What is wrong with me? The final solution

I haven't written here since my birthday and thought I would see if I have anything to say. First I am great probably the best I have ever been. My life as you know has been a search to figure out how to do better and most of all to feel better.

I give recent credit for healing to my therapist and to EMDR. I have handled life by bracing my self for something awful or swimming through treacherous waters, I have felt like an alien visiting here watching other people just move through life not thinking too much and not worrying too much.

I took a trip to see my family earlier this month and is actually felt good. Everyone older and wiser including me. On the way I listen to a book "What happened to you?". It summed up where I have been and where I am now.

The author is a trauma specialist and said something that spoke to me. She said instead of saying "whats wrong with me?" say "what happened to me?".  I have said the first for as long as I remember even now if I feel sad or just not interested in life I say "whats wrong with you?"

My work with EMDR has brought forward some significant events to the surface. Things that I have known about intellectually for a long time. What happened to me early in my life and the guilt I have for even thinking about it after so many years.  

I have written about those here hoping I could just let them go by putting them on the page. I have let those painful experiences go so many times but not really. The book talks about trauma in the body mostly early trauma and how it stays with children forever. 

The EMDR has helped me experience these painful times as an adult. Going back to the moment in mind as an adult and walking through my feelings until they dissipate. When I have my next session I can hardly remember what was addressed before. 

There isn't anything wrong with me I just had some things happen to me that made me think I was a problem and a real burden to everyone around me. I was regularly punished for being who I was and asking too many questions all in the name of love.

 I lost my family after my mother died and I found the best way to be loved is to earn it by doing things people wanted done and doing them perfectly. I learned to anticipate their every need.  As an adult when I had a crisis and couldn't fulfill my previous roll I was left.

I thought this was my fault that I was flawed in some way and didn't deserve love. I am free from that thought now and have moved through the events that created this belief. I have forgiven the child that I have been trying to solve the problem of me. 

This blog saved me and gave me a place to tell my story with honesty and freedom. I want to let you know to never give up on finding a way to feel better. Finding a way to knowing there is nothing wrong with you.  Finding peace with the past and loving yourself when it feels impossible. 

Snakes and Swampy places - Depression

I have written five drafts that never got posted because I have had a number of weeks of ups and downs bordering on depression.  A sense of underlying sadness that I can't really contribute to anything in particular.

I did have my minor oral surgery and they did use twilight at my request so maybe that messed with my brain.  My sleep has been disturbed since I had the second vaccine but I can't be sure that either one is causing my mood change.  I have noticed on the nights of good long sleep I am my old self again.

With depression time can seem to go on forever when I am locked in the repetition of bad thoughts in my head.  The occasional negative comment from myself to myself is normal but when I go to familiar repetitive places of the past I feel like I am back on the old race track going around and around with no option to get off.  

In the midst of all this I have been cleaning out my jungle in the back yard.  This is not an exaggeration I live on a small inlet off the river. It is a circle with maybe ten houses on it. The oak trees and miscellaneous vegetation is so densely packed in that you cannot see the other houses. 

We all own a pie shaped piece that grows non stop and not easily tamed. Once a new owner  spent weeks and used serious machinery to fight back the vegetation and within a few months it was back and no one has tried since. It will never be a suburban backyard. 

I have started clearing my own piece of the pie.  There are snakes and mud back there where the river water ebbs and flows. I have put on my knee high Hello Kitty galoshes armed with my hand saw and started pruning. I was surprised that after the first four hours I could really see the difference. I have a high porch because the house sits on the hill. The front of the house at street level I can almost see the water from the porch. 

I am really looking at my neighbors water view. Just like me the last ten years for her has been full of heartbreak.  Her husband had severe heart problems and passed two years ago. She has done even less maintenance than me and when I moved here the side of their house was covered with vines.  We have zero lot lines and the side of her house is the right side of my driveway. In my compulsiveness I slowly removed them.

Clearing the back reminds me of what it is like to recover from something. It reminds me of being so lost that you can't imagine things could or will ever be different. It is a slow process healing from life's devastation. Losing someone or losing the life you thought you would have can leave stuck for a long time. 

It can't be done quick like the guy that spent so many weekends clearing everything. It is really about just starting somewhere that makes the view a little better. With one nine each blade and determination I can see the water and the possibilities. I can say to myself that I am not where I was before even if I experience a set back.

Recovery just like my jungle has snakes and swampy places that seem terrifying.  I have experienced these things before and know that am stronger now and will emerge better than ever. I have created a clearing that gives me hope for the future and I can trust myself to just keep cutting away the obstacles to mental health.

My neighbor has come alive after mourning her husband's death. She is writing and has a guy that regularly maintains her house for her. We have both spent the last decade focusing on the small moments right in front of us and being afraid of the future. 

I get mad at myself when I have a slip and immediately look at the lives of others and wonder why I couldn't have made better choices. Nobody gets what they want and even when they do they don't realize it. We make choices and then other people make choice that affect us. 

We can be content with the day and the life we have before us and create a new clearing that gives us hope for the future.  We can make sure we take care of our physical selves and know that we don't want to waste another moment being unhappy. 

   

Mental Health - Denial - Lives are wasted

This is the moment when we find out what we are made of and if the tools we have picked up along the way will sustain us. It is natural to feel shocked and overwhelmed by the people around us that don't feel the same way we do or worse they assume we believe the way that they do.

I got a pretty outrageous text from someone that said the people on TV were hired by the government to impersonate normal flag waving patriots despite the fact that their leaders have been identified. I did not reply because I wondered if I had given them the idea that I would be be happy to get this message. I thought it might be a group message but it was only for me.

Our chemistry dictates that we feel better when we belong to a group. Our serotonin goes up and stays up when we feel like we are some how part of a special group. That need is strong especially now when we have to rely on our own emotional stability to survive. Hours and hours alone with the our media of choice pumping us full of fear we want to feel like we are right and they are wrong. This is our brain at work. 

We aren't feeling stable and safe enough to take a time out and be okay not knowing what will happen tomorrow. Our brains want more information so we can solve the fear and uncertainty we are feeling or to make easy we just choose black or white. 

I have had a lot of experience with feeling so insecure and scared that my mind literally took a time out. It broke and I felt blank for awhile. You know this if you have been here before. 

