My slump at work ended abruptly and threw me in to over drive this week ending the week with four appointments yesterday, Today my introverted self feels like I have just returned from a long trip. I stayed in bed this morning and watched a movie "Extremely Lound and Incredilbly Close" a story of a nine year old coping with the death of his father on 9/11.
It was an excellent movie about grief and our ability to try to make sense on something that just doesn't make sense especially to a nine year old. Death at an early age can distort your view of the world and your whole life. You know are changed but how much you are not sure. You imagine that everyone around you has a safe and secure life while you are out there flapping in the wind.
You get use to it the isolation mostly self created. You learn to make the best of it and entertain yourself. The adults seem too wrapped up in there on suffering to see how things really are and maybe give you some direction. Truthfully you don't want the extra attention another burden to lay upon them. What is the point? No one can do anything to change what has happen and your resolve sets in to just accept that you are alone and you are left to heal yourself.
None of this is intentional of course. Life slips by quickly and everyone is just trying to forget what happened but you can't. The world isn't safe anymore and you have to learn how to live with it. You manage no matter what and adapt to the situation around you no matter how extreme it becomes. I was treated as if nothing every happen. There was no discussion ever and we just went on as if my mother never existed.
Today I understand it intellectually and don't blame anyone anymore for my circumstance. It is still true that I was permanently changed all those years ago. I feel like I learned to live without being connected too deeply to other people. When a relationship ends emotionally I never look back. I submerge the hurt until it surfaces as depression. When I am left the child in me thinks it had to be my fault even though I know it wasn't there is that little bit of doubt.
Today it is just easier to stop making the effort to connect especially with my family. I am too tired to try to make something out of nothing. My sister makes and effort by calling me at 1 AM because that is what is convenient for her. She is busy and so am I so how important is it to maintain this thread of connection. It doesn't feel real or genuine to me.
As you can tell I am just feeling tired and overwhelmed today. The movie set off some emotions for me and I am just working them out here. I am wanting a new connection today even though I am too tired to do anything about it. I am feeling stuck in the thought that I will always feel like I do today.
I will get past this as I always do nothing last forever good or bad.