Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Egos and Cheetos
The whole thing started a week ago so it has given me, yet again, the opportunity to face this dragon. I will say I wasn't able to just put a happy face on it and chock it up to people will be people. I took my usual dive and blamed myself because I made a mistake. I went directly to the idea that I am screwed up and maybe in the wrong business altogether. I started listing all the mistakes of the past especially when I was in the darkest part of my grief.
There is something else going on too that I don't feel I can talk about here. Lets just say the perfect storm gathered yesterday. Both issues relate to rejection. My mind takes the information that I am "a loser" and " nobody likes me" and systematically goes about proving that to be true. This then leads to uncontrollable fear that I am just not going to make it on my own so what is my options?
I left the office yesterday with my chest hurting. I called my sponsor an ask her if I could come over. She was napping and said she would need to get dressed. I told her I would just park in the driveway and wait. I didn't want to disrupt her husband and the dogs besides the car is more private since by that time I was in tears.
She comes out to the car with a bag of Jalapeno Cheetos and says she keeps them in the pantry for just this kind of emergency. She also brought almonds in case I wanted to be more sane and healthy. So we ate Cheetos and talked. Tears and Cheetos a lovely combination.
I have felt alone most of my life felt I never really had anyone to give me support and advice. Even when I was in a relationship the people I picked people who depended on me to be the rock. Sometimes I really just need someone to say your not crazy everyone feels the way you do sometimes. Someone to offer you some Cheetos when your going off the deep end.
I left her house feeling better and going over all the times when things did go right. I have done a lot of kitchens where not one thing went wrong. Lately I have been feeling like my old self and happy to have less drama and then this and my mind says I can't go down this road again. The truth is it is just life on life's terms.
The meeting this morning went well with the irate customer I took my ego out of it and apologized for my mistake and he did the same for his attack on me. So one issue down and one to go. Wish me luck.