Shutting out the noise - Choose Peace

I could write about state of the our nation but I will leave that to others let's face it we have address our own lives and decide whether to let these things control us by filling us with fear.  I don't believe in the good old days every decade has sucked for someone somewhere. Life is full of scary things.

We have to just decide how to move on with the world that is presented to us today. Every intelligent awake person could see this coming a mile away.  I told someone that if he loses it will take tanks to get him out of the White House. He lives only in his mind and has no connection to reality. Surrounding himself with only people that agree with him. The "emperor's new clothes"comes to mind. 

Okay just a little politics.  I have been easing back into work and enjoying the little quiet time I have left and doing a lot of writing. Like I have said before I am writing my life story because it helps me to know where I am emotionally and what areas are still buried. 

In this process I have been doing a little fact checking and realized that my mental timeline has been off. Things actually took months not years. I believe that everyone has their version of the truth. When we have been hurt deeply we make up the story of that hurt and we carry it with us for as long as it serves us. We repeat the story to ourselves and depending on how creative we are we smooth over the details and maybe embellish them.

The worst thing we do is let the story we tell ourselves create a permanent scar on us emotionally. We then have to walk around as wounded adults that need to be fixed. For me I have carried the burden of my own story all my life and I have the embellished facts of my story to back me up. My story was the idea that I was not lovable.

Writing it all down even though very emotional and painful at times. Painful enough that I had to stop and take a break also lets me place these memories outside myself. It is more like a character in a novel and not really me anymore. It puts distance between the part of me that gets stuck in the past. 

Holding on to what hurt us keeps it alive while those that hurt us live on without a thought about what they did. Most of the people I have loved never really saw me and weren't capable of shared love. They couldn't show love or emotion except maybe anger. This is how I grew up and this kind love felt so familiar to me and I have picked it again and again. I know how to be invisible and I know how to be autonomous. In the past decade I have learned to love and take care of myself. I am no longer waiting for others to value me to value myself.. This has felt like freedom.  

When I write about my life I sometimes feel it is totally narcissistic but I get a sense of healing. I chance to see just how far I have come. I guess it takes a lifetime.

I know the world is an overwhelming place right now but we can only live minute to minute. We can  choose peace by finding a quiet place even if that sitting in car somewhere to just soak in the silence.Turn of the the news and our phones for 15 minutes and just soak up the silence.  Of course I recommend writing without censoring what is being written. The mind is always trying to heal itself. 

 

Confronting the past - our unique fears - denial is coping - forgiveness

One of my favorite bloggers seems to be missing along with all his comments.  I hope everything is alright.  Over the years many bloggers have drop off but usually with some kind of farewell explanation.  In life everything runs its course and maybe it is just his time. 

I was painting my deck yesterday and pulling weeds today and had time to think.  I did sleep long and hard last night and got up this morning and gathered my thoughts.  I have been reading my mother's Bible mainly because I have be looking through family pictures and thinking of her.  I will say this is the same Bible that she taught me to read with.  It is not translated other than in English to bring it up to more modern standards. We read a chapter every night and I was particularly fond of the "verily - verily I say unto you" parts.

Don't stop reading because I mention the Bible. I have been treated badly by people who professed to be God fearing Bible lovers and I chunked the Bible out along with them a long time ago.  Anything that represented what those people said they believed in was off limits. Today know that it isn't all or nothing. 

What Al-Anon did for me in my early 30's was to find the God of my own understanding. It was good start for me realizing it was up to me to come to terms with how I was treated and establish the God of my own understanding. I didn't really trust my childhood God because he took my mother and replaced her with one of the most selfish unloving people on the planet. With that I lost the rest of my family because I could not tolerate the hypocrisy of those who professed to be Christians.

Of course this is totally my problem. I was never great at pretending things are one way when it is obvious that they are totally another.  I say that when I lived with bold face alcoholism and totally ignored it until it was too late and it had destroyed my own confidence and my marriage. I am no different than anyone else when it comes to denial or living in a fantasy.

Some many things in this world are hurtful and sometimes devastating and denial is how we survive. When something rocks our world we find other people that think like us and huddle together chanting our own beliefs until the storm passes. There is a lot of this going on right now on both sides.

Sometimes individually we break from the group because we know that no one could possibly understand how we are suffering because it feels too personal. For me I broke away because I felt that I couldn't possibly put the burden of my pain on another human. This left me alone to find the strength within and to rely on something greater than myself. 

This is the point of God or whatever you believe in that doesn't depend on you to have the answers. I have found strength in ultimately letting go of everything I ever believe to be true. With letting go my life began to flow again. Every difficult thing I faced was resolved without my tight grip on it. I let go of my idea of the way things had to be and received peace. Nothing even now seems to move when I have an agenda. I have tested this over and over with every part of my life and it is always true. 

I know that forcing a solution on my terms never works. Turning my will over to a power greater than myself is humbling and freeing. My thoughts and prayers over any situation without demanding a certain outcome can result in a literal miracle.  Sometimes leaving me thinking "I never imagined that as a solution to the problem". 

I am not afraid of my past anymore or the God that I was raised with. I can read the Bible without attaching what people have to done to me in his name. People are flawed.  I am flawed and everyday I have to live with my own humanness and walk in faith that I haven't done too much damage. 

I have done my best just like everyone else.  I have ask for forgiveness from my God the universe and from myself. I have hurt myself the same as I have hurt other people along the way. Just as I offer forgiveness to them I can offer it to myself. It may not seem like it but we all live in fear and this causes us to react in unique ways based on our own past. 

Today I am feeling peace and for that I am grateful. 

