have moved on.  I didn't even feel the need to make a phone call or even to do a drive by to look at the damage. It is over for me now.

I am free.  I didn't realize what an emotional drain it was putting on me waiting for the next shoe to drop.

In the past I would want to blame somebody for the way things turned out but today I can accept that everything has an ending. Whether it is a job or a relationship everything must change and I have to learn to go with it and not try to stop life from happening.

Saturday at the end of the day someone got fired after being there for many years. Who gets fired on Saturday? We helped her put her things in her car she looked completely shocked. I have been there many times.

We are so afraid when we don't know what is ahead for us.  We ask ourselves "will I ever be happy again?" "will I ever feel safe again?'  When something in life surprises us it shakes us from the dream.  The dream that we have made up for ourselves that nothing will ever change. It feels so bad we never want to be there again.

For me I thought these things happened because I wasn't smart enough to see it coming. I knew if I would have to work harder and be better prepared the next time.  In my relationships this meant I kept people at arms length.  At work I tried to be perfect I would anticipate the needs of my customers before they even knew it themselves. This is exhausting.

To the people that I have loved and that have loved me back....

If I can keep you happy you will love
me.  If you are unhappy you might hurt me or at least not love me. If you aren't happy with me it must be something I have done.

I have suffered a lot mostly at my own hands because I thought I caused you to hurt me or reject me. I spent so many years trying to discover what was wrong with me and why you left me. Taking my own inventory over and over only to discover decades later that I don't have any control over how you feel about me.

The truth finally discovered  I have been absent for most of my own life. When I was worried about you and your happiness I was preoccupied and missed my own life and my own happiness. Your happiness always came first. I knew when you were happy I was doing things right and when you weren't I was doing things wrong.  I needed to know you needed me.

I see it clearly now and I have to let you go. I have let you be over there feeling what ever you have to feel. I have to be okay over here feeling helpless watching you even if that means you walk away.  I will be kind if I can.  I will be respectful of your feelings but they are not mine. I will love you even if it is from afar.  I will miss you if you leave but you won't take a part of me with you this time. I am here and you are over there and that is how it has to be.

 It it not my fault and it is not yours. It is just how it has to be me over here and you over there.