Because I have been ADD all my life I forever had an endless list in my head of things I wanted to do. I hardly ever get tired and don't spend much time basking in my successes. I move on to the next thing pretty quickly.
When I was a manager my team had serious deadlines to meet at the end of each month it was stressful but invigorating and when we met the goal we all clapped and danced around for about two seconds. I would then start thinking about next month or the next minute.
I didn't get it that everyone wanted to take a moment a celebrate and they felt I did not appreciate their efforts but I did. It just isn't in me to linger very long doing anything. This has made me a success professionally but personally the only people I attract is the ones that are happy to just sit back and let me take care of everything physically and emotionally. I was mostly too busy to notice but when I started feel used or invisible I withdrew.
Every relationship felt one sided I ask you how you are doing and what is going on in your life and you ask me nothing. This has taught me to be self sufficent emotionally. Instead of giving into the kid inside of me that drug my mother to my room to show her how clean it looked hoping to get some positive response. She did make nice remarks but there was always one thing not quite right. I got the idea that I was not enough. I would need to focus harder next time to please her.
I do that now I focus on what I didn't do right instead of all the good things I have done. This made me a perfect match for my addicted partners. In my experience it was this doubt I had about myself that let them control me. I say they can smell blood in the water and because my relationships were so intimate and isolated they had the upper hand. It was my own insecurities that made me give away my power.
I don't pick supportive people maybe because it feels so foreign to me. I am use to feeling on my own but it isn't healthy. When I went to see my childhood friend and she was so kind and generous with me it really felt wonderful. When I got back it was my birthday and my friends here didn't even mention it. Is this the kind of friends I want?
It really hurt. I am withdrawing and preparing for something new. Mentally I feel good I have given up carbs and my mind is very clear. As far as the mother story I am sure she was trying to help me strive for excellence. Ironically my step mother was 10 times the cleaning perfectionist when someone else was doing it. re-enforcing the idea that I am not good enough.
I have spent the last 20 years figuring out how I got here emotionally. I now want to spend the next twenty enjoying being here and appreciating my contributions to this world. I have done my best and it has to be good enough for me and that is all.
Showing posts with label isolation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label isolation. Show all posts
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Friday, November 13, 2015
Life - Making changes
This week my friend whose mother passed away called to let me know her father died last weekend. This was basically a month to the day her mother died. She of course was in shock.
He was not exactly father of the year leaving her mother for his secretary when we were kids. He and his new wife of 40 something years were mainly focused on making money. They had a big house in Hilton Head and as my friend learned this week ignored both sides of the family equally. My friend always assumed he was spending time with the other grand kids and not with her kids.
During her mother's funeral he made the comment that he wasn't mentioned during the service. Her brother told him that when his time came they would talk about him. No one could have predicted it would be so soon.
How strange life is and how you never what you will be dealing with next. My friends her mother never really got over be left by her dad. She had a full life but made a decision to never marry again. My friend said these last years she started talking more about him and how her life could have been different if her dad hadn't left.
My friend loved her dad despite his indifference to her and her own family. She spoke to him a couple of times his last few days. She was able to tell him she loved him. Because he lived out of town the last time she saw him was at her mother's funeral.
Even though his life seemed enviable from her mothers perspective they had their problems. They were isolated and his wife has had severe dementia for many years. Since they alienated their family they were alone and he had to drive himself to the emergency room. He died of double pneumonia aggravated by double prescribed cholesterol drugs.
You never know just how things will go or who will be there for you in the end. My like feels pretty empty these days but I am making changes. I feel good and ready to do something different with my personal life. I want my life to be fuller and in the end I want to feel content with the choices I have made.
He was not exactly father of the year leaving her mother for his secretary when we were kids. He and his new wife of 40 something years were mainly focused on making money. They had a big house in Hilton Head and as my friend learned this week ignored both sides of the family equally. My friend always assumed he was spending time with the other grand kids and not with her kids.
During her mother's funeral he made the comment that he wasn't mentioned during the service. Her brother told him that when his time came they would talk about him. No one could have predicted it would be so soon.
How strange life is and how you never what you will be dealing with next. My friends her mother never really got over be left by her dad. She had a full life but made a decision to never marry again. My friend said these last years she started talking more about him and how her life could have been different if her dad hadn't left.
My friend loved her dad despite his indifference to her and her own family. She spoke to him a couple of times his last few days. She was able to tell him she loved him. Because he lived out of town the last time she saw him was at her mother's funeral.
