Saturday, January 25, 2014

Tears of Joy - Leaving my mind behind

When I was driving to my counselors appointment on Tuesday I was suddenly overwhelmed and tears began to roll down my cheeks.  They were tears of joy feeling like my life was back to normal.

This isn't any where close to being true. When was the last time I felt normal?  Before bits and pieces of my life were scattered to the wind.  About six or maybe seven years ago. That was last time I was only worried about work and normal things like chores and paperwork.

You take these mundane things for granted until you don't have them anymore.  When your days become only about making it until the next day. You watch other people and you know you aren't like them anymore. You remember being like them but you know you aren't anymore and the fear is that you will never be again.

My mind wants to dwell on why this happen to me.  Why after a lifetime of comebacks that this time I almost didn't make it back.  But I feel so good that I just want to live.  I just want to do ordinary things like empty the dishwasher and wash clothes.

I want to tell people that I see stressing over nothing. I want to say "Hey all this stuff you think is life and death is a joke"  I want to tell them that to stop and enjoy what is instead of wanting something they think they need in the future.

I have lived in my mind most of my life. I created a complicated place that I almost didn't escape from. I imagined that I was permanently damaged by my past and would forever be lost in pain and suffering.

A seed was planted a long time ago telling me that I was damaged. I built an interior life around this idea and used everything that happened to me as means to reinforce this idea. I had help too I got a lot of sympathy for what I had been through this helped me stay where I was even longer.

I believed this story I told myself. I have spent my life trying to fix my brokenness and after investigating every possible solution I found the one final truth "I am not broken the idea that I think I am broken is the real problem."  Nothing that happen to me is happening now it is my mind that is holding on to the pain. In truth I am addicted to the pain of my story.

I don't regret the path I have taken to heal myself.  I have met the people I call my family now.  I obviously couldn't do it any other way or I would have.  I hope my experience can save someone else a lot of time.

My way out did start with the 12 steps showing me how to control my thinking.  They also taught me that I wasn't perfect and neither was anyone else.  I learned to let go of my control and let life work itself out.

Today for the first time I am truly free from myself.


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