 

What matters - Our own beliefs - Emotional un-rest

I have written a few post that for some reason I didn't post.  They must have been just for my own therapy and not for general consumption.  These are strange times and the pandemic has brought to the top emotions that have been pushed down for a long time

All our insecurities and fears plus the fact that we lost our routine and the ability to just get out and get rid of the anxiety physically has made things worse.  My sister called late one night this week and we were discussing the riots and of course we were on opposite sides. She said "all lives matter" and then began to talk about other persecuted and discriminated people. I said " you can't see their skin color from a car 30 feet away and stop them without cause" It is not the same.

Most people have felt some kind of discrimination at some point in their lives. Times when you weren't liked or didn't feel welcome in a group. Women have be discriminated against in their homes. The truth is we don't know what it feels like to be anybody but ourselves.  

We all carry emotional burdens passed down by our families. The difference is that with the African American people are the only people brought to this country against their will.  Everyone else wanted to come here or were already here. The idea that at one point your family belonged to someone else cannot ever be understood by us. No matter how long ago this was.

Everyone of us is a piece of our past. We can't solve this but we can show that we are open to listening and understanding where the pain is coming from. We all have ideas that were given to us by our families and we unfortunately believe them. Only time and ruthless evaluation of these ideas will make us see that some of our beliefs are not true in general or not true for us anymore. Asking ourselves where did this belief come from and is it serving me anymore?

We are scared because the person we believe we are today is based on out history and the history of our country. Who we think we are is built around institutions with names or statues that seemed a permanent to our lives. We want to glaze over the not so shiny parts of our past because it is easier. They aren't offensive to us so what is the big deal. Especially in the south, for some, their whole identity is wrapped up in these ideas. We lost and we have never quite got over that. Really?

It feels especially scary when the rest of our lives have already been turned upside down. Nothing seems stable right now and unless you have strong roots to keep you grounded it feels like the world is coming to and end. I imagine every generation has felt this with presidents being shot and wars. 

We got to get a grip and focus on what we can do right this moment. The thoughts and fears in our heads can cause us suffering. Life will go on like it or not we can't prepare for the unknown.  We have to look the thoughts that we are having that are hurting us and take control. 

The world and this country has always had times of unrest followed by growth. When times are good we push down all the things that we don't want to see. We are being forced to see something that has been going on forever. Nothing changes without pain and suffering.

What can we do? We can support what is right. We can force our law enforcement to protect everyone. People who don't have guns should not end up dead when in police custody. We have to make everyone accountable for their actions. This is our government and it is our responsibility to do what is right.

Personally we want to show respect for everyone. I know we will keep evolving like it or not. It will be put on the next generation to keep moving forward. I have faith that even in these difficult times we will sort this out even though we will forever be changed and that is a good thing.  

   

Committing to myself - Mind games - Being appreciated

I tore my deck up yesterday.  I knew this was coming but I don't like to commit mentally or physically in advance to these kinds of projects because it scares me too much.  I start thinking to myself "what if I can't put it back together?" I know once I get into it I will figure it out but the commitment terrifies me.

One thing about getting older and really knowing yourself is that you know the way your own mind works and if you are quiet you can identify the fear that lies beneath. My fear always surfaces when I think "I can't do this or worse I don't want to do this by myself".

At this point of fear I usually want to eat something.  The moment feels like too much and I want to run away.  Before no carbs this meant the M&M's from the vending machines upstairs at work. Now it means more than a few cashews or almonds.  If I am rested and focused I can identify that moment of dreading something and just stop and see it for what it is a moment of doubt.

I am a strong person and have battled my way through a lot obstacles wishing someone would swoop in and save me from them or at least help me. I have rarely experienced that someone willing to just say "hey I can help you with that what do you need done?" This has been my lifetime fantasy.

I remember once at Thanksgiving I met my aunt and uncle at their son's house a few hours from where I live.  The guys were outside and came into the house and said your tire is low would like us to take it up to the corner and get it checked.  It was so weird to have someone think about me an my welfare. Even now just writing about this makes me emotional.

I have taken care of myself my whole life and when I was younger I was afraid to depend on anyone to do anything for me. My choice of friends and partners were either just like me autonomous or they just let me do everything.  My most recent ex would do whatever I ask but never considered me otherwise.

I blame myself for being "Autonomous - Declining all outside contributions" This is from Al-Anon about how the program doesn't accept donations from people that might want something in return.
Yesterday I did some emotional dumpster diving looking up my ex and finding what seemed like happiness displayed through social media. I promptly went outside and tore up my deck.

I have never wanted that life back since it was split apart without warning but my life hasn't turned out how I imagined it would. I never longed those times when I was the caretaker of someone else is life and was rarely even seen. My part of this is that I liked it that way being the rock which everything was built on. I knew this part well being invisible.

I am not that person anymore and I am happier than I have ever been being on my own and being visible to myself and a few other people willing to actually see me. I can appreciate what I bring to my own table and not feel like if something were to happen to me that the people that say they love me would disappear like they have in the past.

I have forgiven myself for the choices I have made because I did my best.  The child in me just wanted to be loved, cared for and cherished.  I thought if I was always contributing someone would see me and say "thanks so much - what would we do without you?"  This is what a child wants to be seen and thanked or at least acknowledged.

My mother would ask me to clean my room and after I was finished I couldn't wait to show her the results. "Come see what a great job I have done" this usually ended in "if only you could keep it this way".  Not quite good enough I am sure this isn't what she meant.  I have heard the same thing come out of my sister's mouth. We were always striving for better in our house compliments were few and far between. It was meant to keep us humble and it worked.

So I tore up my deck and feel pretty drained today and slept about nine hours.  I don't carry this stuff around too long anymore maybe a few hours because I know that I have done best.  I am happy with the day I have before me or at least what is left of it.

Whether you are a mother or not this mother's day when someone does something right just point that out to them and thank them for giving of themselves. We are never too old to hear that what we have contributed has been seen by the people we love. I know I have been guilty of this myself plenty of times but I am going to keep trying to see the effort. 