Even though his life seemed enviable from her mothers perspective they had their problems. They were isolated and his wife has had severe dementia for many years. Since they alienated their family they were alone and he had to drive himself to the emergency room. He died of double pneumonia aggravated by double prescribed cholesterol drugs.
You never know just how things will go or who will be there for you in the end. My like feels pretty empty these days but I am making changes. I feel good and ready to do something different with my personal life. I want my life to be fuller and in the end I want to feel content with the choices I have made.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Nothing last forever
My slump at work ended abruptly and threw me in to over drive this week ending the week with four appointments yesterday, Today my introverted self feels like I have just returned from a long trip. I stayed in bed this morning and watched a movie "Extremely Lound and Incredilbly Close" a story of a nine year old coping with the death of his father on 9/11.
It was an excellent movie about grief and our ability to try to make sense on something that just doesn't make sense especially to a nine year old. Death at an early age can distort your view of the world and your whole life. You know are changed but how much you are not sure. You imagine that everyone around you has a safe and secure life while you are out there flapping in the wind.
You get use to it the isolation mostly self created. You learn to make the best of it and entertain yourself. The adults seem too wrapped up in there on suffering to see how things really are and maybe give you some direction. Truthfully you don't want the extra attention another burden to lay upon them. What is the point? No one can do anything to change what has happen and your resolve sets in to just accept that you are alone and you are left to heal yourself.
None of this is intentional of course. Life slips by quickly and everyone is just trying to forget what happened but you can't. The world isn't safe anymore and you have to learn how to live with it. You manage no matter what and adapt to the situation around you no matter how extreme it becomes. I was treated as if nothing every happen. There was no discussion ever and we just went on as if my mother never existed.
Today I understand it intellectually and don't blame anyone anymore for my circumstance. It is still true that I was permanently changed all those years ago. I feel like I learned to live without being connected too deeply to other people. When a relationship ends emotionally I never look back. I submerge the hurt until it surfaces as depression. When I am left the child in me thinks it had to be my fault even though I know it wasn't there is that little bit of doubt.
Today it is just easier to stop making the effort to connect especially with my family. I am too tired to try to make something out of nothing. My sister makes and effort by calling me at 1 AM because that is what is convenient for her. She is busy and so am I so how important is it to maintain this thread of connection. It doesn't feel real or genuine to me.
As you can tell I am just feeling tired and overwhelmed today. The movie set off some emotions for me and I am just working them out here. I am wanting a new connection today even though I am too tired to do anything about it. I am feeling stuck in the thought that I will always feel like I do today.
I will get past this as I always do nothing last forever good or bad.
It was an excellent movie about grief and our ability to try to make sense on something that just doesn't make sense especially to a nine year old. Death at an early age can distort your view of the world and your whole life. You know are changed but how much you are not sure. You imagine that everyone around you has a safe and secure life while you are out there flapping in the wind.
You get use to it the isolation mostly self created. You learn to make the best of it and entertain yourself. The adults seem too wrapped up in there on suffering to see how things really are and maybe give you some direction. Truthfully you don't want the extra attention another burden to lay upon them. What is the point? No one can do anything to change what has happen and your resolve sets in to just accept that you are alone and you are left to heal yourself.
None of this is intentional of course. Life slips by quickly and everyone is just trying to forget what happened but you can't. The world isn't safe anymore and you have to learn how to live with it. You manage no matter what and adapt to the situation around you no matter how extreme it becomes. I was treated as if nothing every happen. There was no discussion ever and we just went on as if my mother never existed.
Today I understand it intellectually and don't blame anyone anymore for my circumstance. It is still true that I was permanently changed all those years ago. I feel like I learned to live without being connected too deeply to other people. When a relationship ends emotionally I never look back. I submerge the hurt until it surfaces as depression. When I am left the child in me thinks it had to be my fault even though I know it wasn't there is that little bit of doubt.
Today it is just easier to stop making the effort to connect especially with my family. I am too tired to try to make something out of nothing. My sister makes and effort by calling me at 1 AM because that is what is convenient for her. She is busy and so am I so how important is it to maintain this thread of connection. It doesn't feel real or genuine to me.
As you can tell I am just feeling tired and overwhelmed today. The movie set off some emotions for me and I am just working them out here. I am wanting a new connection today even though I am too tired to do anything about it. I am feeling stuck in the thought that I will always feel like I do today.
I will get past this as I always do nothing last forever good or bad.
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