The good news is that we will make it. The world and politics moves slowly whether we like it or not. Healing moves slowly whether we like it or not. All we can do is control what we are letting into our brains. We have to stop feeding the fear and find peace for today.

The text made me sad and I am not sure what I will say about it but for now I am putting that relationship on hold until I decide what needs to be said.  Although the relationship is casual it feels dishonest to me to just pretend I am on the same page. 

Denial is our way of coping with when we can't come to terms with the truth. This is why we stay in relationships too long or ignore the abuse in an alcoholic relationship. The thought of facing the pain that comes with seeing the truth is too terrifying. We get stuck thinking things will change. 

I do think we stay denial until something bad happens and then we either say enough is enough or we dig in deeper. I am a coward when it comes to this and something bad has to happen to make me snap out of it. In relationships this hurts everyone and the end result doesn't change it just gets postponed and lives are wasted. 

I have a lot experience with denial and it saved me on more than one occasion. It has it's purpose and while our sub-conscious is sorting things out it is a nice place to visit. Living there will alienate you from the people that want to help you to get better and to move on. You are left with those that are like you that feed the sickness and keep you stuck. Only we can only decide when to face the truth and go from there. 

When faced with the denial of others we can only watch. We have to wait until they are ready to move on but can't pretend to go along with it. This prolongs the inevitable awakening or in some cases the loss of someone we love. 

This post is mostly about relationships and not politics but the denial of another does force us to choose our own sanity over trying to change another person. We can still love them from a distance and not banish them from our lives but we have to protect our own peace.  

Evolution - Change - Coping with Chaos

Back to work this week and feeling pretty good.  It was short week of only four days and only a few appointments but plenty of paperwork to do. I did feel by taking a short sabbatical from the day to day  I have lost my drive. The pressure I create for myself day to day doing what I do. Always planting seeds for future and harvesting those planted last month of last year today. 

I thank God that business is good even though it seems to world in a ball rolling down a hill right now.  Half the country holding their breath waiting for January 20th and the other half wishing the fake news was true and their man of the hour isn't out on his ear. The last thing my brother-in-law said to me before left was  "there will be riots in the street when this election is reversed." I said nothing took his gift of mega toilet paper and left.

I understand where they are coming from and why they are attracted to this wild west form of charisma.  We  have been at a stalemate for a long time and then we have a guy that comes in and says "who cares about the rules this is my town and I will do what I want!" It feels refreshing to have a leader who totally throws out everything our democracy is built on. This is also called a dictatorship. 

At this point the momentum has built up and the mob mentality has taken over. We want to believe none of this is real including the virus. We want to live in denial so we follow his lead.  I was there while I was living with alcoholism and it is how I coped with the reality of my life. I wanted to believe this charismatic person who told me not to belief my own eyes. The alternative was to see my dream and future was ending so I went along.  

When dealing with something we just can't bring ourselves to face we can create a world of our own. We won't let any information that might crumble any portion of our fantasy. It is too scary to face the truth. With today's media we can select the truth we want to believe and the algorithms will send us what we want to hear to keep us watching and buying products being advertised there.

After watching the pictures the crowd gathering at the bar on Staten Island I thought those who use alcohol to curb the anxiety of life must be going nuts as seen by these pictures. We don't have great coping skills for the regular problems of life and what we are facing now far exceeds the problems of the past. 

The mind cannot cope and living in a fantasy is how a lot of people are making it day to day. The deaths are just numbers on the screen and if they aren't our loved ones then we can dismiss them as not real. Just like when war casualties are announced it seems faraway. It is our brains way of putting what we feel we can't control aside so we can survive.

It is real for those people who have lost someone in this fight. Losing someone close to you will change your life forever. The death of my own mother to cancer changed the course of my life forever. I have never felt safe in this world. My belief in a God to protect me from harm didn't exist anymore. If my mother was taken after dedicating her life to God then what hope did the rest of us have. 

I am definitely not all doom and gloom and I realize that what we are experiencing now is evolution.  The ups and downs of growth and growth is painful. The old guard is seeing there time passing and they are freaking out. It is uncomfortable to know your time is ending and you have to hold on no matter what. They will morph into something else as we all do when life forces us to change.  

This too shall pass.  One step forward and one step back. This time has shown us what happens when one person decides to not follow protocol established by the wisdom of past leaders. Doing what is decent and right for everyone. Luckily we have laws even if they are being tested everyday and so far they are holding. Embrace change we will make it. 

  

  

 

Signs - Weirdness - Pause

It is unusual for me to take the time in the middle of a work week to write but it has been a particularly strange week. First it has rained and rained and gloom has set in and slowed everyone down just a bit.  The other thing is that someone at worked passed away suddenly after going the emergency for an allergic reaction. He wasn't a close friend but a kind and generous person who when you met him you knew he was extraordinary.

A funeral at 7 pm on a week night about an hour outside of town. The church was filled with only 5 of us wearing mask. It is a small town and I am guessing people felt too embarrassed to wear mask. It seemed strange a lot of laughing and talking as if it was just a regular Wednesday night prayer meeting just before the preacher came to the microphone. 

In my childhood I sat through thousands of those services. The preachers words felt really hollow to me as many preachers I heard in my youth.  The words about how he was saved and we would all meet again.  How we can have the assurance that there is heaven and we will have mansions. 

No worries everybody this life  is just temporary and in the end we will all be happy together if we are on the right side. I want to believe this I really do what alternative to we have. This is what all the great religions teach us that if we strive to do what is good then we will be rewarded in the afterlife. 

Sometimes I wish I could be the child that lived in the dream that God will take care of everything so we have nothing to worry about. I do believe in something greater than ourselves more like the collective energy force of all our beliefs.  You can throw the plants and animals into that mix too.

Things are weird right now and the pandemic has made us all pause and take a look at our lives. We don't have the usual distractions that keep us unconscious. Mental illness is at all time high because we are all facing things that we have put away along time. We have had to stop running. No sports-no restaurants-classrooms-shopping.  All the things we do to not be present. 

My friend suffered another breakdown and there was no rooms available in town and she had to be sent 2 hours away to get treatment. I know this is all necessary for the evolution of the human race.  It is only in times of great crisis that we breakdown and  want to make changes. 

