Shutting out the noise - Choose Peace

I could write about state of the our nation but I will leave that to others let's face it we have address our own lives and decide whether to let these things control us by filling us with fear.  I don't believe in the good old days every decade has sucked for someone somewhere. Life is full of scary things.

We have to just decide how to move on with the world that is presented to us today. Every intelligent awake person could see this coming a mile away.  I told someone that if he loses it will take tanks to get him out of the White House. He lives only in his mind and has no connection to reality. Surrounding himself with only people that agree with him. The "emperor's new clothes"comes to mind. 

Okay just a little politics.  I have been easing back into work and enjoying the little quiet time I have left and doing a lot of writing. Like I have said before I am writing my life story because it helps me to know where I am emotionally and what areas are still buried. 

In this process I have been doing a little fact checking and realized that my mental timeline has been off. Things actually took months not years. I believe that everyone has their version of the truth. When we have been hurt deeply we make up the story of that hurt and we carry it with us for as long as it serves us. We repeat the story to ourselves and depending on how creative we are we smooth over the details and maybe embellish them.

The worst thing we do is let the story we tell ourselves create a permanent scar on us emotionally. We then have to walk around as wounded adults that need to be fixed. For me I have carried the burden of my own story all my life and I have the embellished facts of my story to back me up. My story was the idea that I was not lovable.

Writing it all down even though very emotional and painful at times. Painful enough that I had to stop and take a break also lets me place these memories outside myself. It is more like a character in a novel and not really me anymore. It puts distance between the part of me that gets stuck in the past. 

Holding on to what hurt us keeps it alive while those that hurt us live on without a thought about what they did. Most of the people I have loved never really saw me and weren't capable of shared love. They couldn't show love or emotion except maybe anger. This is how I grew up and this kind love felt so familiar to me and I have picked it again and again. I know how to be invisible and I know how to be autonomous. In the past decade I have learned to love and take care of myself. I am no longer waiting for others to value me to value myself.. This has felt like freedom.  

When I write about my life I sometimes feel it is totally narcissistic but I get a sense of healing. I chance to see just how far I have come. I guess it takes a lifetime.

I know the world is an overwhelming place right now but we can only live minute to minute. We can  choose peace by finding a quiet place even if that sitting in car somewhere to just soak in the silence.Turn of the the news and our phones for 15 minutes and just soak up the silence.  Of course I recommend writing without censoring what is being written. The mind is always trying to heal itself. 

 

Embrace Uncertainty - Controlling the Uncontrollable - Clean Slate

I created a chalk board out an old frame I found at a junk shop it is really big.  I wanted a place I could write quotes to remind me to be happy and to keep moving. It was nice to see the big blank space and it reminded me of a meditation I use to listen to that the speaker would say put your problems on the blackboard and use a sponge to wipe them away.  I really liked that visual and the clean slate it left behind even if it was only for a few minutes.

I have left the new blackboard empty for a few days not wanting to disturb the clean slate but yesterday I decided to write something.  "Embrace Uncertainty" - I think this is from Eckhart Tolle's book the New Earth.  I remember when I was in such turmoil about my whole life whether to leave my business and worried about what was going to happen to me.  I felt paralyzed by fear all the time.

When I found that phrase it summed up everything for me.  I wanted things to be certain.  I wanted to know exactly what the future looked like and that I would be safe.  We don't get this ever.  We may have times when we imagine that things will always be exactly as they are but life doesn't work that way. 

I built my life around trying to make everything the same every day so I would be less fearful.  All that did was make me and my life boring and predictable. I felt like I was in a prison.  I thought that a routine would give me peace so when the storms came I would be ready. But what I ended up doing was making me less flexible and always bracing myself every day for the impending storm.

Life throws all kinds of things at you all the time good and bad.  If we can just go with the flow and not focus on wanting to control the uncontrollable then we can move through most anything. It might not have been what we planned but we can find peace in the day we have been given.

This is the time of year for reflection and to look at what is or isn't working for us.  It is hard to give up things or situations that no longer represent who we are today.  It can feel awkward and unsettling at first becoming a new you and this is why resolutions mostly don't work.  We like the familiar and fighting this need for certainty keeps us stuck in places we don't want to be for too long.

Embrace the awkwardness being in that middle place where you haven't quite let go of the old and haven't quite become the new you. It won't feel strange forever and you know it is worth it in the end.