Music Therapy - Peace - Putting Fear aside

I have been working on my house today listening to the 70's music collection.  I requested this for one of my many birthdays.  Of course everyone made fun of me at the time. I think it was the Time Life series advertised with an infomercial.  It is one of the longest lasting gifts I have ever had. When I want to just tune out the world it quiets my nerves.  Oddly enough when I am at home I like silence.

You don't get this when you are living with another person really ever.  Especially with a sports fanatic or in the case of my in-laws who were hard of hearing and kept the TV blasting. Sound has always been an issue for me because I have incredible hearing. It isn't just that things are loud it is certain decibels of sound makes me really nuts to the point of putting on head phones.

This person at work has a family of five that are loud and chaotic and their son who otherwise seems normal just doesn't respond to them until they call him a few times. They took him in to get his hearing tested and it is perfectly normal. I told him he was tuning them out to cope with the volume and chaos going on all the time. I remember when my family had big get together s I would have to find a quieter place when it became too much. 

I enjoyed the music today but now it is off and my I do feel better. When we were kids before my mother got sick we were not aloud to listen to secular music in our house. With her sickness all rules got tossed out except when she was in the room. Otherwise we were sent to our rooms to entertain ourselves and do whatever we wanted.

I remember being probably nine spending the whole afternoon calling the radio station requesting Billy Joel's Piano Man a over and over.  "Sorry Mom I know you are so proud"  About guy in a bar playing the piano and the drinkers sitting around him.  Not exactly Jesus music.  If she was here she would say those people definitely needed Jesus.

It feels better to believe we aren't in charge of this world whether you believe in Jesus or not. We are all scared because we don't know what the future looks like and we have nothing but time to sit around and think about it.

I feel particularly peaceful today because I know there isn't one thing I can do to fix this problem or even to prepare for the future. I have finally learned to be still and accept this moment and not waste it running a countless number future bad scenarios through my head. We are not alone in this because we have each other and everyone is going through the same thing.

We think we can control everything but we can't.  This is an unseen enemy and it has made us all stop and think about our lives and how they might change from what we had planned. I definitely have had experience with this and resisting the reality of the situation just makes you suffer.

I am taking this time to prepare mentally and do things around the house that will improve it's value. Making repairs painting in the event that I might not stay here long term.  If it all works out then everything is shiny and new. I am grateful every day that I am physically and mentally healthier than I have ever been. I know no matter what happens I will be okay. 

We can't let our minds run rampant with fear.  It isn't good for us or younger people to see that fear. Be can be content with the time this has given us and know that soon enough we will right back out there and we can face it together.

Summer starts right now - Making the best of this moment

I have been busy the weather here doesn't seem to know that we have a pandemic.  I can hear my next door neighbors kids jumping on there newly installed trampoline.  It is nice to hear them laughing and playing a distraction from the grown up world.  The three of them have been home schooled and are use to be all together all the time.  Something I am sure other parents and kids are having a hard time with.

My neighbor on the other side hung off her porch yesterday while I was finishing up cleaning my porch and replacing one of my steps that was rotten.  It just so happened that I found an extra step in my basement that was exactly the right size. A few years ago I have some rotten wood replaced before I had my house painted.  I think they meant to change out this step but missed it.

I like being handy it has served me well all my life. I didn't really tackle serious projects until I was divorced at thirty.  I didn't have any money and I had a house to take care of so I started learning from books how to fix things. That was before YouTube.  I found I really liked doing most of the stuff. The secret to fixing things is really patience and hopefully the right tools. Back then I never had the right tools and this made me crazy.

When I am working on a project I always think of my daddy he could fix anything and he was the most patient man on the planet. When I was little I would hand him tools while he laid under the our car. I remember he loved car manuals and would spend hours locked in the bathroom reading them.  My mother would beat on the door demanding that he come out. I think he loved the process of figuring out how things are done more than actually do them.  I am actually like that too.  Once I solve the problem I lose interest pretty quickly this is why my job is perfect for me.

Being analytical can trip you up when you are dealing with the real world and other people. People are not logical and life is pretty random and can't be explained. I have spent most of my life trying to fix the unfix-able.  First it was the other person and then it was myself.  I finally realized that this is not possible. All I could do is practice acceptance of what is and find ways everyday to be peaceful and happy. 

This seems impossible especially right now when we are dealing with being told to do nothing but stay home. Our minds are built to keep searching for a solution that doesn't exist unless you are a scientist creating a vaccine.

There is no simple answer except to just pretend that you have been given a vacation from your normal routine and anything is possible. Your mind listens to your thoughts and if you think you are suffering than your body will act accordingly.  This is bad for you physically and of course emotionally.  Saying "I hate this" just adds fuel to the fire.

If you were a kid and your mother said "summer starts right now" you would be thrilled beyond reason even if she said you couldn't go outside.  Your mind would be wild with ideas.  You wouldn't think it was punishment to abandon your routine and be free.

If you aren't sick life is good. If you have a home filled with things and people you love life is good. It is hard to just put the fear aside and move on but not impossible.  It starts with limiting the amount of news being consumed everyday.  I watch it once a day and that is all I need.  It was funny yesterday I saw a 15 minute segment that had pictures and clips from stories aired over the last few weeks. No real new news.  I do check the numbers and as testing goes up the more cases are reported.

I can't let my mind lose it'self in fear.  I have to have the discipline to stop the negative banter in my head. Just like the serenity prayer says "accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can"  I can't do anything about the pandemic but I can control the negative thoughts in my mind. 

I watch movies to distract my mind from trying to solve this unsolvable puzzle. Again your mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality so it is better to keep the selection light.
Starz has "The Holiday" which I really love a total fantasy for sure but fun.  Giving my mind a break even for only a couple of hours is healthy right now.

We can't control the future so we have to work with what is right in front of us and make the best of it. Fear paralyzes us in to thinking "it will always be this way" but it won't.  Life will go on and we will adapt to whatever comes our way.