I feel like for myself I have been watching my daily life from a distance. I did get to see the sun for an hour this afternoon and it raised my spirits a bit. I did want to mention that coming home from the funeral service there was a huge double rainbow. We took this as a sign that someone is watching over us. 

 

Is it Alcoholism? Trapped with addiction

I am not sure why this came up for me today but I thought is might be worth sharing.  I think my husband was and maybe still is an alcoholic.  I remember one of the last trips we took together to meet my sister and her husband for a long weekend. My family doesn't drink and so he tried to respect that the whole weekend. Since I was in denial and just wanted things to go smoothly it never occurred to me that this would be a problem.

We got there on Friday and by Saturday he was like a caged animal pacing about and overall complaining about everything. This was not his normal state especially when he had an audience other than me.  He liked for people to think he was nice and funny and made his best efforts to put on a good face. That weekend none of my instinctual methods to calm him worked.

I have always had the ability to talk people off the ledge something I use to be proud of. I learned early that saying the perfect thing at the right time made people happier.  I think this is why I have attracted people who need to be talked off the ledge. It also makes me good in a crisis.

By Sunday for me the trip had be miserable but we were meeting my sister's friend and her husband for dinner before heading home the next morning. They order drinks and he felt comfortable enough to order "a couple of beers".  I saw it on his face the relief and then the instant change in his personality he became the nice guy again.

I knew nothing about functioning alcoholism at that time. My experience with alcoholism was my uncle who, when he drank, passed out in the middle of the living room. He didn't work unless he was dry I just thought my husband was a social drinker.

After we split and I went to counselor who suggested Al-Anon and I was confused. Then I started looking at my life with new eyes she showed me a graph of the progression of alcoholism and where infidelity was one of the points. Sort of like the bubble graph they are showing for the virus. Other things like tickets even when not DUI's and problems at work.

I even went as far as to test this theory by meeting him at restaurants that didn't serve alcohol. He went nuts and complained that it was ridiculous to not serve some kind of alcohol. He use to have stains on his pants that he could never explain and later I realized that was from holding beers between his legs. I couldn't believe that I hadn't seen this before. I blamed myself for living in denial.

Addiction and alcoholism is really - Cunning Baffling and Powerful.  I believe that we are all a part of the the problem and the solution.  Everyone has their own ways to cope with life when it is unacceptable and the earlier the problems that need coping with start than the stronger the addiction.

We all have our go to things when we are afraid.  For my husband it was the deaf of his mother at 11 and being left with his little brother in a home where his dad drank for three solid years. They  were on their own started smoking pot and drinking too.  The escape worked then and it became his choice of escape as an adult. His dad did get sober later on but really had no idea what those boys went through.

Our escape starts out as a good thing giving us relief but when it takes over our life whether that is food or alcohol it can be destructive. Right now we are all finding out what we use to cope with stressful situation. Someone at work told me her brother gave her 300 dollars to by as much liquor as possible.

I imagine that this is going to be hard on people living with alcoholism.  Like Thanksgiving going on for weeks.  Trapped with addiction.  The affects of addiction on the family is so widespread.  For me it was an enemy that I refused to see.  I thought I could manage on my own and stayed isolated with only the alcoholic for daily feedback.  To him I was the problem and I believed that because our once happy relationship had turned to ruin. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried.

The last time I saw him he was about to get remarried and we met for lunch. As he sat and sucked down "a couple of beers" he told me he gave up counseling because he didn't think he needed it. He told me he would never love anyone as much as he loved me. How nice I thought "let's call your soon to be wife and let her know".  At the time I did still love the person beneath the alcoholism but that person didn't surface too often anymore.

If you love someone that is addicted it is hard to see what it is doing to you. Try to find some time alone to read something positive even if only for five minutes. Put on head phones and go out to YouTube and type in inspirational and just listen. It won't fix the problem but it will distract you for a moment and the more you do it the better you will feel. You can't fix whats happening now just like you can't fix someone else is addiction. You have to find ways to distract the mind that is healthy.

Summer starts right now - Making the best of this moment

I have been busy the weather here doesn't seem to know that we have a pandemic.  I can hear my next door neighbors kids jumping on there newly installed trampoline.  It is nice to hear them laughing and playing a distraction from the grown up world.  The three of them have been home schooled and are use to be all together all the time.  Something I am sure other parents and kids are having a hard time with.

My neighbor on the other side hung off her porch yesterday while I was finishing up cleaning my porch and replacing one of my steps that was rotten.  It just so happened that I found an extra step in my basement that was exactly the right size. A few years ago I have some rotten wood replaced before I had my house painted.  I think they meant to change out this step but missed it.

I like being handy it has served me well all my life. I didn't really tackle serious projects until I was divorced at thirty.  I didn't have any money and I had a house to take care of so I started learning from books how to fix things. That was before YouTube.  I found I really liked doing most of the stuff. The secret to fixing things is really patience and hopefully the right tools. Back then I never had the right tools and this made me crazy.

When I am working on a project I always think of my daddy he could fix anything and he was the most patient man on the planet. When I was little I would hand him tools while he laid under the our car. I remember he loved car manuals and would spend hours locked in the bathroom reading them.  My mother would beat on the door demanding that he come out. I think he loved the process of figuring out how things are done more than actually do them.  I am actually like that too.  Once I solve the problem I lose interest pretty quickly this is why my job is perfect for me.

Being analytical can trip you up when you are dealing with the real world and other people. People are not logical and life is pretty random and can't be explained. I have spent most of my life trying to fix the unfix-able.  First it was the other person and then it was myself.  I finally realized that this is not possible. All I could do is practice acceptance of what is and find ways everyday to be peaceful and happy. 

This seems impossible especially right now when we are dealing with being told to do nothing but stay home. Our minds are built to keep searching for a solution that doesn't exist unless you are a scientist creating a vaccine.

There is no simple answer except to just pretend that you have been given a vacation from your normal routine and anything is possible. Your mind listens to your thoughts and if you think you are suffering than your body will act accordingly.  This is bad for you physically and of course emotionally.  Saying "I hate this" just adds fuel to the fire.

If you were a kid and your mother said "summer starts right now" you would be thrilled beyond reason even if she said you couldn't go outside.  Your mind would be wild with ideas.  You wouldn't think it was punishment to abandon your routine and be free.