Chunks of time - Living now - Uncertainty

I called my nephew last night to see how he was doing.  They are about to have their first baby and we are within days of the projected due date.  I wanted to see how they were doing emotionally they both have a lot of responsibilities plus they haven't been married but a few years and are still sorting out their places.

I fear that he is like his father living in his own universe not realizing that other people are experiencing things different than he his.  He has a lot of charisma and can talk anyone into anything and smooth over any situation.  I think he works hard at being what is expected and in the long run he will have to find out who he really is and what he wants. He wife is strong willed and will definitely challenge him along the way. When we are young we make everything so complicated trying to live up to the picture we have of ourselves or what we think other people expect of us.  These are just ideas in our own mind and not actually what other people are thinking most of the time.

During my call I stressed to him the importance of this moment with his wife the last time they will be top priority in their lives. Just to enjoy each day instead of wishing for tomorrow and for the arrival of a child that will change their relationship forever. It will be a happy change but change nevertheless.

My point is to not to live in the future.  The future in our mind is always better and happier than we imagine today is going to be.  I have always worked towards a goal or at the least worked to get past today's problem.  I would say "if only this would happen then things will settle down."  I missed big chunks of my life getting over what was happening today.

When you are in a crisis mentally or spiritually you can be lost in your thinking and really miss some important stuff going on.  I have pretty much always done this all my life thinking  that I would find that place of joy and peace around the next corner. The critic in me analyzing every situation looking to improve what is into something better.  If only this was happening instead of this or if they were different then things would be nicer.

I learned to tolerate life instead of living it.  A lot of the time I did see the abundance I had so much materially that I didn't feel that I dared ask for more even if I felt lonely and isolated. Compared to living with an alcoholic my last relationship was a never ending vacation.  I felt guilty wanting more emotionally and just kept my mouth shut. This is why it lasted as long as it did.

I don't believe in mistakes or regret because what is the point?  We learn from every experience and build from that hoping to make better choices next time and I did. I had a lot to overcome in my life emotionally with the death of my mother and having to raise myself.  I didn't know what I taught myself was wrong expecting that I could find something or someone out there that would make me feel permanently safe. After her death that is all I longed for was how I felt as a child before she died. Safe.

We can't changed the uncertainty of life.  We can imagine that we are safe in our relationships or our physical situation but that can change in a moment forever.  In this life in this day it is our responsibility to look around and see what is happening now and who it there now with us. To enjoy the gift of today.

Overall I have had a good life.  I have endured some pretty scary emotional things but I did come out stronger on the other side and I know that I can't worry or predict the next unhappy situation.  I can just trust that I will do what I need to do to make it through to the other side.  What I can do is appreciate the day and what I have right here in front of me.  All is well in this moment.

Death - 10,000 Miles

I watched the movie Fly Away this week and when the song played during the final scene I started bawling. It was a total surprise to me and I wondered what that was all about. The song is by Mary Chapin Carpenter and was really her first big hit.

The song is called 10,000 miles and is basically about someone leaving and promising to return. There was some much sadness in this song. I thought about the pain of losing what you didn't know you could lose. The song states even though I am 10,000 miles away I will return again some day. I say the last part is just wishful thinking.

I did get some sad news at the beginning of the week that has made me focus on loss.  The founder of our Art League passed suddenly from something I assume was medical since there were no details. He was young with a family and will leave a huge void personally and within the art community.

I am on vacation this week working on my house. It has been neglected since I moved here. I have evidently practicing being instead of doing. I am full up on being and plunging head first into doing. This week I cleaned the garage, power washed the porch and painted my deck three times.

While painting the last three days I had a lot of time to think about death and loss. It is something we will all get a chance to experience. With my own faith I don't fear death it can't be any worse than being left behind. The person going on at least gets all the answers but being left behind you are stuck with only questions and grief.

With any significant loss you are taken from a place of thinking you know what tomorrow looks like to total uncertainty. Of course the uncertainty was there all the time the loss puts it center stage. You can either embrace the clarity of the moment or you run like I did.

I just couldn't accept there was no safe place to go. I couldn't accept there was nothing I could do to prevent things from changing. I couldn't be better, I couldn't watch closer for signs of trouble I couldn't even pick a better person to spend my life with.

It is just the way life is and we have to learn to live with it. I have lived in fear of doing something wrong all my life and now I think what a waste of time. I worked hard to do everything right assuming that I would find happiness and safety.

Nothing from the past is hurting me now because I know now it wasn't my fault. Did I play my part? Absolutely, but so what it is just the way life is we do our best with what we have to work with. I can no longer grieve for what might have happened if I had done something different. I have wasted so much time thinking about what I have lost instead of seeing that it doesn't matter. Only what is happening today matters and bracing myself for the future sadness ruins the reality of today.