Be safe and know that you have control over your own thoughts and most of us have everything we need in this moment.

Pain in resistance - Fear - I am okay

They have decided we can work at home since walk in traffic has virtually ceased over the past two weeks.  I got an email from a woman I visited two Fridays ago who had just got back from London. She wanted to let me know that she was still interested in the project.  She has been busy these past few weeks visiting her daughter who just had her fourth grandchild.  At the end of the email she said she had not been sick since her trip to London. This was a relief for me.

Even though this is a un-nerving time for everyone it also is a time of reflection.  A time to figure out what is important to us and for many a time to stop running from our fears. For most we have enough and getting by with less for a month will not kill us.  In that way we are more fortunate than many places on this planet.

I keep comparing this to the hurricane warnings we face every season because it seems familiar.  We get ready for something huge headed our way and then if it doesn't happen then we are happy.  The flip side of that is that we spent weeks in fear preparing and even sometimes evacuating for nothing. The stress of this can be overwhelming but at least there is a timeline for when the storm will pass.

For me I just make a reasonable plan and then let the fear go.  The fear is biological triggered by the idea that there is an unknown predator somewhere out there. We can feel the fear of the rest of our herd and so we think we should do more than we are doing. Our mind is searching for a solution that only time will give us.

This also reminds me of when I was fighting my depression and grief. I wanted that time in my life to be over but there is nothing I could do to magically make time pass so I could be on the other side of an feel good again. I wanted to know that I would be alright again at some point but I couldn't get there  without time.  My mind just could't accept that I had no control over where I was at that moment.

When I finally surrendered to the situation and decided okay this is where I am things quickly changed. It was the resistance that hurt me and kept me from just getting with what needed to be done that day. This took getting to rock bottom and really hating myself before I had had enough.

With our situation now we can decide to embrace this and know that we will come out on the other side at some point.  We can feel grateful that we have be given an opportunity to help other people by sitting home instead of running around in a panic. Our mind says "do something" and it seems counter intuitive to just be at home with ourselves.

The next two weeks will be the worst of it as more people are tested the number of infections will go up. It isn't that they are rising it is just we will know about it. We have to limit our viewing of the news and occupy our minds with something productive or even something fun. We can't make time pass or see what the future holds we have to trust that we will make it through to the other side.

Fear - Controlling our mind and finding peace

I wrote an earlier post today mostly for myself but tonight I thought I needed to write about fear.  Life in the last few days has been pretty dramatic for all of us.  I know that when they cancel big sports events that most sports fans must believe that the world is coming to an end.  Have they every really done before? March madness might end up being July madness if we are lucky.

Our ability to adapt is key to remaining calm and realizing that we are okay at this moment.  I thought about whether to go and stock up on food today but the idea of seeing the madness at the store felt too stressful.  I have been fasting or eating mostly salads for a couple years now so I not sure what I would actually buy.  I do have an ample supply of nuts so I will survive. 

We cannot know the future so we have to just focus again on the idea that we are okay at this moment. Since social distancing is my specialty that isn't too fearful.  What is fearful is entertaining myself if we do end up on lock down for weeks.

I am not saying I am not scared because I am.  I spent most of yesterday thinking about how this is going to effect the economy.  I was having flashbacks of recession and my depression and how stuck I felt for years.  How I had no money to even go to the doctor or run my heat or air. I lived on nothing and felt stuck and terrified for long time. All these thoughts made me think "I can't go through that again".

When I woke up this morning I had to tell myself that this is not the same situation and I am not the person I was back then.  The fear I felt was the past and doesn't have anything to do with today. I am a whole person this time and not dealing with grief and menopause.  I have worked hard to become a different person and I will face whatever is coming with as much courage as possible.

This since of dread feels familiar to me. Where I live we prepare for hurricanes pretty regularly and for weeks we feel possible destruction coming our way.  The news talks about it 24 hours and you try to go through your day without thinking we could really be wiped out this time next week. It is stress in advance of disaster. It just hangs over you and you just try to stay busy.

I decided today I am going to make a list of the projects that I have been wanting to do around the house.  Just in case we end up in a quarantine situation. I going to pretend that I have been given some extra time off for spring break. Right now my company hasn't even acknowledged that we might have a problem so I am on the sales floor Monday morning.

I have faith that we will adjust and though we might have to face hard times we can make it. What choice do have?  We do have a choice not to suffer now by letting our mind create all kinds of future disasters.  We can stop the movie in our mind now and establish a strong center to face whatever comes our way.

Embrace Uncertainty - Controlling the Uncontrollable - Clean Slate

I created a chalk board out an old frame I found at a junk shop it is really big.  I wanted a place I could write quotes to remind me to be happy and to keep moving. It was nice to see the big blank space and it reminded me of a meditation I use to listen to that the speaker would say put your problems on the blackboard and use a sponge to wipe them away.  I really liked that visual and the clean slate it left behind even if it was only for a few minutes.

I have left the new blackboard empty for a few days not wanting to disturb the clean slate but yesterday I decided to write something.  "Embrace Uncertainty" - I think this is from Eckhart Tolle's book the New Earth.  I remember when I was in such turmoil about my whole life whether to leave my business and worried about what was going to happen to me.  I felt paralyzed by fear all the time.

When I found that phrase it summed up everything for me.  I wanted things to be certain.  I wanted to know exactly what the future looked like and that I would be safe.  We don't get this ever.  We may have times when we imagine that things will always be exactly as they are but life doesn't work that way. 

I built my life around trying to make everything the same every day so I would be less fearful.  All that did was make me and my life boring and predictable. I felt like I was in a prison.  I thought that a routine would give me peace so when the storms came I would be ready. But what I ended up doing was making me less flexible and always bracing myself every day for the impending storm.