If you aren't sick life is good. If you have a home filled with things and people you love life is good. It is hard to just put the fear aside and move on but not impossible.  It starts with limiting the amount of news being consumed everyday.  I watch it once a day and that is all I need.  It was funny yesterday I saw a 15 minute segment that had pictures and clips from stories aired over the last few weeks. No real new news.  I do check the numbers and as testing goes up the more cases are reported.

I can't let my mind lose it'self in fear.  I have to have the discipline to stop the negative banter in my head. Just like the serenity prayer says "accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can"  I can't do anything about the pandemic but I can control the negative thoughts in my mind. 

I watch movies to distract my mind from trying to solve this unsolvable puzzle. Again your mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality so it is better to keep the selection light.
Starz has "The Holiday" which I really love a total fantasy for sure but fun.  Giving my mind a break even for only a couple of hours is healthy right now.

We can't control the future so we have to work with what is right in front of us and make the best of it. Fear paralyzes us in to thinking "it will always be this way" but it won't.  Life will go on and we will adapt to whatever comes our way.

Be safe and know that you have control over your own thoughts and most of us have everything we need in this moment.

Fear - Controlling our mind and finding peace

I wrote an earlier post today mostly for myself but tonight I thought I needed to write about fear.  Life in the last few days has been pretty dramatic for all of us.  I know that when they cancel big sports events that most sports fans must believe that the world is coming to an end.  Have they every really done before? March madness might end up being July madness if we are lucky.

Our ability to adapt is key to remaining calm and realizing that we are okay at this moment.  I thought about whether to go and stock up on food today but the idea of seeing the madness at the store felt too stressful.  I have been fasting or eating mostly salads for a couple years now so I not sure what I would actually buy.  I do have an ample supply of nuts so I will survive. 

We cannot know the future so we have to just focus again on the idea that we are okay at this moment. Since social distancing is my specialty that isn't too fearful.  What is fearful is entertaining myself if we do end up on lock down for weeks.

I am not saying I am not scared because I am.  I spent most of yesterday thinking about how this is going to effect the economy.  I was having flashbacks of recession and my depression and how stuck I felt for years.  How I had no money to even go to the doctor or run my heat or air. I lived on nothing and felt stuck and terrified for long time. All these thoughts made me think "I can't go through that again".

When I woke up this morning I had to tell myself that this is not the same situation and I am not the person I was back then.  The fear I felt was the past and doesn't have anything to do with today. I am a whole person this time and not dealing with grief and menopause.  I have worked hard to become a different person and I will face whatever is coming with as much courage as possible.

This since of dread feels familiar to me. Where I live we prepare for hurricanes pretty regularly and for weeks we feel possible destruction coming our way.  The news talks about it 24 hours and you try to go through your day without thinking we could really be wiped out this time next week. It is stress in advance of disaster. It just hangs over you and you just try to stay busy.

I decided today I am going to make a list of the projects that I have been wanting to do around the house.  Just in case we end up in a quarantine situation. I going to pretend that I have been given some extra time off for spring break. Right now my company hasn't even acknowledged that we might have a problem so I am on the sales floor Monday morning.

I have faith that we will adjust and though we might have to face hard times we can make it. What choice do have?  We do have a choice not to suffer now by letting our mind create all kinds of future disasters.  We can stop the movie in our mind now and establish a strong center to face whatever comes our way.

Finding a way out - Voices

This hasn't been a great week emotionally my friend suffered some sort of mental break and has been hospitalized.  It wasn't as bad as before and actually went to their counselor and agreed to go to a facility. I am going there today for the first time. 

The work week was my long week and it was pounding me every day and again I thought "how long can I do this?" but I do really love it and when you are busy you are efficient and have no choice but to stay in the zone.  By the end of the day Saturday I sat slumped at my desk staring at the screen trying to finish one last file.  I couldn't do it I just saved everything and left.  I went and had a good dinner and came home and crashed.

I feel wobbly today and decided to get dressed and leave the house.  I went to my favorite furniture consignment store but it was only 12 and they opened at 1.  I decided to drive to the used bookstore downtown and look for a bible.  I have had this thought on and off that maybe I should read the Bible as an adult and at least see if there is something new for me there.  I didn't need a Bible because I have a half dozen already but I wanted something besides the King James version.  I have a big credit at the used place so I picked up a couple of versions plus a couple of study guides.

I was raised on the Bible and know more than most about what it says or at least I think I do.  I was listening to Eckhart Tolle who I believed saved me with his teachings by explaining his own mental health issues.  How he separated his inner spiritual self from his stream of thoughts that had him living in fear.  Today the first Bible I opened and the first page I looked at said Eckhart on it  I thought this was a sign.  It was Meister Eckhart  c1260 - 1328 and evidently Eckhart Tolle changed his name to Eckhart after reading is teachings.  The living Eckhart during an interview I saw last night quoted the Bible and I didn't recognize the scripture and I thought I should do some studying. 

I know for a lot of people it is hard to be open minded about religion.  I was indoctrinated from birth and that indoctrination made me strong but the people who were suppose to love me and take care of me abandoned me in the name of Jesus so I rejected the church.  I have investigated a lot of different beliefs and they are really the same at the core.  The oldest religions say the same thing as Christ "do unto to others as you would have them do unto you".  It is kindness, understanding and love that leads us to a better place.

I ended my running around today back at the consignment store.  I saw a 60's orange leatherette chair but I resisted and left it.  I walked next door to the antiques store where I started feeling really sad.  They were playing music from the 70's Baby Boomer music and I thought "I am old" and all this stuff belongs to people who are no longer around".  I was born the last year of the Baby Boomers and I do love that 70's music but I felt tears come to my eyes. After my mother died there was no one to stop us from listening to the devil's music.

I feel lucky that I am not in a hospital but I can understand how people get there.  Sometimes we just can't cope with this life with all it's changes.  When things don't turn out the way you imagined them to then you have to decide where to go from there.  Your mind is always looking for a solution a way to get away from feeling so uncomfortable.  The voice in your head says I can't do this it is too hard and sometimes will take over your mind. 

