photo by scottyyoung.com
I have a lot going on in my head these days, so what else is new? The difference is that before when I was down and out I couldn't really feel the emotions. I was in a state of denial and so the emotions were never dealt with in a healthy way.
I was sad and in a lot of pain but it was swirling around constantly I couldn't face what it was really about. I was dumped, after 13 years I was left for someone else blah, blah, blah .... Hey I am not saying it wasn't a big deal it rocked my world. It has taken me four years to come back to the surface.
This week I had a couple of epiphanies. First I took an personality test. I can't help myself I love that kind of stuff more insight. Anyway, my highest score was self-sacrificing, no big surprise really, but what it did say was that that is how I get my fulfillment in life. Anticipating the needs of others is second nature. I give but it is extremely difficult for me to receive.
Two things that stood out to me was that this type of person can be easily overlooked because they are stealth in actions. They do it because it is their nature and enjoy pleasing others. When they are gone they leave a surprising large hole behind. The other thing is that in their personal life they can attract users people that need to be taken care of, not a big surprise. It isn't personal just a good fit.
As a sat on my friends couch, the other night, looking at the street light outside I started to recall the moment of the break-up. What I felt at that moment and tears started flowing, in a good way. I could handle the truth and pain of what happen to me without censoring myself or trying to be brave. It felt like I was in a trance looking at that light and seeing every detail of that moment while the pain drained out of me.
When I love I love big. I put everything into making it work and it is my nature to take care of things and people. The sadness I realized just this week is that it feels like with all that I put into that relationship it didn't matter, I didn't matter.
The sadness is from thinking that I am not missed. That only I suffered from the loss. My own feelings of self-worth is really where this comes from. I don't matter to me.
The truth is I do make a big difference where ever I go. Whenever I put my heart into something, things change for the better. Sometimes in a big way. I was always taught to be humble and God would reward me in the end. Never toot your own horn. Pride goeth before the fall. But it is healthy to know your own self-worth and not depend on outside sources for confirmation. God given talents, right?
The truth is every body makes a difference. Do I think so little of myself that I can't imagine anyone missing me from their lives. I think I just want someone to say so. Fat chance.
I just want some fantasy call that says hey I am sorry I didn't realize just how much you were worth to me. That is not going to happen. I wouldn't be willing to do that either. Pride again. Even now for me to admit there is anything about that relationship I miss, is too much for me.
So will I be missed? I have to know in my heart that the answer is yes. That is what is important for my survival. I bring a lot to the table I commit heart and soul to everything I do. I can't wait for validation that will never come.
I feel so free these days getting the last bits of grief out of my system. I am closer to the person I was at eight before my mother got sick. I can see all of life's possibilities and everything is an adventure. I am going to be ok. I am going to make it.
It has a been a long journey back to my real self and I can't wait to see what is next.