Tuesday, April 14, 2015

I use be funny

Since I awoke from my depression I been living in a void emotionally. I was happy that I wasn't depressed anymore so I accepted where I have been. Anything felt better than darkness and despair.

Before the depression I always knew who I was. I knew every detail of my story and drew on the strength of my survival skills and my ability to just keep on going. But this time I lost myself and only the last part was true. I just kept moving.

So recently things have been good I am past the worst and humming along feeling okay. I can accept okay. I actually like okay. There is no mystery in a reliable okay.

With life nothing stays the same and lately I have been experiencing little spurts of better than okay. I am trying not to get too excited about it but it is good. Today while I was bantering back and forth with a co-worker through email I made a joke. He made a joke back that made me laugh and I couldn't stop laughing. I sat alone in my office laughing. It felt really good. Weird but really good.

I thought about it tonight and remembered that I use to be funny. I remember small pockets of my life when I wasn't dealing with serious crisis or working to reach some goal that I could be funny.

I have spent a lifetime working on myself. Thinking if I could be better or fix what was wrong with me things would turn out better. I would be more attractive and earn the love I wanted.  In the future the people I love wouldn't leave me. I believed that if I changed it would make difference.

With the depression and the final breaking open of who I am I have been released from this idea. It is an old part of my story and without the weight of feeling I must do more I am finally free to just enjoy my life.

Love just happens and real love isn't earned. Even if love is lost the moments while it lasted were real and something to be cherished. We change and when we change sometimes we no longer fit together and we go our separate ways. It wasn't a mistake it is just how thing are not how we want them to be.

I am free now and not afraid to live the life I want. I am not afraid anymore of not being who I think someone else wants me to be. I am free to let go of the idea that I need to be fixed. I am free to laugh again.  

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