This happened to me and I am a strong person but too many changes happened at once.  I can't say how I came out of it but it is a miracle. I come from a long line of strong headed hard working people who never give up.  This is the benefit of good genes and my religious upbringing.  I somehow knew there was a way out if I could wait until tomorrow maybe I could figure it out so I waited and little by little I got better.

Today I don't have the negative voice in my head and I don't believe every thought that I have anymore. I do believe in the "Power of Now" and know that if I feel sad and weepy at the store then it is okay and it will pass.

I believe that we have a spiritual core that if we can quiet the mind we find peace.  You can call that the holy spirit or inner spirit it doesn't matter. 

 I am resting and taking care of myself for the next 24 hours.  No work until Tuesday.

Peace - Hope - God

I am feeling a lot of peace right now.  I am trying not to over think it or dread future problems that aren't any of my business right now.  Where I work I have over heard some rumblings of "what if we lose?"  It always feels like us against them I have family and friends on both sides and I know they both have good intentions.

Last Sunday I watched couple of TV preachers and they both had underlying messages in the opposite direction.  You would have to read hard between the lines to get the gist of what they were saying.  In one "Jesus protected the meek" the other "What is right isn't always the way of the world."

These aren't real quotes just my own interpretation. I am on the side of the meek really and I don't think people that are not like me or that I don't understand are something to fear.  The problem is that I have a hard time understanding those that seem like they only care about themselves.  My point being that I am not all inclusive either. I don't include those that think God is only on there side.

I get where the beliefs come from and it does seem that world is becoming a darker place. I know it is hard for us to find something to believe in and have hope. I like the message of hope.  If people are lonely or addicted and feel like they are on there own where can they go? A positive message even from a TV evangelist can spark hope in someone that feels alone.

I don't believe that we were all given the same opportunity to have the life we want.  I had parents that loved me and said to me that "Jesus loved me and would be there for me."  The fact that they told me this showed that they loved me and they wanted me to not be afraid. This was a positive foundation that I built on my whole life even though my own family abandoned me.

I can't imagined what it would be like if I didn't have that foundation. I have been through some tough times emotionally and have moved back and forth in my spiritual beliefs but you can't ever really get past your foundation. If your lucky like me and it was positive then you can build on it.  If you lived where you were a burden and the people that were suppose to love didn't act like it then you are starting with less than nothing.

In this volitile time I think only messages of love are needed.  Once people can stop hating themselves or living in fear of people they don't understand they can listen to their heart (if they have one) and will make changes. The people at work who are scared or scarred both have some people terrible childhood storys where they were taught eat or be eaten.

We are all in pain and are looking for comfort and trying to protect ourselves from change. Believing that our God is all powerful and only on our side calms our fears and helps up to have the courage to get up each morning. It is just human nature to do anything to avoid that fear we have that something bad is going to happen and pointing fingers at people that are different than ourselves. 

Moving On - Control - Starting over

It seems about every ten years I experience a life transformation. Changing careers beginning new relationships  moving away from the familiar towards the unfamiliar. I wish I could say that all those transformations were by choice but being the person I am I really never saw any of them coming.

I spent my first 30 years trying to control every inch of my life and anyone in it.  Living with alcoholism taught me a real lesson that nothing and no one could be controlled not even myself. The next ten years I did the opposite and controlled nothing and took the path of least resistance. For the most part I stopped pushing other people and let life just unfold.

I can't say it worked out any better but it was definitely a lot less work for me.  I really didn't want to be responsible for the choices of others or myself for that matter.  I didn't want to take the blame for anything like I did when I lived with alcoholism. 

With failure of either method I have been stuck for the last ten years. My bout with menopause and depression and getting left behind again made me scared to move. Everything I thought I knew about myself and my life was gone. I didn't know how to move on. I have moved forward but in slow motion and in my mind heading towards nothing. The old me gone and no one to take her place.

With my friends sickness and heading into the next ten years I have decided I want to make choices intentionally.  I want to shape my life and I am finally ready to move on deliberately. Not pushing and not dragging anything or anyone with me.

To match my emotional transformation I have started a transformation of my physical space.  I have a beautiful home and the outside has been painted and yard has be planted. Putting on a good face for the public but inside I haven't invested much time or money. I have especially rejected the kitchen the place where I nourish myself and lately my friend. It is the original 1984 kitchen with butter colored counter tops. A sad state for sure and cooking for the past month has made me see just how sad it is.

I am doing kitchen and floors downstairs. I had the black tile removed from the foyer this week and I am replacing everything with light tile including my bedroom. I have been living on concrete in there since the flood when I moved in ten years ago.  I couldn't decide what flooring and I had an old dog so carpet wasn't an option. I feel like I am seeing everything for the first time.

Since this is my business, design that is, I am not too excited.  My house is already covered with dust from tile removal. But I am ready to invest in me and the future of me.  I am past coping with life and can make decisions from a place of investment in life instead of apathy.

I know the future is always uncertain and no amount of wishing, praying or money will secure a bright and happy one for anyone.  We can just accept that this is it and tomorrow will come and it may be bright and happy who knows. We have today and this time to do what we can to love and be loved starting with ourselves.

I am the best me I have ever been and I am excited about the day and I am ready for the next ten years. Happy New Year.

Feeling safe - depression - suicide - utopia

I can feel the sadness in the air with our incoming president. It is hard to feel good about someone that promises to turn back time. He is the president for that small group of people that enjoyed the world when it was a little more censored.  When you didn't know every bad thing going in the world and you weren't aware of the predators living in your neighborhood and you could just pretend they weren't there and the world is safe.

Now days there is so much information coming in and only the worst is ever reported.  We want to feel safe and if someone says they will make us safe we really want to believe them.  We want someone to just fix what isn't pretty about life and take us back to the days of Andy Griffith and Beaver Cleaver.  News flash they were make believe just like the idea we were or will ever really be safe.

Holding on to the idea that things will ever be the way they use to be stunts our ability to grow and adapt to how it is now. I know personally that change is not usually something you sign up for it is forced on you but you can learn to adapt quicker.

When my life was turned upside down. The breakup - menopause and the recession my mind could not accept it.  I could not accept that what I thought would be my life wasn't going to happen.  With so much uncertainty I had a meltdown mentally spiritually and physically.  I was in shock and thought about taking my own life daily it seemed like a perfectly logical solution with such an uncertain future.

