Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Lake of Fire - Learning to swim

So today is the big day. The big 50 . "This is your life"  I think that is the name of a pamphlet I used to hand out as a child for the church. Saving people from the lake of fire. It actually showed cartoon people burning. Scary stuff and my responsibility was to keep them from that. This was and awesome responsibility for a child but I was up for the job and knew I could make a difference.

No wonder I thought I was powerful. I thought it was my job to change people and show them the error of their ways.  I still do that sometimes it never works the hard sell. People have to first dismiss what you said and manifest as there own original idea. Especially if the person is close to you because then they think you have a personal agenda or they know too much about you to respect your opinion.

When I was involved with an active alcoholic my stance was to manipulate him into doing what I thought was best for him without him knowing. As the disease in our relationship progressed it stopped working for me. I thought I was manipulating him in the right direction but things were getting worse. I had lost my magic power over him and then self doubt crept in and I became paralyzed and didn't do or say anything. I feared that I would say or do the wrong thing and ruin everything. News flash everything was already ruined.

How did I lose my hold over him? I tried everything to get it back. First I had to make myself look perfect. Then I had to make the house look perfect and prepare perfect meals that I knew he would love. Then when that didn't work I used guilt and then sickness. I was sick but only because I had lost my power over him.

Before he came home at night I would plan out what I would say to get him to come back to me. To go back to the way we were before I had lost him to the progressive disease of alcoholism. I was afraid it was my fault. I did something wrong I said something that made our life change.

Those nights when I carefully rehearsed what I was going to say it turned out worse than I imagined. He would take my words and turn them on me and blame me for ruining everything. This was an easy sell because I had the power and I believed that I had ruined everything. I learned from those nights to say nothing. To stay silent and let my pain eat me alive and it did. I would just wait and hope for a miracle.

I did get my miracle even though it wasn't what I wanted. He left and I found the program. I had to accept my powerlessness over other people and what they do. I had to accept my powerlessness over even myself sometimes.  I had to unlearn everything that I thought I knew for sure was true. This was my own lake of fire.

I have power but it isn't to change other people it is to get out of their way. I still say what I feel but I don't try to sell it as the only truth. It is my truth for that moment and what is done with it is not my business. You love people and you want it to be easier for them than it was for you. You want them to learn from your mistakes but it doesn't work that way. We have to take our own road.

I am not sure what triggered this post I guess with my birthday I have been reviewing the past and what I have learned. I am free spiritually these days and would never go back to any point in my life. I do get lonely sometimes for the person I use to be. Driven with clear objectives and looking forward to the next big thing. Is this age or is this spiritual and emotional maturity. I am learning to accept that this is just where I am today in this moment and not take myself so seriously.

OK. After a little research it was "This was your Life"


  1. Happy belated birthday and thank you for sharing.

  2. Sorry to have missed your birthday. I hope that it was a good one.
    What you wrote reminded how lost I was in others. Not focusing on myself at all but just shifting to what someone else was doing. Pointless.