Step 1 - Denial to Acceptance - Life goes on

I have been back to a more normal schedule this week with customer appointments and spending more time in the office than at home.  Just when I was starting to get use the working at home and getting things done around the house.  I am grateful to have some business right now.  Life does go on no matter what.

I visited our grocery store midday yesterday thinking that it would be less crowded.  I only go once every few weeks when I am running low on salad.  It was pretty peaceful there and not too crowded. One of my customers said he had gone to the store one morning and check out took 90 minutes.  I thought I would have to be really desperate to wait 90 minutes. 

He told me that both he and his wife are psychologist working for a hospital supporting patients facing medical crisis.  The hospital is taking steps now to reduce the staff since the hospital is mostly empty. I don't think people realize just how this will touch everybody.  I left there feeling a little disheartened.

After going to the grocery store and having a pretty calm experience I felt a little better.  They had one way arrows on the isles and a tape box to stand a the register with lines on how far apart to stand.  I ask an employee where the sauerkraut was and he took me the wrong way and a man glared at me pointing to the arrow.  I explained that I was following the employee.

Some people had mask and gloves and other people did not. While waiting for a woman in produce with no gloves  I watched while she picked up and put back a half dozen plastic boxes of already diced vegetable. I thought about why some people conform and some don't.  Maybe she doesn't have access to gloves or a mask right now.  Maybe she thinks this isn't real.  This is what one of my co-workers to me yesterday. I said "I am sure those people that have died would disagree with you".

I am sure those taunting "fake news" will continue to do so especially since the death toll will not be as bad as originally thought because the country has been shut down. Let's face it in the world of economics money always trumps people.  We have always had to force corporations to protect their employees and this always cost them money. Is it good business or greed it is hard to say. Remember history when during the industrial revolution children worked in the factories and in some countries they still do. People were just trying to survive and this is how they did it back then. Kid were a commodity to work on farms or to work in factories.

This happens because people need to feed their families and if that means going to work sick then that is what you do especially if there is an abundance of workers and a shortage of jobs.  The people in the Smithfield pork factory went to work sick because they don't want to be seen as less interested in working than the person next to them. Work while you can because the future is uncertain at this point.

I am still optimistic at this point even if it doesn't sound like it.  The other thing I read that if anyone took one of the government bridge loans they have to put people back to work by I think June 1 to get those funds.  Also we are adaptable even if we are forced into it. We are creative in this country and will figure out how to move on in every part of life.

The more adaptable you are the less this will feel like a punishment. We don't know what the future holds but if it makes people feel better I am going to wear a mask and gloves when I am in the public. Pretending that this isn't happening doesn't stop the virus and it feeds denial.

I know the power of denial when I lived with alcoholism I just couldn't bring myself to believe it.  Even after he was gone I still stayed in denial about my own behavior. How my own coping mechanisms had kept me from seeing the truth about my life.

We bury our heads in the sand because the reality of the situation is more than we can handle at that moment. It was a gradual process for me back then and it saved me from feeling the full brunt of what was happening to me all at one time. I eventually through the 12 steps was able to see the truth little by little.  Everyone has their on speed for this and can really dig in when they are not ready to accept the new reality. It all starts with that first step. 

12 steps - Sickness - Resentments

How does the program work?  I am questioning this today because I am feeling powerless over my friend and his very slow recovery. I feel guilty because I can't swoop in and save him and even more guilty that I really don't want to be his savior or any ones savior anymore.

The program is about deciding first that you have a problem and your powerless over it - then believing that some where out there or in here is a power greater than ourselves can fix this and turning it over to that power - Here is the tricky part deciding what is our part in the situation - then admitting it to ourselves and then someone else - then rolling around in it for awhile just getting use to the idea that we have a problem and we really do want to do something about it - after we are willing to give up get past the resistance and denial finally asking for the problem to be taken from us - deciding who we have hurt in the process and then going to  them and asking for forgiveness - being mature and staying current with our daily wrongs being honest with ourselves and others when we slip up - asking for guidance everyday and actually listening for an answer - living life being the best we can be and hoping that by doing so will inspire others to do the same.

How is that for my version of the 12 steps?  I feel powerless for sure in this situation and I know the program tells us that the ones closest to us are the least likely to help us when we are lost. This is why our best friend can say something a million times and we never hear it and then a stranger comes along and says the same thing and we think they are brilliant. We reject the truth from the people that love us because we don't want them to be right.

Being sick is hard and brings out the worst in us and we want to be rescued.  We want some adult to come along and feed us and tuck us in and give us permission to watch cartoons all day. Make our favorite foods and be the center of attention for as long as possible. This works when we have a cold and we are ten and we recover quickly and go back to school in a few days.