Someone recently told me that during the recession they felt so out of control that they slipped into a depression that was so severe that that regularly kept a gun near them incase they wanted end it.  They said they laid next to their spouse at night an cried non-stop and hadn't told anyone except me about this time in their life. I can't imagine not telling anyone. I told you guys and regularly joked with the people that could stand to be around me that they might find me in the garage with a hose in the window. 

Just like the conversation with my friend it wasn't that I was sad it was that I felt nothing and without out feelings I didn't really see the point of going on. People say it is a selfish act but when your mind has had a break and there is no feelings it seems like a logical choice.  You are just there taking up space and since I am alone I felt no one would really be affected by my disappearance. I know these thoughts sound crazy and they were crazy but when you have no feelings there seem to be no point in living. 

I believe my higher self or holy spirit whatever you want to call it helped me make it through the each day.  I remember telling myself I can check out tomorrow if I want.  There is always tomorrow.

For me the life ahead of me was so uncertain that my mind could not process the changes quickly enough and I snapped. We have to teach people that feeling uncertain and scared is normal there is no utopia outside ourselves.  There is no magic pill or president that will save us the pills will only keep us from thinking too much about our fears dulling our minds.

When you are at the bottom it can be too late to pull yourself out without help of some kind. I was alone most of the time and my sickness liked it that way. It wanted me isolated so it could feed me a steady stream of crap that kept right where I was for longer than I should have been. I never questioned my thoughts until one day a voice said "you are doing this to yourself" and started asking myself "is that true?" and from that point on I got better.   

I guess my point to all this is that I understand fear of the future with all its unknowns.  I understand wanted to feel safe and crawl back into a life you once imagined you had. I would have done anything to not have had to suffer and change when I was facing it but you can't go back. Going forward is the point of life moving on besides the past was never quite as rosy I my mind would have me believe it was I can see that now. 

My friend said they fear everyday it will come back.  I never even considered that. I believe it was a spiritual correction for me.  It was a perfect storm to shake me to my foundation and make me question every thought I have ever had.  It erased who I was, one thought at a time, and left nothing but a foundation.  I have started rebuilding but it is a slow process but I have nothing but time. There is always tomorrow.  

Family connections - Managing the behavior of others

I am in a good place just enjoying the weekend how I imagine most people do.  I had an interesting conversation with my sister yesterday.  She has called me regularly over the years and I have made efforts to visit her and her family regularly.  Yesterday there was some real honesty about what she has lived with all these years. She even talked about visiting me here. 

Our conversations have been mostly one sided her telling me problems she is having at work or sometimes with the kids. She is usually driving someplace and just fitting me in where it is convenient for her and I am sure feeling like she is maintaining her outreach program.  These days it usually takes two or three calls for us to catch up with each other.  Mostly because she calls at 7am or after midnight.

She hasn't been here to see me since my divorce when I was thirty.  My efforts to see her and her family was my desperate need to belong somewhere. My last big effort was for my nieces college graduation when I had taken a week off work to drive nine hours to show my support.  I was called the night before and told by my sister not to come.  It was really going to be only family.

This was devastating for me at the time because I was still lost and searching for a way out of my depression.  I thought it was caused by not having a support system and in my mind I thought I should try once again to connect to my own family instead of trying to find a substitute family.

When I was rejected I thought okay enough I am going to have to be whole alone. Depend only on myself to find my way out of the blackness. It really felt good to not want that connection and to be free to just let that idea go for good this time.  My happiness does not depend on another or in this case does not depend on my family loving me or wanting me.

The truth about that particular rejection was centered around addiction. This is what my sister has lived with since she married her husband. First his parents with prescription medications and more recently his sister who's life has been destroyed by her own addiction.  In the end when I was uninvited it was because if I came then the addicted sister had to be invited too. 

My niece confided in me later that it wasn't the aunt's behavior that she worried about it was the way her own father acted when the aunt was around.  She said he is totally crazy trying to control her and worrying about her.  He ruins every family event because something isn't going the way he thinks it should. 

The addiction always gets center stage because we give it to it.  My niece said she would never have a big wedding because the stress of dealing with the family would be too much. My brother-in-law has been the real problem in the family and this is why my sister has been very selective about what she has told me over the years.

She has lived a life of doing whatever needs to be done to keep from setting him off. When has managed around him and is angry outburst. Even the kids have tried to help their mother manage around him. He has worn her out and they all feel she needs to be rescued my nephew told me he felt he couldn't have his own life because his mother needed him to be a father to his little brother and a protector to his mother. 

I told him his mother would be really sad to think he felt he couldn't have his own life because she needed protection and his brother needed a father. 

The kids have moved on the last of them moving out a month ago. My sister told me yesterday that he has run everyone off and that she has her own plans for freedom. I think now that she has raised the kids she wants to find some happiness and peace. 

Their lives have been forever changed mostly by one person and this person was not the addicted. The kids have learned things about relationships that are totally unhealthy.  They have learned that you have to manage people to keep the peace mostly in a passive aggressive way. When all else fails you can flee but ultimately this leaves a big whole that needs to be healed.

I am sorry my sister has lived with this situation we both have had a hard times in our lives.  It is too bad that we couldn't help each or even confide in each other.  We  have been alone and left to our own abilities to find our way out. Realizing that it isn't the addiction that destroys us it is our reaction to it and our fear of making the wrong that keeps us from finding freedom. 

I have left my expectations for being a real part of my family behind.  If it does work out that would be nice but if it doesn't I will be okay too. I have found the peace I have been searching for so long. I have finally let go of thinking anyone or even life for that matter owes me anything.

We are all doing our best and we must all find our own to peace.  

Let there be light - Moving forward

I was talking to a friend yesterday about our Thanksgiving menu and she mentioned that she saw my ex at a restaurant a few months ago. I am not sure why she picked this moment to give me the news just a few days before the anniversary of our break up.  The day before Thanksgiving.

This is a tired story and this will be the second year that I feel that I am truly over it.  This didn't keep me from spinning my wheels for a half hour of so or having a dream this morning about being back there in that house. What I can remember about the dream is that I had gone to the doctor and he ask me to look into a clear bowl and tell me what I saw.  I said it looked like a piece of coral flooding in water. Evidently that was the wrong answer and indicated that I had some kind of brain disease.

