Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Today is the day

So this is it, the day I got dumped four years ago. Sometimes it seems like a million years ago and sometime like last week. I am over the bulk of the emotions but today there is something simmering just under the surface.

I was feeling quite good last night alone reading some new art books I picked up and watching my new favorite show Parenthood. The perfect couple having a fight he was talking and trying to use reason and she was in her own head not listening and talking herself.

We never fought, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. A lot can go on between the lines when there is not arguing. Relationships can die from disinterest or apathy. I really can't tell you exactly what happened. Not that I was without fought because I let sleeping dogs lie.

I did for a long time try to keep the lines of communication open but I grew tired of using my interviewing skills to get the emotional temperature of our relationship. I always got I am fine we are fine and why do you always ask me that?

I stopped asking and put the focus back on myself and let it go. I guess without my efforts to keep us tethered together the relationship failed. Just like any long term relationship we go into a routine that made us feel safe and secure. That routine ultimately turned to boredom and killed the relationship. Secure but dead.

Along comes someone that is new someone that thinks your the best thing since sliced bread. Your a star again the apple of someones eye irresistible perfect in every way. How can you resist that? So you start seeing the flaws in the person you have committed your life to and all the reasons why you shouldn't be together. You made a mistake and now your long lost love has finally showed up. This is your one chance for happiness so you got to be free and you lower the boom.

The day before Thanksgiving. You didn't plan it like that it wasn't on purpose. It slipped out, I love someone else. Maybe the alcohol was to blame but maybe it is just an excuse because you want to start living the life you have always wanted. So what if you are going to ruin the holiday for the family. You got to get the ball rolling. It is all about you after all.

So that is how it all came down. Of course I don't really know the thinking that was going on at the time and I will never know. As you can imagine I tried to get answers but I never got them. There is no talking to the dead and that is what it felt like.

We stayed in the house together for the next few days. There was no Thanksgiving dinner even though most of it I had already cooked. It all sat out until it wasn't fit to eat. I couldn't look at it or touch it. It was spoiled just like the relationship.

I went into shock that night and didn't come out of it until a few months ago. In the beginning I summoned all my courage and all my friends and to take care of the necessities. In 60 days I packed, bought a house and moved.

My heart is heavy while I write this I can feel the pain of those 60 days. Life is not fair and you can't make someone love you or even talk to you if they don't want to. I never got the answers that I needed in order to heal faster.

It was harsh it was thoughtless the way it all went down. But it is the past and I am becoming the person I was always meant to be. Every day I feel stronger and more able to face life and my dreams are coming backing. Dreams that I have always had for myself.

I have shed some tears today but that is normal. It was thirteen years of my life. I wasn't happy for a long time in that relationship but I thought it was just me. I had it all in the eyes of others. God does for us what we can't do for ourselves.

Will Thanksgiving ever be the same for me? Who knows I am thankful that it is not four years ago.


  1. I am thankful for a lot today too. I believe there is purpose and meaning in our struggles.

  2. I'm glad you are here, Grace. I have struggled with the same kind of pain and regret from a distance relationship which has stayed with me for years. I often wonder if it will ever go away. I don't know, I think someday a miracle will happen and a new relationship will come that will blow all that away. In the meantime, I'm working on a relationship with myself. I know you are too. You are on my gratitude list of people that I'm grateful to know. Thanks for hanging out with me here.

  3. I've read this post a few times. It's very moving. Very telling, too. I also know of these things... My wish for all of us who know of such things is boundless and unending and enthused gratitude for them; and joy which laughs in the wake of them. Wishing you well in particular, timbre

  4. I wish that people would not cast others aside. Who knows the reason? I see it happen all the time. Years of boredom and lack of trying to keep something alive takes its toll. And finally, love dies. I have not felt that. I am glad to still be in love. I do know that there was a shift in our relationship to one in which I now take care of myself a lot more. I hope that you take care of yourself as well. God does do good things for us.