I slept too long this morning. I was lost in the dream world and it seemed so interesting I wanted to stay so I did. The dream had to do with renovating a very old house for some customers the house definitely had some potential but what we were doing felt like a band aid. I decided to exit the dream because I looked down at my bare feet and there was a spider biting my toe.
I wonder about dreams are they some other world that maybe after we die we return there permanently. Maybe they are just clusters of a the parts of our mind that aren't very neat and organized. All our interest and worries jumbled together and we have to be there in person to deal with them.
I have been a little annoyed since I came back to work after taking a week off. I got a taste of what it might be like to take care of some of my own personal priorities. Maybe that is what the dream was about the biting of the spider a painful wake up call for me bring my focus back to me and maybe even my body.
I have spent a lot of my time dealing with my mind and my emotions. I finally feel that I have found the answers that will allow me to be free of the need to continue trying to fix myself spiritually. During that process my body was never a priority. It just followed my mind around without much complaining.
So I have decided to go to a more plant based diet no extremes just more plants. This past month I have been just eating when I am hungry and mostly just one bigger healthier meal a day. This has satisfied me and I have lost a few pounds and took the focus off food. I now think I am ready to go one step further and start focusing on preparing more meals at home and eliminating meat from my diet.
In my past I identified myself as a good cook I spent years in the kitchen preparing tasty meals to show my love. When that piece of my life ended I lost that part of me along with many other labels I had given myself. I didn't cook for others anymore and if I did cook the joy wasn't there for me. I just cooked to get by the passion was gone.
While on my healing journey and have reached a place of peace. I no longer feel that I am broken and need to be fixed. I know I have been looking for someone to love and cherish me but really I needed to love and cherish myself first. I can do that now and stop looking for the external world to show me I am worthy of love.
What does this have to do with diet and food. I guess it is just me listening to my inner self telling me it is time to start nourishing my body and giving myself the love I so freely gave to others with my cooking. A slow migration towards taking care of myself physically as well as spiritually.
Over the years I have given up things like Diet Coke which I craved. I woke up one morning and was done. Then I gave up sugar in my coffee and then coffee. None of this felt like deprivation I knew in my heart that I was using these things as crutches or little rituals that helped me escape from a life that scared me.
It feels good now to just trust the process and not pressure myself into big changes. My inner spirit will take me where I need to go if I will just stop long enough to listen. That is what time off did for me it gave me a chance to listen.
This is an appropriate theme for Easter a time of year for awakenings. I have given up who I thought I was for a more whole less needy person. This came with a lot of suffering and has brought me to a place of forgiveness for myself. I was never enough for me I can see that now and therefore never enough for anyone else. My journey I can see now has been truly a miracle.