I was happy when I woke up without a diagnoses this morning. I was also grateful to have a home improvement project to work on today. Yesterday after a trip to Lowes for a light bulb for my microwave I came back with under cabinet lights for my whole kitchen.

I feel like my life has been in limbo for a long time. This includes what to do with my sad dreary kitchen. I kept thinking that at some point I would feel inspired to gut the whole thing and design a dream kitchen like the one I had before.  The person that wanted that then doesn't exist anymore.  

I think I have been waiting for that person to show up again and take charge. It has been a long wait and I am starting to accept that she isn't coming for me. I left most of the girl I was behind and I am here with mostly a blank slate. I have noticed lately that parts of her have been popping up here there.

Like today after installing the lights I couldn't believe how excited I was getting about redoing my kitchen. After adding lights to one side of the kitchen couldn't believe the transformation. I was so excited I was coming up with one idea after another for what I wanted to do next.

I do love design and have always improved the places I have lived no matter how little money I had. Truthfully when the budget is small creativity really is all you have.  Investing time in your home and making it reflect who you are can transform your life. Having a beautiful space can make coming home at night something to look forward to.

Tonight with the extra light in the kitchen I actually enjoyed making dinner for myself.  I have decided not to gut the kitchen for now and just address the things that will make it more inviting. The lights went a long way in doing that this weekend I am planning to paint.

Being inspired today gave me hope that I am on a path to the new me which includes some of the old me as well. I wanted to believe that I could be inspired again but it has been so long I was beginning to wonder.  Today I am grateful for the new light in my life.

Step Two - Hope

spiritvoyage.com

Step Two - Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step Two seems easy enough on the surface but it can really trip you up to relinquish the idea that you have all the answers. When I got to the program I was pretty delusional. Even though inside I was really insecure I still acted like I had everything under control.

If I admit that maybe I needed help that would let other people see that I was a fraud. I was human and besides I had trust issues. My situation at the time was pretty bleak no husband, no money, no friends and no family. I was all I had and if I admitted I needed help where would that leave me.

The co-dependent isolated relationship I had with my husband had left me alone by choice. He was all I wanted or needed. He filled every moment of my life with drama some really great highs and really bad lows. It was a full time job and I became lost in it. I was addicted to the drama and got my self-worth from being the hero of his life and ultimate the victim of my own life.

That sounds harsh but it is so true. My entire life, up until I came to Al-Anon, was the life of a victim. I had been rejected by my family and have repeated this rejection in just about every relationship and job I have had since. I am more comfortable being in the victim role. I would rather be hurt than hurt someone else. This is my choice so I can't really blame anyone else for choosing their own happiness over mine. It is probably healthier.

I think I have strayed from Step Two at this point but this is all part of the fabric of what the program has taught me. I have been a victim of other peoples choices many time since I started the program but the difference is that I am no longer comfortable playing the victim. It no longer feels good to blame someone else for my own unhappiness.

When my last relationship ended with infidelity it completely devastated me and I am just starting to feel good again. Even when I tried I couldn't muster the venom I had when my husband left me and believe me I wanted to.

I always knew in my heart it wasn't about me. Even if in the darkest of times, when I believed it was, it really wasn't. My spirit knew I wasn't happy and told me with a number of illnesses and 30 extra pounds. I chose to ignore those things because I couldn't face what it really meant. If I had known it would take me five years to feel good again I definitely wouldn't have been as willing as I was to leave.

During my recent growth spurt or time in the meat grinder I went back to my roots and trusted that something greater than my mortal self could restore me to sanity. I have come to believe that my spirit was made in the image of God and my spirit ultimate knows the what is best for me. If I keep my mind from getting involved I always end up where I am happiest.

I am for the first time consciously following my spirit and my mind is protesting every minute.  My spirit has been running the show all along but in a passive aggressive way. This time I am trying to get out of my own way and listen with my heart and not my head. I believe that this is the only way to sanity for me.

It is scary but the more I trust the easier it gets. Giving up the idea that I am in this alone helps me to remain peaceful some of the time.

Paying Attention - Movies and more

I am having some serious problems with this blog. Nothing seems to be working. Maybe it is a sign but one I am will to ignore for today. The spell check isn't working either and it won't let me cut and paste so this could be interesting.

I have be in a slump the past few days. I can't really put my finger on it. It seems I am hitting obstacles with most of my customers. Can't get the final commitment it makes me nervous. It is all part of the business of sales and the emotional process of a big purchase.

With the business side of my life kind of leveling out I have had the energy to look at some of the last skeletons in my closet.

A week ago the Melissa Etheridge song "Letting Go" started playing in my head. I saw her on a late night show night before last. Then yesterday one of the self help blogs sent me a link to a movie with the titled "Letting Go" I am seeing this as the universe trying to tell me something.

The movie Letting Go was really a self help guru selling his method cure for life. It is a technique I am familiar with. Practicing not resisting emotions and letting them surface without judgement. I find that if I stop what I am doing I actually notice I am holding my breath.

The scary part about letting go for me is it doesn't leave much behind. Living in the moment is like floating around with nothing tethering you to anything. If your mind has nothing to focus on it tries to bring up the past. That is all it has is the past. Mistakes are especially interesting to squirrel about because there is no solution to past mistakes. How ironic that we use up so much energy repeating the same sad episode in our head over and over.

My mind gets particularly agitated when I actually do let go and uses another tactic the future it says " YOU should be worried, what if you don't get that job or any job ever again, what if you don't ever meet someone again and you die alone and nobody finds you for weeks." This of course is another

When I am balanced spiritually I can see how crazy these messages are and don't let them take me down. Other times when I am thinking of the past and the mistakes I feel I have made that brought me here I listen carefully to every negative word in my head.

I don't understand why sometimes I am so vulnerable to the voices. The truth this time is that I am looking at the mistakes I have made without the veil of grief and depression. I am older and wiser after my walk through the desert and I can see clearly my shortcomings.

I can see how in my last relationship I was lost in my head a lot. Just like I am now. I feel bad that I wasn't paying attention to the grand canyon that had come between us that last few years.

I went to see the movie Hope Spring Eternal it might have triggered some of my guilt about being in my own world. I don't blame myself totally there is two people in a relationship I am just saying the amount of time I spent in my head didn't help.