Life throws all kinds of things at you all the time good and bad.  If we can just go with the flow and not focus on wanting to control the uncontrollable then we can move through most anything. It might not have been what we planned but we can find peace in the day we have been given.

This is the time of year for reflection and to look at what is or isn't working for us.  It is hard to give up things or situations that no longer represent who we are today.  It can feel awkward and unsettling at first becoming a new you and this is why resolutions mostly don't work.  We like the familiar and fighting this need for certainty keeps us stuck in places we don't want to be for too long.

Embrace the awkwardness being in that middle place where you haven't quite let go of the old and haven't quite become the new you. It won't feel strange forever and you know it is worth it in the end.

Bear at the back door - Towers

It seems I always start my post with a review of the week.  This post will be no different and I have to say this has been a particularly hard week with too much on my plate especially compared to how slow it was in July.  Most days 10 hours or more which leaves very little in the gas tank by Sunday.

That is all I have to say about that.  A line from Forrest Gump which I saw for about a minute yesterday that movie sometimes gets on my nerves.  I slept late hung over from my six day week thinking I would do my usual Sunday ritual and work in my yard but after putting on bug spray and walking around the yard here I am writing this post.

I did talk to my sister for a few minutes this morning using face time while I drank my coffee.  She had accidentally called me while carrying her tablet around the house.  We cut it short because she had to get ready for church.  We have started using face time to show each other our flowers and projects around the house.  I am not too keen to have her see my waking up and drinking coffee face.  My southern roots go deep and no one see you until you put your face on.  Anyway it was a nice short conversation her telling me a bear came to her back door this week. 

She lives in the mountains and apparently this is pretty common.  Their property is steep and no one lives above them and bears periodically stroll through the back yard.  In my world the only bears are the two legged kind. She said she would just make sure and lock the door when she lets the dog in and out from now on.  Good idea.

In my recovery from the week I watched Moonstruck last night.  Watching things over and over help still my mind.  I really don't need to be engaged in something new and I have found knowing what will happen next puts me into a more meditative state before going to sleep.

In the movie they show a beautiful picture of a harvest moon next to the twin towers.  It always makes me sad to see that part of the movie.  I think about how much has changed about our world since then.  In the movie there is a scene at the airport where he is picking up his bags before our current security.  They use to just make sure you had your bag. 

The other movie I watch regularly is Family Man.  I really like Nicolas Cage and he is in both Moonstruck and Family Man.  Ironically Family Man was filmed just before the towers went down.  He drives to the city in the snow on Christmas day and their they are a really beautiful shot.  It was common up until then to show a picture of the towers in movies so the watcher knows what city the character lives. Now the show the Chrysler Building.

We are coming up on the anniversary an we have as a country for the most part moved on.  What choice do we have?  Our time here is short and every day we need to take care of what is right in front of us.  Our family and friends even strangers that we meet each day showing kindness and tolerance along the way.  Spending our time doing things that bring us joy and peace. 

With our electronic connections to the world today it can seem overwhelming.  We might feel like there is no point in doing anything.  Bad things have gone since man was in charge it is no wonder the planet is trying to get rid of us. The difference now is that we know more of the details and it makes it real and our fear is it could happen to us.  We have to find our peace within our own lives.

Even though this may seem life a sad post it isn't really.  Life is good and I feel encouraged that we as humans can overcome most anything thrown at us.  We get into trouble when we spend our free time preparing for some disaster that will probably never come.  Life is randon and short we can't afford to waste the time we have.  That is all I have to say about that.

Peace - Hope - God

I am feeling a lot of peace right now.  I am trying not to over think it or dread future problems that aren't any of my business right now.  Where I work I have over heard some rumblings of "what if we lose?"  It always feels like us against them I have family and friends on both sides and I know they both have good intentions.

Last Sunday I watched couple of TV preachers and they both had underlying messages in the opposite direction.  You would have to read hard between the lines to get the gist of what they were saying.  In one "Jesus protected the meek" the other "What is right isn't always the way of the world."

These aren't real quotes just my own interpretation. I am on the side of the meek really and I don't think people that are not like me or that I don't understand are something to fear.  The problem is that I have a hard time understanding those that seem like they only care about themselves.  My point being that I am not all inclusive either. I don't include those that think God is only on there side.

I get where the beliefs come from and it does seem that world is becoming a darker place. I know it is hard for us to find something to believe in and have hope. I like the message of hope.  If people are lonely or addicted and feel like they are on there own where can they go? A positive message even from a TV evangelist can spark hope in someone that feels alone.

I don't believe that we were all given the same opportunity to have the life we want.  I had parents that loved me and said to me that "Jesus loved me and would be there for me."  The fact that they told me this showed that they loved me and they wanted me to not be afraid. This was a positive foundation that I built on my whole life even though my own family abandoned me.

I can't imagined what it would be like if I didn't have that foundation. I have been through some tough times emotionally and have moved back and forth in my spiritual beliefs but you can't ever really get past your foundation. If your lucky like me and it was positive then you can build on it.  If you lived where you were a burden and the people that were suppose to love didn't act like it then you are starting with less than nothing.

In this volitile time I think only messages of love are needed.  Once people can stop hating themselves or living in fear of people they don't understand they can listen to their heart (if they have one) and will make changes. The people at work who are scared or scarred both have some people terrible childhood storys where they were taught eat or be eaten.

We are all in pain and are looking for comfort and trying to protect ourselves from change. Believing that our God is all powerful and only on our side calms our fears and helps up to have the courage to get up each morning. It is just human nature to do anything to avoid that fear we have that something bad is going to happen and pointing fingers at people that are different than ourselves. 

shooting - guarding our minds

Another shooting in the news it is disturbing that it is just becoming a normal event in the news.  I think many things can cause a society to turn to violence to solve problems.  We pretend that violence on TV or games or even by police doesn't really send the message that this is how to resolve conflict.