My mind has been stuck in the loop of the question of why.  My mind loves these unsolvable problems and once it takes hold it takes a miracle to break this loop of problem solving.

A healing has taken place in me that can see this so clearly now. I have been lost in my mind and now I can accept that there is no way to prepare I can just live and deal with what happens next when it gets here. I am free.

Change - Uncertainty versus Freedom

I ended my six day work week on a high note. We were extremely busy and yesterday I never sat down for the six hours we were open. This helps relieve me of some of the uncertainty I have with my and the idea that might run out of business.

This idea stems from the recession when I had my own business and the customers were few and far between. I had to make something out of every person that came into the showroom. That isn't the case where I am now we have a steady flow of customers. I haven't relaxed into this fact yet.

I had a glimpse of the past yesterday when a woman I knew from the mortgage business came in and I helped her make some final decisions about tile for her kitchen. I identified myself and she acknowledged who I was but she wasn't too friendly. She never was so I didn't take it personally she was in accounting and the numbers people aren't known for their outgoing personalities. She is working with another designer so I won't see her again.

She is still there at my old company which has changed its name a few times. Later I was thinking I could still be there 14 years later.  It has been that long since I lost my job and made the decision to pursue a more creative profession.

At the time I was devastated and angry. This didn't keep me from taking action I sold my house and moved in with my ex and went back to school. It never occurred to me that I could fail. This is what that relationship gave me that I never experienced with my alcoholic husband. We were emotionally and financially on the same page and I felt secure enough to not go back to the mortgage industry.

I am a analytical person and usually look at every situation with a critical eye looking for what would have worked better or what I could have done differently. I never look at what I have done right. Seeing her made me think that I could still be there doing the same thing another 14 years. It wasn't my decision to leave but I could have found another job and spent the recession in a cubical.

I do love my work it is something I was born to do even if I have to live with more obvious uncertainty every day than most corporate jobs. I say obvious because there is no search thing as certainty in life ever just sometimes one situation appears to be more certain than another.

I like feeling safe but I like being free too and these two things don't actually go together when it comes to my profession. I don't often feel like I can just be free to take off mentally. I usually do best on Sundays when most people aren't expecting anything from me.

Today I feel grateful I had a very productive week and ended the week with a glimpse of how my own ability to be fearless gave me a career that is perfect for me. I can also thank my ex for making me feel like I could trust someone to have my back when I needed to make a change.

I go straight to crazy and work my way back from there.

I had a long day yesterday obsessing about the work situation and feeling like my life is on hold. I decided to just go with it this time instead of trying all my usual tricks to get out of it.

I have learned that there is no bad feelings just feelings that make you feel bad. They only feel really bad when I resist them by saying to myself that I shouldn't be feeling this way or that I am wasting my life.

That is what it is like to be awake without the barrier of denial to protect me from all my feelings. Sometimes I long for the days when I was unconscious running from task to task filling up every moment so I didn't have to feel anything.

This doesn't work me anymore. My journey has taken me to a deeper place where I am seeing what it is like to just lean into those feelings. Being OK with being human and vulnerable.

I stayed in bed most of the day and it didn't kill me. I am scared and alone and no matter how many people I talk to about it they can't make me feel any better and it tires me out to talk about it over and over.

It is normal to be scared and afraid when uncertainty is looming over your head. I have been told that I handle uncertainty pretty well but every once in awhile I have a total freak out.

I am over it today and decided to go to work and wait for the verdict. It is almost
6 PM and we haven't heard a thing.

I have gone straight to crazy and have worked my way back from there at this point. I can't stay in the fear place too long and I must gather my belonging and leave Crazyville and get on with my life.

Uncertainty - Act as if

I am in the office today and feeling not exactly motivated by what is on my desk. It is dark and rainy looking outside. I am happy that it is in the 60's today after reading a post about waiting for the water to thaw to take a bath.

I am alone in the showroom today and there is some kind of fumes in here. We have another cabinet business in the back but no one is there. It could be the paint and body shop next door who knows. I am the canary in the mine around here. Sometimes when I arrive last I get an instant headache, everybody says they don't smell a thing. I think they have all been in the business to long. The fumes collect in my office because it is the last office. I have opened the doors to get some ventilation.

