Life - On your own

I have off line for awhile and today is the first day I am collecting my thoughts and feelings to write.  Many things have beeb happening here My friend went to the emergency with bowel pains and almost three weeks later finally emerged from the hospital disease free but 25 pounds lighter.

He doesn't have any family here so I stepped in until the immediate crisis was over about two weeks. I was happy to do it until I started getting the impression that there wasn't an interest in participating in doing what was required to get out. A retreat on his part and this made me feel alone and helpless.

I decided that because I was the sole support that he didn't feel like had to really engage in what was happening.  I felt I needed help and called his brother to come.  Luckily he is a contractor and slow right now and he was able to come quickly. I called for back up with friends locally which I thought was healthy for me since I usually handle things on my own.

All of this has put a distance between us redefining our relationship. We have be friends for over 25 years now.  It is a comfortable relationship but not intimate emotionally for the most part.  We are similar in our spiritual beliefs and our time together is spent eating and talking about our daily lives. 

I accepted a long time ago that this is the way we would be it is similar to many other relationships I have had. Starting with my Dad and my two long term ex's.  Like our relationship indifferent to the fact that I have emotions and feelings.  That just because I am extremely capable doesn't mean that I don't have needs or wouldn't like be thanked or feel appreciated every once in awhile.  It is rarely that anyone ask me how I am doing and it seems I attract the kinds of relationship that don't acknowledge me.

I can admit that I don't exude neediness in anyway and I have learned to be fully self supporting declining outside contributions. My mother died when I was young and I learned that you are on your own so you just better get use to it. I don't attached too easily and since my last relationship I haven't gotten attached at all even to an animal.

I have taken care of a lot people in my life. In my personal life and even in my jobs mostly in the background making everything runs smoothly. Making sure everyone was getting there needs met. I was exhausted all the time for really decades.  I am not that person anymore. I won't let bad things happen but I also won't give my life away to manage someone else.

With my friend we had a conversation in the hospital that sounded like dependency. Like we were going to do this together.  I knew at that moment that I wasn't willing to be the sole support. This is when I felt I needed to call for help and back away. With in days of having other people evolved his spirits were better and he started to actually wanted to get out of the hospital.

His brother left this week and emotionally and physically he is on his own. I made some food and will see him today. Other friends locally have be visiting so he is not alone.

The truth is no one can go through these things with you. When I was sad only a few people were even willing to spend time with me. Healing takes time and people ultimately go back to their own lives. It is the nature of any crisis.  We are left alone to accept what has happened.

He will be healthy again if he keeps eating.  He does not have a disease and the only therapy he needs is eating which most people would be happy to do. I know he has had a shock and it will time for him to come back if that is what he wants.  I love him and will not let him go hungry but I cannot make him want to get better.

It is the small stuff - Thinking bigger

Sometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.

Naturally it has to do with design.  I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table.  I don't really need them but they were a deal.  The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work. 

When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning. 

The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?"  This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have. 

I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support.  A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.

I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be.  This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations. 

I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone.  I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.

This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about.  It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.

I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years.  I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.

I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger. 

Friendship - My canoe

The more I learn or the more I unlearn the more I realize how wrong I have been about everything.  I have spent my whole life trying to nail things down.  I wanted things to be the same all the time I wanted to know where I was going and what time I was suppose to be there and who would be there with me.

I thought this was the right way to think.  We value things that last so we work hard to make them last.  We value the numbers.  The longer the relationship or the job or where we live the more proud we are of it. Even if a lot of those years have been painful and limiting and our zest for them left long ago.

In my life this idea of longevity was the target and brought on by the sudden and immediate loss of security I felt as a child. I was left to fend for myself  emotionally and it was terrifying so as soon as I could I tried to lock things and people down in my life.  People that seemed fiercely loyal and at work I did more than anyone else to insure a permanent place there.

I was surprised when the relationships and jobs ended in every case abruptly. Because I am as stubborn as a human can be I kept trying with the same results.  I didn't want to believe that security did not really exist and that nothing was really meant to last forever.

I remember my first counselor 20 years ago told me that we each have our own canoe and we are paddling down the river together.  We sometimes paddle side by side with someone for a time and then one of us starts to speed up or move closer to shore and we lose them. Our time together was over.

At that time I only recognized this as it pertained to my broken marriage but now I see this is true for everything. Especially friendships some people I thought would be with me forever have disappeared. In some cases I have tried to rekindle what was once there but it feels wrong.

Today I got a call from someone that what an important part of my life for awhile. We ate together talked on the phone but now it feels forced almost like a courtesy out of respect for what we had.  It feels strange and sad for me but it doesn't make what we had less important.

I worry because my friend pool is shrinking but I know that is because I have changed.  The old me wants to do something to get them back but the new me says it is time to move on and make new friends. I have been feeling un-tethered lately and the old fears of ending up alone have come back.

Today I spent the afternoon with new art friends and it was delicious. They inspired me and they like the untethered me which was nice.  This is why I came home and decided to write. I can be happy here in my canoe today.

Chocolate Chip Cookies - My kind of night cap

I am really tired today. No big surprise because my friend and I stayed up late talking. I have discovered that I have to have alone time or I never stop talking. She is a talker too.  She taking a road trip for a few days and this will give me time to recharge.

I had a late appointment last night and she had dinner ready when I got home. How nice it was, it has only been a couple of decades since I had dinner waiting for me when I got home. That is one thing I do miss is having someone interested in when I am coming home. With my relationships I was usually the one waiting.

We talked and talked and then decided to have a night cap of chocolate chip cookies. When she visited last time she had never actually eaten homemade from scratch cookies. I saw excitement in her eyes last night when she said "do you have the ingredients to make cookies?"  Of course I do. Growing up in our house everything was from scratch mainly because it was cheaper and still is most of the time.

My mother's philosophy about food, especially sweets, was that you should be willing to do a little work before you indulged in a sweet treat.  Opening a container of store bought cookies wasn't enough effort.
We did have an occasional Oreo or the Real Vanilla Wafers.

I am grateful that my mother was always striving for balance and wasn't about extremes. Except for the time she tried to control my ADD by restricting sugar. We had carob chips instead of chocolate chips. News flash they are not the same. Nothing really helped the ADD and she didn't believe in drugs for kids so we all suffered.

They say that the early years are the formative years. A time when life long habits are established. I know that is true for me I live and eat a lot like I did as a child. I like good food that is as close to its original form as possible. It is really not that hard to do. It took about 15 minutes to make cookies from scratch and let me just say they were well worth it. Yum.