I also don't think you can stop someone who has no regard for their own life from taking as many people with them as they can.  I do think between the time they become angry and the time they take action a lot of thoughts pass through their brain.  Somewhere  they have gotten the idea that this is the only solution. They should get what they want at any cost.  Where does this idea come from?

I recently watched a magician follow a guy all day as he went about his normal errands.  Each stop he either played a certain song or had someone in the store whistle the same song.  At the end of the day as part of the magic act he said "think of a song but don't tell me what it is" then he had the band from the restaurant come outside and play that very song. The guy couldn't believe it.

My point is that our minds are constantly absorbing what is around us.  I think that we need to guard what we casually listen to or watch. The advertisers have known this since the beginning even going as far as subliminal text during commercials. We can't ignore what is being fed to us every minute.

Today everything is instant gratification.  We don't want to wait 3 seconds for something to come up on our phone.  This is setting us up for major life conflicts.  When things don't go our way we can't deal with disappointment.  Combine this with the testosterone and ego and it won't end well.

I didn't know about the shooting until my cousin called me to let me know.  I select what I watch for my own peace of mind. For me knowing bad things are happening doesn't change anything.  It just plants a seed that life is not safe.  The truth is life is not safe but living in fear doesn't make it any safer it just ruins every minute living in fear. 

Should I stay or should I go

When you live long enough you have some perspective on life that is if you are paying attention.  First you know that everything changes from jobs to friends to partners. The choices are to grow together or move on. I have a tendency to stay too long no matter what.

I use to think staying was the right thing to do.  If you make a commitment then you stay until the bitter end and boy was that end always bitter. I also thought I was good person and good people do the right thing and be compassionate and understanding until again the bitter end. All of these decision were about me and how I viewed myself and how if I left I was inconsiderate and worse a quitter. I would be lumped into the same category as the ones who gave up in search of greener pastures.

If I stay I can be the martyr and be safe.  I can let time and the other person or company dictate my future.  I can be the victim of what life lays before me instead brave and taking a chance that there is something better out there for me. Someone or some job that better suites me. What if I am wrong and I leave the comfort and suffering of my current situation to jump into another worse situation.

This is the dilemma of change for every moment of everyday. This is how the mind keep us stuck where we are until someone or something from the outside forces us to make move. For me I found out I was the only one in my monogamous relationships that was being monogamous.

I am not sure where this is coming from today or why I am compelled to share it with you but there it is. I always wanted peace and to me peace meant trying to keep things the same or worse try to make things the way they use to be. A dreamier time a memory of something that no longer exist and truthfully wasn't that good when it was happening.

I have never made the break on my own except when I left home at 16 and when I left my own business to work for someone else. Both times I picked me and my happiness over what I thought was best for everyone. I will say both of those choices were the best choices I made in my life.

Inspired by a chair - stay cation

I was inspired to take the week off.  The timing was as good as it might ever be even if I ended up working an extra day on Sunday to accomplish my escape.

It is a stay cation that is what we call it at work. It seems boring for those that look for the excitement of packing your bags and running around some new place. Eating exotic food and being exhausted for a week and then going back to work to recover.  I have done that many times in my life and that isn't what I need right now.

I live in a beautiful place where the weather is nice most of the time so why not stay home.

This week I wanted to just get up and see what the day might bring.  On Sunday before heading to work I painted the back door.  This was completely spontaneous I was just sitting out there drinking my cup of tea when I thought "I can do that".  I had the paint from the front door and an hour later it was done.

Monday I cleaned the porch I had to the door looked so good it made everything look so bad. After that I went through some boxes from the basement and found a bag of parts that came from my grandmothers house I felt inspired to do a pen and marker drawing of the collection.

Yesterday I had an appointment to get blood work done.  Just a routine test but apparently it had to be done before 9am which I wasn't prepared to do on my week off so I had to reschedule.  After that I met my friend from work and we went to a a hard to get into restaurant by 11am the line was out the door. The food was great and we split dessert.

We then went to a consignment shop where I found a really cool industrial adjustable office chair which I am sitting in right now.  It was marked down so cheap I couldn't resist.  I can always get a deal on modern items because nobody in this town is interested in this style.

I feel inspired just looking at it.  I know if sounds crazy but I love anything that you can tell someone really spent time thinking about the function as well as the design of a piece.  Everything you touch every day was designed by someone or it is naturally created. We would have nothing without designers.  We would be still sitting on the ground or sitting on stumps ( someone even had to think that up).

I think the week so far has been successful in helping me to be inspired. I have had a few moments of fear where my mind started up about being alone with no one to spend my vacation with but those moments passed and I found something else to do.

I think it is healthy to just create a space to let things bubble up even if your thoughts are full of doubt and fear. I know I need more than just weekend to face those thoughts and get past them to a healthier perspective.  If I can trust this process and not run off looking for the next distraction I can find the person I always been beneath the fear.  Before life forced me to become a survivor just getting by.

I have been a designer from the moment I discovered that I could change the way I felt by changing my space I was off and running. I am lucky that I had the courage and felt safe enough to abandon my previous career to work in a profession where I have always belonged.

I am glad I took the week of and I think it has helped me to see that I have gotten a lot of things right in my life. Even if I feel alone and sometimes lonely for the most part things are good even if I can't always see that.

Today's happiness inspired by a chair.



 

Fear - Gut reaction - I could get a dog

It seems that with my own life I have had and underlying fear that I somehow the way I am is not good enough. Evidenced by the number of people that have left me or dismissed what I thought were significant contributions in my work life.  Even though intellectually I feel I have over come this fear sometimes my gut reaction to a situation shows me something different.

This week at work they hired someone new and put her in my office (our office). At first I took this very personally even though I have the only extra desk in my office in the whole company.  This wasn't a shock because the owner called me into his office last week to give me the news.  I was told weeks ago by my manager that this would not happen.

