Thursday, October 25, 2012

What's next

I have been wanting to write but I didn't want to really put in words what I have been feeling lately. First this time of the year feels good to me. The weather is perfect even though I miss the long daylight hours. I have been busy enough at work to make my days full but have be feeling waves of emptiness at night.

Being single and living alone leaves me many hours of time to fill. I use to just sign up for anything and everything to keep from dealing with the fear an emptiness that I was facing when I was alone. I finally burned myself out and was forced to stop and look at the truth. This is my life now. No it isn't what I expected it would be but nevertheless here I am alone with nothing but an open road ahead of me.

I never really had an idea of what my life would be like but it wasn't this. I look around and see no one that I would like to trade places with. So now the question is what should I do with the rest of my life?

It will be five years Thanksgiving since the end of my last relationship. I have learned a lot and really have grown up for this first time in my life. I have stopped expecting other people to fill the void within me and validate my very existence. I am not blaming anyone for how I feel anymore.

I realize now that the blaming game took up a huge chunk of my life and without it I have endless amounts of free time. This can be good if you are a doer and bad if you are a thinker.

At night when I am alone I think too much and wonder just how did I end up where I am and if this is really God's plan for me. During the daylight hours work distracts me and I feel grateful that I am not where I once was and that I have choices even if I feel lonely some times.

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