I worked from home today for the first time since I started my new job. If feels weird to me I haven't worked at home since I moved to this house; When I lived with my ex I regularly worked at home and enjoyed getting a break from the office.
For some reason this house doesn't feel a part of me yet. Even though I have been here 6 years now. I think maybe because I was missing five out of the six years. I rejected my new home and my circumstances it all felt wrong like I didn't belong here or anywhere for that matter. So I left emotionally.
This is a great house and now that I am back maybe I can make in mine in my heart. The life I thought I was going to have ended abruptly and it was too much. But at some point you have to move on like it or not.
Tonight I was thinking about how complicated relationships can be after I watched an episode of Parenthood. A once stable couple on the show is separated. He decided to move out and it seems like divorce is inevitable. She ask him why he isn't fighting for them she says "the person I knew would fight for us."
I said to my husband when he decided to leave. I guess sometimes it is too late to fight or your just too tired. Sometimes there is the dream of something different or someone different that makes people give up.
Today while I was working I was listening to the blues classics and it reminded me of when we were together. We use to go to the Blues festivals and concerts together. I wasn't sure if he really liked the Blues or whether the festivals were an excuse to drink for days. Sitting in the sun with a bunch of drinkers ruined these times for me.
I divorced the Blues when I divorced him but today I realized that I really do like the Blues. Back then my life revolved around him and it was hard for me to know where he ended and I began. I am glad to find the Blues again after 20 years.
It is back to the office tomorrow where I will have no time for thinking or for the Blues.
I am inspired by your courage and inner strength that comes out in your writing here..which is beautiful and I appreciate you sharing your experiences as it deepens me.
ReplyDeleteI am resonating with your thoughts and feelings here around loss and how I, too like yourself have felt disempowered following loss..feeling so fragile at times and all broken up..gradually I got off the pity bus and started coming into my own..its a process..days have sometimes been difficult and sometimes not. Life is to be lived and being mindful that I cannot change anyone but I can transform my own inner life..I cannot stand in the same river twice. Cultivating the practice of loving kindness towards each other so that each can be on the journey for spirit's quest for freedom since we are one love is all we need. ~ Blessings on your path
Namaste