On Tuesday there was a big flurry of activity on that side of the office. My introverted senses felt overwhelmed and I wanted to flee.  I did leave for an appointment and it took me an hour to calm my nerves.  She has made it quite clear that she is loud and proud and wanted to know if she could bring a radio into the office. Also she said I should get some head phones. I was dumb struck at first but then said absolutely not to the radio.

I immediately felt that they were trying to run me. In the words of the owner "she is our new great white hope" as all new hires are.  I told him so was Stephanie the last person that shared my office. He said he didn't even remember her.  I said "you loved her and even trained her personally and now you don't even remember her".  I could see the fact that he didn't remember her was disturbing to him.

I know I probably shouldn't have said all that but I knew this was my only chance to say my peace. Sometimes I am so over being afraid.  He said he would consider some of the suggestions I made about space but I knew it was lip service. He had made up his mind without informing my manager I was lucky he even bothered to tell me.

There is a misconception about me. People think because I am an introvert content to listen instead of talk that this means I am passive. This is far from the truth and I have been know to say things when no one else will. I no longer feel the need to fight other peoples battles but I can stand up for myself when I need to and don't feel any human is superior to another.

I was near tears on Tuesday but mainly because I believed this action was take to push me out.  This is the past fears rising up to try to relive the groove in my brain that says "I am not enough".

I do prefer to go to the office to work because there is a clear separation between work hours and home hours. I have been rethinking this since Tuesday and worked at home on Friday.  I do have a lovely unused office at home and a docking station and computer screen provided by the company.

The new person is on the other team which means that she should be on opposite days from me. I am getting use to the idea of being more independent.  No one cares whether you come to the office or not as long as you are closing deals. I just like being in a building with people even if I don't actually want to interact with them. I am already alone a lot at home so more of that isn't that appealing.

(side note) I could get a dog.

I am going to not take it personally and remember everything isn't about me. Besides the last person was only there two weeks. My team members have said I am the only person that has ever stayed. I couldn't decide it that is a good or bad thing. It is a tough place to work because there is no support but with sales that just goes with the territory.

You have to be independent and fearless to survive. I try to work my job as consciously as possible and I like being able to decide how I want to run my work load.  Looking not just at the bottom line but whether spiritually the customer or project is the right fit for me.

Today things are changing and I am accepting those changes as gracefully as possible.  Tomorrow I am back in the office and we shall see how I feel about it. Wish me luck.  

Snowman Pens and getting on with life

Here we are with the holiday right upon us it never feels quite real to me. I think because the weather doesn't change too much here and because I lost my sentiment for all of it when I found away to be happy most of the time instead of picking just a few days out the year and squeezing all the happiness out of them that I could.

My co-worker bought us all snowman pens and then went around chastising those of us not using them. I use to be like that. Today she described reindeer cupcakes for next week. The rest of the time she is very unhappy and sees life as out to get her and life fulfills her request daily.

I have settled into my new job quite nicely and business is booming. The fear I had of never getting my mojo back has disappeared. With my confidence back I am selling at top speed. I really love what I do and I actually love my customers most of time.

I will admit as an introverted salesperson I do have to space out my appointments or take a nap between them. I learned that I feel the energy of the people around me that's what makes me good at what I do but it also makes me want to make them happy no matter what the cost.

This is a habit from living in a home of dysfunction. When I am at my best I step back and stay out of their drama and there is a lot of drama in design. The choices the money the mess it brings out the worst and best qualities. Everyone is happy to start with and then the thrill wears off and in the end  they feel like they are the only ones experiencing problems with their project.

When it is over usually a few weeks after completion they couldn't be happier. The have the kitchen of their dreams and we have moved on. New customers new dream kitchens.

Where I work now there is a steady flow of new customers which I like. Repeat customers are good but sometimes you know too much about them and what you are up against. I guess I deal better with the unknown than the known these days.

It is good to be out of survival mode. I am have been surprised by the energy I have without the fear dragging me down. Happy to be free and just getting things done.

A little story to tell - Life without emotions

I told my story this week the one about depression.  It came up during an appointment with a customer.  I am sure most people would say to keep it professional.  This isn't where I am in my life anymore. I kept it light and I have been so happy lately it is clear to anyone that interacts with me that I have recovered.

I don't tell my life story for sympathy like I use to and I don't tell it to get it out of my system like I use to either. In those days I was lost in my story and telling it was part of my own healing. Today I think I tell it more as a witness in a matter of fact way.  It puts my humanness on the table.  I think we all have secrets and and it helps other people to see that we are all in this together.

We fear that if the truth comes out it will be extreme and we will end up on some TV talk show or like that commercial where this ordinary guy with a normal life makes one wrong decision about his cable TV provider and ends up ruining his life.  That is our fear that we will end up locked up or living on the streets if we don't do everything right and keep our emotions in check.

The subject of depression came up when my customer said that they were fostering dogs for military personnel suffering from PTSD.  They were telling me how the dogs bring them back emotionally from being shut down with depression and without the will to live. The dogs keep other people at bay while the person is out in public and eases some of them back into a more normal life.

I shared about losing my own emotions and my own will to live. I told then that it wasn't that you want to die it is that you just don't want to live without feelings. There is a difference in being sad and hurting and when you can't bear the loss you have experienced and having absolutely no feelings at all. I didn't know this place existed I will take sadness over nothing any day.

I thought I would never feel anything again and I didn't think I could spend the rest of my life in that condition.  I probably should have taken something but coming from a family that scoffed at drugs I just did nothing and waited. I don't suggest this route for anyone else it was hard on me and hard on anyone that crossed my path for those years.

I have summed up my experience in this way too many things were happening at the same time and my mind and emotions could not adjust quickly enough and decided to take a break. I couldn't handle my reality and checked out for as long as it took.

I can't imagine what terrible things our troops have had to endured.  Obviously to the point of having their mind go into its own protection mode. It is good that that some are getting this pet therapy.

