Friday, February 16, 2018

Chunks of time - Living now - Uncertainty

I called my nephew last night to see how he was doing.  They are about to have their first baby and we are within days of the projected due date.  I wanted to see how they were doing emotionally they both have a lot of responsibilities plus they haven't been married but a few years and are still sorting out their places.

I fear that he is like his father living in his own universe not realizing that other people are experiencing things different than he his.  He has a lot of charisma and can talk anyone into anything and smooth over any situation.  I think he works hard at being what is expected and in the long run he will have to find out who he really is and what he wants. He wife is strong willed and will definitely challenge him along the way. When we are young we make everything so complicated trying to live up to the picture we have of ourselves or what we think other people expect of us.  These are just ideas in our own mind and not actually what other people are thinking most of the time.

During my call I stressed to him the importance of this moment with his wife the last time they will be top priority in their lives. Just to enjoy each day instead of wishing for tomorrow and for the arrival of a child that will change their relationship forever. It will be a happy change but change nevertheless.

My point is to not to live in the future.  The future in our mind is always better and happier than we imagine today is going to be.  I have always worked towards a goal or at the least worked to get past today's problem.  I would say "if only this would happen then things will settle down."  I missed big chunks of my life getting over what was happening today.

When you are in a crisis mentally or spiritually you can be lost in your thinking and really miss some important stuff going on.  I have pretty much always done this all my life thinking  that I would find that place of joy and peace around the next corner. The critic in me analyzing every situation looking to improve what is into something better.  If only this was happening instead of this or if they were different then things would be nicer.

I learned to tolerate life instead of living it.  A lot of the time I did see the abundance I had so much materially that I didn't feel that I dared ask for more even if I felt lonely and isolated. Compared to living with an alcoholic my last relationship was a never ending vacation.  I felt guilty wanting more emotionally and just kept my mouth shut. This is why it lasted as long as it did.

I don't believe in mistakes or regret because what is the point?  We learn from every experience and build from that hoping to make better choices next time and I did. I had a lot to overcome in my life emotionally with the death of my mother and having to raise myself.  I didn't know what I taught myself was wrong expecting that I could find something or someone out there that would make me feel permanently safe. After her death that is all I longed for was how I felt as a child before she died. Safe.

We can't changed the uncertainty of life.  We can imagine that we are safe in our relationships or our physical situation but that can change in a moment forever.  In this life in this day it is our responsibility to look around and see what is happening now and who it there now with us. To enjoy the gift of today.

Overall I have had a good life.  I have endured some pretty scary emotional things but I did come out stronger on the other side and I know that I can't worry or predict the next unhappy situation.  I can just trust that I will do what I need to do to make it through to the other side.  What I can do is appreciate the day and what I have right here in front of me.  All is well in this moment.

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