Life happens and you do your best even if you find out later it wasn't that great. All you can do is move forward and start over with more information.

I am glad I was able to write today and find the source of this emotional bump in the road.

Does it matter if I am ready?

I get the feeling everything is changing around me. Am I ready? Does it matter it is coming either way.

I get this feeling I am preparing for the next level in my life. The break through and breakdown over work made me see how easily I get stuck in my own thinking. My mind or ego goes beserk when I can control what is happening around me.

I went to my first real party last night in four years. I say real because there were strangers and mingling. The woman hosting the party lived on the same street I did in my previous life. Her relationship ended after thirteen years and she has a new apartment and a new life to rebuild. She has just started to put her life back together. Seeing her made me grateful to be further along in getting my life back together.

I remember the first months in my new house having my friends over every weekend filling every minute of my life so I could put off the inevitible wave of grief heading my way. It didn't work I had to go through not around.

Luckily not everyone has to takes as long as I do to get over things. She told me I thought it was forever. I said so did I. She said she was a relationship person and I said some am I. She said I hope to have another relationship one day and I said so do I.

That was two people at the same place in their lives summing up the whole heart break and hope of the situation in as few words as possible. We understood each other so clearly in that moment. Surrounded by loud happy couples but alone at the same time.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I know I am going to make it now even if I don't have someone to share my life with. It feels good to stand on my own again. I am not afraid anymore and that is the greatest Christmas present I can get.

Will I be missed? Fat chance

photo by scottyyoung.com

I have a lot going on in my head these days, so what else is new? The difference is that before when I was down and out I couldn't really feel the emotions. I was in a state of denial and so the emotions were never dealt with in a healthy way.

I was sad and in a lot of pain but it was swirling around constantly I couldn't face what it was really about. I was dumped, after 13 years I was left for someone else blah, blah, blah .... Hey I am not saying it wasn't a big deal it rocked my world. It has taken me four years to come back to the surface.

This week I had a couple of epiphanies. First I took an personality test. I can't help myself I love that kind of stuff more insight. Anyway, my highest score was self-sacrificing, no big surprise really, but what it did say was that that is how I get my fulfillment in life. Anticipating the needs of others is second nature. I give but it is extremely difficult for me to receive.

Two things that stood out to me was that this type of person can be easily overlooked because they are stealth in actions. They do it because it is their nature and enjoy pleasing others. When they are gone they leave a surprising large hole behind. The other thing is that in their personal life they can attract users people that need to be taken care of, not a big surprise. It isn't personal just a good fit.

As a sat on my friends couch, the other night, looking at the street light outside I started to recall the moment of the break-up. What I felt at that moment and tears started flowing, in a good way. I could handle the truth and pain of what happen to me without censoring myself or trying to be brave. It felt like I was in a trance looking at that light and seeing every detail of that moment while the pain drained out of me.

When I love I love big. I put everything into making it work and it is my nature to take care of things and people. The sadness I realized just this week is that it feels like with all that I put into that relationship it didn't matter, I didn't matter.

The sadness is from thinking that I am not missed. That only I suffered from the loss. My own feelings of self-worth is really where this comes from. I don't matter to me.

The truth is I do make a big difference where ever I go. Whenever I put my heart into something, things change for the better. Sometimes in a big way. I was always taught to be humble and God would reward me in the end. Never toot your own horn. Pride goeth before the fall. But it is healthy to know your own self-worth and not depend on outside sources for confirmation. God given talents, right?

The truth is every body makes a difference. Do I think so little of myself that I can't imagine anyone missing me from their lives. I think I just want someone to say so. Fat chance.

I just want some fantasy call that says hey I am sorry I didn't realize just how much you were worth to me. That is not going to happen. I wouldn't be willing to do that either. Pride again. Even now for me to admit there is anything about that relationship I miss, is too much for me.

So will I be missed? I have to know in my heart that the answer is yes. That is what is important for my survival. I bring a lot to the table I commit heart and soul to everything I do. I can't wait for validation that will never come.

I feel so free these days getting the last bits of grief out of my system. I am closer to the person I was at eight before my mother got sick. I can see all of life's possibilities and everything is an adventure. I am going to be ok. I am going to make it.

It has a been a long journey back to my real self and I can't wait to see what is next.

I was off yesterday and couldn't get out of a funk. I went to my tried and true methods for shaking off the despair I was feeling. I read uplifting literature, I watched my favorite recorded shows and ended with a three movie marathon.

All were excellent distractions but the minute they were over the feelings reappeared. I finally decided maybe journaling would help bring the real answer to the top. I find that writing past the first page I can get to the real issue.

It seems to come back to the same thing for me, how did I end up here? Did I make bad choices in my life? Was I not enough for the people I loved. Apparently I wasn't or we would still be together. Truthfully no one is enough to meet all of another person's needs. The trick is that both people have to know that. Instead of looking for greener pastures. In long relationships you either grow together or apart.

I still feel the funk today and opted to come into the office before a late appointment today. I can't expect to feel happy every day. I can be grateful that I don't feel the way I did a few months ago.

With work at top speed I think trying to relax on my days off is hard. Going 0 to 100and back to 0 isn't that easy. I have faith that I will not be alone forever. I am just now coming out of a long period of grief and depression and starting to get strong again. I know timing is everything.

The Message - Alway being present

I got home late last night and turned on the TV just as Oprah said "I am so happy you made a decision to step out of the pain of the past and live in present with all it's possibilities".

This keeps popping up everywhere for me. She was interviewing a boy who 13 years ago had parents that chained him up in the closet for extended periods of time. This had been going on for years. He was six when his older sister ran away and told the police. A case worker went to the house and saw no evidence that anything was wrong.

The police officer that heard the sister's story felt there was too many details for the story not be true. He required the parents to come an pick the daughter up and while they were there talked to the boy. He covered for his dad until the officer sad you dad wants you to tell me everything and he did.

He is an adult now and seemed to be Ok despite the years of abuse. Another woman on the show saw that story 13 years ago as a child and had the courage to tell someone her step father was abusing her. She said his story saved her life.

The message for me was that it is possible to overcome anything. He will be changed forever but he has decided to not let the pain of his past control his life now.