Sharing my story can only help people to know that depression can happen to anyone and that there is life after depression. I believe I came back from it because I was forced to see the fear at the core of it. The fear that without what I had lost I was nothing.

When I faced this story I was telling myself and got comfortable with the idea that I was nothing I was able to move forward.  I could see where my worth was based on my own idea of who I was and this was just another story I was telling myself. The things I lost were not me they were my idea of me.

I am happy today and that is enough.  Today I am a  blank slate without all the stories I use to have weighing me down. I feel my life is about just being and interacting with whoever might cross my path today. It is about not taking myself too seriously and getting on with my life.

Flying by the seat of my pants - Something new

fineartamerica.com

My new work life has started  with my old life not even close to being wrapped up. I feel I am straddling two boats that are quickly drifting apart. It feels weird to be doing something different going someplace different and having new co-workers.

I took a leap and went to work for another company. It is weird actually having people other than customers to work with each day.  I have been isolated a lot over the past few years especially this year.

I have a new office and a new computer to go along with the new co-workers.  Yesterday I panicked a little with all the information coming at me. My mind has been coasting for awhile now and is now realizing that the vacation is over. I don't mind I am ready.

I have done just about all the soul searching and spiritual work someone can do with all the alone time. It has been one big 4th step digging for anything buried that might be holding me back. My bags are pretty light and for that I am grateful.

I need to prove to myself that I have still got it.  Luckily out of the six people I am working with I am actually the youngest so at least I can't use the old card as an excuse. I was scared yesterday and wanted to run away. I always think somehow other people are quicker than me. It may be true sometimes but I can hold my own. I eventually work things out for myself and usually develop a system that make things easier for me.

There is drama there with all those personalities. One person has a kind of negative view and tells me just how hard it is to get things done and how unfair things are there. I have found that too much time with them and I feel discouraged like I am climbing a big mountain.

Luckily we are pretty independent so besides my training we won't be hanging out much.  I forgot about office politics I am the kind of person that ignores that kind of stuff unless it affects me personally. I was never good at playing the game.

I am working my first showroom duty today with two other people. I know nothing about the product so I will be flying by the seat of my pants. Wish me luck.

Forks in the Road - Only time will tell

I have been in a tizzy for a day.  I feel my paths are split and my mind is wanting me to make a decision already and get on with it.  I am resisting but yesterday I lunged towards one decision that I have been toying with for some time now.

The result was not at all what I expected. The result was nothing. Not a word, not a peep nothing to confirm or deny whether it is or is not the right decision.

I find that my logical mind wants to just move along and not wait for God's timing. God takes too long in my opinion. I also know that isn't true when I look back at any part of my life I can see just how perfect the timing was no matter how awful it felt when nothing was going my way.

My indecision is fueled by things just not being ready. I am not ready or the circumstances are not right. I think now it is because my right brain is getting stronger and keeping my left from bulldozing me into just doing something.  All signs point to wait.

If I can take this moment or even this day for just what it is then I have everything I need. If I think of next week or next month or next year then I am impatient and just want to make things happen.

I was broken for a long time and now I am better. My thinking is clearer but I still doubt my abilities and this makes me want to run away.  I got no place to go so running isn't really option.

I can see today what is happening I have to start facing my fears and prove to myself that I have still got it. The time it is taking for me to make decisions is healing time. Part of me thinks that I have been permanently damaged and I will never be the same. The other part knows that this has actually made me stronger than ever.  Not the same but a better version of myself.

It is true that I don't really know who I am exactly, but I have to be okay with that.  I know that I am not the person I was so everything feels like new territory. Each fear I face is one step closer to discovering who I am now.

Drawing - Dealing with worry

I woke up worried this morning. Usually this goes along with the thought of "what is going to happen to me?" to start the ball rolling. I turned on my favorite (only) TV evangelist for some inspiration. This is what I do when I don't really want to face the day. Three segments later I decided to get up and get dressed for work.

I was pleased to find no one here this morning. This gives me time to resolve the issues in my head and get my day started. I know the fear I have is because my life isn't full enough right now. Not enough work or fun to fill my days. Too much space in my head.

Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend and spent a few hours drawing and eventually headed over to another friend's house for dinner and a movie.  I had an inspired moment early in the week that I could go to a friends condo and watch the fireworks from the balcony. The traffic and the lack of parking dampened my enthusiasm for that idea yesterday so no fireworks.

I am enjoying the part of my life that involves drawing. My ultimate goal is to paint portraits in acrylics. I have been watching this guy on YouTube who uses acrylics like watercolors the same way I do. He shows step by step how to get started.

He mentioned the book Drawing on the Right Side of Brain and how much he loved it. It is an old book from the 90's that makes drawing available for everyone. It proves that it isn't as much about talent as it is about the practice of seeing. The premise is that people are mostly left brain dominant to start with and that society focuses on developing the left and right gets left behind with second grade stick drawings.

I keep running across this idea of left and right brain and it has really helped me to understand why I am always in conflict with myself.  There is actually a power struggle going on up there. The left controls language, numbers and thinks in linear terms. The right abstract and thinks in pictures. The book mentions dreaming as the right brain trying to communicate ideas to left. This explains a lot.

When I want to just trust that things are just as they are suppose to be and I feel peaceful my right brain pipes up with a list of things I should be worried about. I hear "you are crazy not to be worried about this, you better get your butt in gear or disaster will strike." This is how I felt this morning.

I really think I am middle brain with a little more emphasis on the right these days. Sometimes it feels like I am suspended over the space between the two halves. It is really uncomfortable and I am afraid to make any decisions. In the past my left brain had a plan and we were sticking to it like it or not. I can't do that anymore.

I am still moving forward and trying not to take any of my thoughts too seriously. I am getting things done despite my moments of fear. I know deep in my heart that "all is well" and everything will work out. Maybe.