I spent the day working in the yard. It was really beautiful here and a nice day to get out and get moving. I cleaned the leaves off the roof and cleaned the gutters. Even though I have have been in the this house six years now it feels like it is new to me.
Sometimes I feel really guilty about the time I was lost in depression. What I have ahead of me is pretty daunting where my house is concerned. It reminds me of when I lived with alcoholism.
When my husband left the house was full of stuff. Years of two really sick people living together. Every room was packed and we even had two broken down cars in the garage. He walked away and I retreated to my bed. It was too much for me losing him what would I do I couldn't take a breath without him. He was my saviour.
When I crawled out from under that rock and attended my first meeting I began to change. I began to start to take care of myself. My life stopped revolving around someone else and there wants and needs. I started making decision that were what I needed and from my heart.
It was really scary to be on my own again. I wasn't making enough money to pay the mortgage let alone the rest of the expenses that went with owning a house. The program gave me the courage to move forward. It taught me how to believe in the grace of God in my life and there was a lot of grace.
I got two promotions and in one year that doubled my salary. Totally against company policy to get two promotions in one year but somehow it happened to me.
Before the promotions I needed to sell those cars and didn't even have the money for an ad in the paper. One had four flat tires. I used my bicycle tire pump and pumped those tires up, popped the clutch into neutral and rolled it out into the drive way. I put a for sale sign on it and the next day someone knocked on the door and offered me 2,000 in cash. The other I sold back to my ex after he totaled his car.
I believed and it worked. I believed that God was taking care of me. It was just me and him until I met someone and then I shifted some of that faith on to my new love. Little by little I made a life that depended on the people and things around me instead of the grace I had found.
It is good to love and be loved but there must be more a deeper since of trust in yourself and trust in something greater than yourself spiritually. To know yourself to the core to face the secrets you have kept even from yourself. To lay it all out there and accept and love yourself regardless of what you see.
My journey has led me to some pretty awful places but I have no regrets because it has brought me full circle back to myself. The person I was before I learned life the wrong way. I have found true grace.