I wasn't sure if I had anything to really write about today but I thought I would give it a whirl. I read the first page of my computer journal November 28, 2008 and it inspired some gratitude. I realized that some things have changed a lot and others things are still the same.

It was the dreaded day after Thanksgiving and I didn't want to be at home alone so I came into the office. The owner was about to have surgery for colon cancer and the other designer was about to have her first baby. I was holding down the fort. Looking back, in my state of mind, that was pretty hilarious. I was worried about the business staying afloat with only one crazy designer at the wheel for about four months. It just goes to show that anything is possible.

What this makes me realize is that what is going on on the inside, other people can't really see, even though I was crazy and a loon 24/7 I managed to work and keep the business going. Things are not as they appear is what I am getting at and just because I feel crazy doesn't mean I appear crazy to other people.

Act as if, isn't this what they say in the program? I always felt that this was kind of emotional dishonesty. I had spent so many years in denial I didn't want to pretend any more that everything was just super. Thinking about it now, for me it just means going about your business, not pointing out my own shortcomings so they are up for discussion.

Keeping my fears private and finding a more compassionate audience is being mature. I am extremely critical of myself and it is hard to not just lay it all out there. Start down the list, in my experience this can give some people the opportunity to turn my on insecurities back on me. Luckily I have weeded most of those people out of my life and I have to admit, before the program, I did that to others. Especially with the people I was suppose to love. It was part of my tools for survival. I have other tools now.

I am happy to report the owner has recovered from cancer and heart surgery. My partners baby turned two last weekend and the business is still open. I am still crazy on the inside but this time crazy in a good way. I am not telling all my secrets and writing about this today has made me see that I worry too much. On my best days my faith is strong and on my worst days the uncertainty in more than I can handle. Today I am somewhere in the middle.

Step Two

Step Two- Came to believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.

With the present spiritual correction of our country there is more uncertainty than ever. Things are getting better and people are starting to come out from under their rocks and moving about. I am in sales and the uncertainty of this time is always close at hand for me and my partners.

Yesterday I was off and got a call from someone I work with who was in a panic over the future of our business. I was already physically tired and joined in on the fear and spent the afternoon thinking about what should be done. I finally was able to reach someone in the program and they were able to get me back on track and realize I had no power over what others were doing and that it was my decision to buy into the fear. She was right.

I had an afternoon appointment with the person that was the center of the issue and I was able to look at the situation from a spiritual place and not try to do anything about it. It will work out with or without me doing anything.

In this case a power greater than myself was my friend. Working the program doesn’t mean you are always happy but it does mean you don’t spend as much time being unhappy as you use to and that is progress.

Serenity

Serenity is ultimately the place I find when I am not distracted from the reality of life. It is in spite of what is happening and being in the present moment. Do I have everything I need right now? I have found when I start looking to the future with all its uncertainty that I can imagine all the perils lurking around every corner. I have to consciously decide not to go there to the dark side. If I stay in the moment it keeps the focus on the now. One of the readings in Courage to Change says that it is just as likely that something good will happen as something bad. If I can remember that simple phrase I can keep the fear a bay.

Today’s picture was taken at my favorite hiking trail. I like this photo because there is no sign of human existence except of course I am taking the picture. The beauty here fills my heart with hope and I feel closest to all things spiritual there.

Change

Home alone today. I gave myself the day off today. This isn't an easy decision for me. Being alone with my thoughts can work against me but I am feeling stronger today. After last weeks dip it has taken me this long to have to courage to write. I haven't shared my blog with anyone I know yet. This is my own insecurity that I might not measure up so I have stayed anonymous. There is nothing that my friends from the program do not know about me. But somehow this seem different. Feeling safe to share my inner most thoughts and feeling with people I trust is part of my recovery. After being shut down emotionally for so many years having the courage to put myself out there is still an on going challenge. When I go to meetings and hear other people being so honest about where they are in their recovery it makes me realize that I am not alone. There is comfort in knowing that we are all on the same journey and looking for acceptance and comfort along the way.

Last night during a meeting someone said that they realized that however they were feeling wouldn't last forever. Good or bad this too shall pass. My life has radically changed over the past two years and I have had to face a lot of uncertainty and the fear that goes along with that. These feelings have overwhelmed sometimes to a point that I felt paralyzed with depression. In the past few months I have felt like I have just awakened from a coma. I am still trying to figure what happened in my absence and accepting that this is my new life. I wouldn't go back if I could but a clean slate can be daunting. Hearing that this too shall pass gave me the comfort I needed to face another day. Life is always changing and we never stay in the same place for long.