I have had to push myself through some final issues with my previous business this week. My former business partner and I could not come to an agreement on transferring the business to her and we have opted to close. A third party vendor is liquidating the business this weekend.
I had some pretty strong feelings about it when one of my friends drove by the shop and saw the auction sign. I was notified this week giving me less than 3 days to respond. I felt sad at first and then I felt like I should do something but inside my spirit said "let it go".
So after Saturday there will be nothing left. The legacy of the former owner basically abandoned by the both of us. We didn't choose to be partners and things worked as long as I didn't expect it to be a partnership.
I have grown up this past year so much I can't even tell you. I can see how my need to please made me a doormat over and over. I was always the last man standing. I wanted to be known as the rock the dependable one the last one bailing water on a sinking ship. In the end the hero or martyr depending on the outcome.
I have been wrong all my life. I thought being the last man standing was the right thing to do even if it was a lost cause. In the end I was shocked to be there alone a victim one more time. When I would tell my story people would feel bad for me and sympathize with me. This made me come back for more.
In the program I learned to stop acting like a victim but I never learned how to stop being a victim. I learned to stop whining and complaining about the latest bully in my life. But my cycle continued I just called it something else. I was self proclaimed hard working un-appreciated person and that had a beacon on my head for users.
I had to see that my thinking that sacrifice was a virtue was wrong. I had to look out for myself first. What a concept to accept that healthy people put themselves first. It isn't selfish it is actually what is best for everyone. You can still help people out when they need it but you don't have to do it all or at the expense of your own happiness.
I have rarely felt appreciated for the sacrifices I made over the years to keep things going. I wanted someone to acknowledge me and see that I was the glue that held things together. I can see that this need for validation set me up for the same situation over and over again.
I have learned that I have to search my heart ever time I start to volunteer for something. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Can I do it without resentment? Can I do it without expecting brownie points? Do I tell myself "a nice person would do this."
I finally understand my need to please kept me coming back for more. With this situation I let everyone involved share the responsibility. I am not too popular but I can live with that.
I am loving my new job and my life is filling up quickly. I am very grateful.