Family - Our original tribe - War

It has been proven scientifically that when you spend time with a person or group of people that your brain chemistry starts to change to match each other while you are together.  This is why when people gather in large groups who already have similar ideas about things can be powerful.  This is why religions through out history called people to come together as an act of commitment to their beliefs..

Even in smaller groups we take on the outlook of the people we are traveling with through life.  The day to day similarity makes us feel like we belong to something our tribe. It isn't acceptable for someone with different ideas to join unless they are planning to assimilate.  There is strength in numbers and if someone doesn't get on board they will be pushed out.

I was listening to an interview with Byron Katey yesterday. For me she really has the answer to mental suffering and it is pretty simple. But that is a different post.  Yesterday she said "when you think someone is wrong it it just because they do not agree with you."  This assumes we are somehow superior in our own beliefs and ideas. She calls this "war".

During the holidays some people end up spending a lot of time with there family. This is when our differences tend to come up.  These people might be our original tribe but now we have moved on and found our own tribe in our everyday life. It makes us feel unsettled that the people we spent our early years with are not like us and and we want to take this one day to try to change them.

With my own family they live in a different world than I do.  Do I think they are wrong? I think they mean well and are passionate about their own beliefs and it is not my responsibility to convert them to mine. If I am pressed I am happy to let them know my own beliefs.

On my recent visit I saw a lot of pain and suffering mostly caused by fear.  Fear of crime and all those people out to get them. Ironically they all live way out in the middle of no where and the likelihood of any of those things happening to them is remote. The mind is always looking for something to do and leans towards fear and negativity.

When I am with my family I imagine that  my own presence of love and acceptance will have an influence on them. It is hard see them suffering but I understand it because I have suffered myself.

Let's face it we all live alone in our heads or with those nasty characters we have created to live with us.  We don't know what is in some one's head or heart we can only bring love and acceptance to the table and be the strong force that makes an impression. This is better than war.

I am spending Christmas alone and happy this year.  I can make a big deal about this or I can enjoy my solitude and know that I am loved from a distance by my original tribe. I have learned how to let myself be happy where ever I am. Merry Christmas.

Moving On - Last Man Standing

I have had to push myself through some final issues with my previous business this week.  My former business partner and I could not come to an agreement on transferring the business to her and we have opted to close.  A third party vendor is liquidating the business this weekend.

I had some pretty strong feelings about it when one of my friends drove by the shop and saw the auction sign. I was notified this week giving me less than 3 days to respond.  I felt sad at first and then I felt like I should do something but inside my spirit said "let it go".

So after Saturday there will be nothing left.  The legacy of the former owner basically abandoned by the both of us.  We didn't choose to be partners and things worked as long as I didn't expect it to be a partnership.

I have grown up this past year so much I can't even tell you.  I can see how my need to please made me a doormat over and over.  I was always the last man standing.  I wanted to be known as the rock the dependable one the last one bailing water on a sinking ship. In the end the hero or martyr depending on the outcome.

I have been wrong all my life.  I thought being the last man standing was the right thing to do even if it was a lost cause. In the end I was shocked to be there alone a victim one more time.  When I would tell my story people would feel bad for me and sympathize with me. This made me come back for more.

In the program I learned to stop acting like a victim but I never learned how to stop being a victim.  I learned to stop whining and complaining about the latest bully in my life. But my cycle continued I just called it something else.   I was self proclaimed hard working un-appreciated person and that had a beacon on my head for users.

I had to see that my thinking that sacrifice was a virtue was wrong. I had to look out for myself first.  What a concept to accept that healthy people put themselves first.  It isn't selfish it is actually what is best for everyone. You can still help people out when they need it but you don't have to do it all or at the expense of your own happiness.

I have rarely felt appreciated for the sacrifices I made over the years to keep things going.  I wanted someone to acknowledge me and see that I was the glue that held things together. I can see that this need for validation set me up for the same situation over and over again.

I have learned that I have to search my heart ever time I start to volunteer for something. Am I doing it for the right reasons? Can I do it without resentment? Can I do it without expecting brownie points? Do I tell myself  "a nice person would do this."

I finally understand my need to please kept me coming back for more.  With this situation I let everyone involved share the responsibility.  I am not too popular but I can live with that.  

I am loving my new job and my life is filling up quickly.  I am very grateful.

Maturity - Being wrong

Our live model and teacher

Every day I realize just how wrong I have been about everything in my life. I can see now that when my mother died I stopped maturing. Without her I had to become my own parent. This isn't really a good idea.

I did grow up quickly and learned how to take care of myself and how to keep other people happy. I didn't know until recently that I have been emotionally eleven. I can't believe that I am even admitting this but it is true.

I married my emotional equal twice. Both adult children, both potential alcoholics but it didn't matter. The first I tried to change the second post 12 steps I didn't. They were both loving and generous but just like children found their new best friend a little more interesting.

I can see how immature I have been now and realize the act of thinking someone can make you happy forever is a real stretch. I can't even make myself happy for very long.

I think I am finally adult enough to be in an adult relationship. Now I just have to find another adult.

I am happy for the first time in a long time. My happiness isn't dependent on any one person or any one thing to happening. I just want to do things I enjoy with interesting people all the time.

I went to an drawing class last night. It was fun and everybody brought food. It felt like some how I am back where I belong.

PS. There is a Ted Talk on "Being Wrong" that says it all.