It isn't the same when we are adults first we don't have our moms with us and our friends have lives of there own. If we don't have a significant other and even if we do we have to find a way to love and take care of ourselves the way we would take care of our own child. It is a test of sorts " do I love myself enough to do what it takes to get better?" 

I understand this because just like my friend I was alone without children and my extended family was indifferent to me when I got sick.  I was the doer in my peer group and I thought in a crisis they would be there for me but my sickness went on too long and my neediness made everyone run from me just like I am running from my friend. He was the first to jump ship at that time and this is one of the reasons I don't feel obligated to become his full time caretaker. I know this is petty and I am wrestling with my feelings and resisting being the adult at this time..

We are alone in this world no one up there in our heads but us even though sometimes there is a whole committee just making things more complicated. We have to use what we have learned to dig deep to find the courage to love ourselves through it all even if we don't feel like the people around us love or care for us. We are certainly worthy of our own love and God's love our existence proves this.

My own recovery took a long time because I based my worth on what other people thought about me. The love of my life (I thought at the time) had rejected me, the recession made me a failure at work and my friends abandoned me when I stopped being the person they wanted me to be. Based on these facts I was unlovable and unworthy of being alive. In my mind I added no value being here.

I found grace and over time I started to love myself enough to take care of myself. The grace came in the form of clarity.  Seeing that my own thoughts made me hate myself thinking that I was not lovable and I had the evidence to prove it. No one was there.  The truth I was there just like I had been since the beginning.  The higher me waiting for the little me to give up and let go and start again.

My friends lack of interest in his own recovery is a sign that there is a deeper problem. It is also a physical problem caused by his brain starving for nutrition. I doesn't want eat enough to put on weight and has a very limited number of foods he is even willing to try. Reluctantly I am the adult in the room at this time. Maybe.

Life - On your own

I have off line for awhile and today is the first day I am collecting my thoughts and feelings to write.  Many things have beeb happening here My friend went to the emergency with bowel pains and almost three weeks later finally emerged from the hospital disease free but 25 pounds lighter.

He doesn't have any family here so I stepped in until the immediate crisis was over about two weeks. I was happy to do it until I started getting the impression that there wasn't an interest in participating in doing what was required to get out. A retreat on his part and this made me feel alone and helpless.

I decided that because I was the sole support that he didn't feel like had to really engage in what was happening.  I felt I needed help and called his brother to come.  Luckily he is a contractor and slow right now and he was able to come quickly. I called for back up with friends locally which I thought was healthy for me since I usually handle things on my own.

All of this has put a distance between us redefining our relationship. We have be friends for over 25 years now.  It is a comfortable relationship but not intimate emotionally for the most part.  We are similar in our spiritual beliefs and our time together is spent eating and talking about our daily lives. 

I accepted a long time ago that this is the way we would be it is similar to many other relationships I have had. Starting with my Dad and my two long term ex's.  Like our relationship indifferent to the fact that I have emotions and feelings.  That just because I am extremely capable doesn't mean that I don't have needs or wouldn't like be thanked or feel appreciated every once in awhile.  It is rarely that anyone ask me how I am doing and it seems I attract the kinds of relationship that don't acknowledge me.

I can admit that I don't exude neediness in anyway and I have learned to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions. My mother died when I was young and I learned that you are on your own so you just better get use to it. I don't attached too easily and since my last relationship I haven't gotten attached at all even to an animal.

I have taken care of a lot people in my life. In my personal life and even in my jobs mostly in the background making everything runs smoothly. Making sure everyone was getting there needs met. I was exhausted all the time for really decades.  I am not that person anymore. I won't let bad things happen but I also won't give my life away to manage someone else.

With my friend we had a conversation in the hospital that sounded like dependency. Like we were going to do this together.  I knew at that moment that I wasn't willing to be the sole support. This is when I felt I needed to call for help and back away. With in days of having other people evolved his spirits were better and he started to actually wanted to get out of the hospital.

His brother left this week and emotionally and physically he is on his own. I made some food and will see him today. Other friends locally have be visiting so he is not alone.

The truth is no one can go through these things with you. When I was sad only a few people were even willing to spend time with me. Healing takes time and people ultimately go back to their own lives. It is the nature of any crisis.  We are left alone to accept what has happened.

He will be healthy again if he keeps eating.  He does not have a disease and the only therapy he needs is eating which most people would be happy to do. I know he has had a shock and it will time for him to come back if that is what he wants.  I love him and will not let him go hungry but I cannot make him want to get better.