It seems about every ten years I experience a life transformation. Changing careers beginning new relationships moving away from the familiar towards the unfamiliar. I wish I could say that all those transformations were by choice but being the person I am I really never saw any of them coming.
I spent my first 30 years trying to control every inch of my life and anyone in it. Living with alcoholism taught me a real lesson that nothing and no one could be controlled not even myself. The next ten years I did the opposite and controlled nothing and took the path of least resistance. For the most part I stopped pushing other people and let life just unfold.
I can't say it worked out any better but it was definitely a lot less work for me. I really didn't want to be responsible for the choices of others or myself for that matter. I didn't want to take the blame for anything like I did when I lived with alcoholism.
With failure of either method I have been stuck for the last ten years. My bout with menopause and depression and getting left behind again made me scared to move. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life was gone. I didn't know how to move on. I have moved forward but in slow motion and in my mind heading towards nothing. The old me gone and no one to take her place.
With my friends sickness and heading into the next ten years I have decided I want to make choices intentionally. I want to shape my life and I am finally ready to move on deliberately. Not pushing and not dragging anything or anyone with me.
To match my emotional transformation I have started a transformation of my physical space. I have a beautiful home and the outside has been painted and yard has be planted. Putting on a good face for the public but inside I haven't invested much time or money. I have especially rejected the kitchen the place where I nourish myself and lately my friend. It is the original 1984 kitchen with butter colored counter tops. A sad state for sure and cooking for the past month has made me see just how sad it is.
I am doing kitchen and floors downstairs. I had the black tile removed from the foyer this week and I am replacing everything with light tile including my bedroom. I have been living on concrete in there since the flood when I moved in ten years ago. I couldn't decide what flooring and I had an old dog so carpet wasn't an option. I feel like I am seeing everything for the first time.
Since this is my business, design that is, I am not too excited. My house is already covered with dust from tile removal. But I am ready to invest in me and the future of me. I am past coping with life and can make decisions from a place of investment in life instead of apathy.
I know the future is always uncertain and no amount of wishing, praying or money will secure a bright and happy one for anyone. We can just accept that this is it and tomorrow will come and it may be bright and happy who knows. We have today and this time to do what we can to love and be loved starting with ourselves.
I am the best me I have ever been and I am excited about the day and I am ready for the next ten years. Happy New Year.
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