I have been very busy. Has there ever been a time I haven't said that here I guess in truth I like busy. After the years of depression and recession both mentally and financially I have found a freedom that I really thought was not possible. I feel actually excited about the future instead of indifferent.
What has changed? My analytical mind really wants to spend a lot of time pondering that question. Really a lot has happened. It has been 10 years. Don't let that number scare you it is really only 3650 consecutive day give or take a few dozen that may or may not have meaning. Even though none of the days individually really seemed so significant together they accomplished a transformation.
What I have believed my entire adolescent and adult life is that there was something about me that made me unlovable. This has been the core of my belief. I have been loved by many actually but in the end I was left for someone else. Someone better I assumed. I am a take charge practical person so I thought "I will make myself a better person" and I went on a lifetime journey of improvement.
Where did I get this idea ? After my mother died and left me at eleven I was left to parent myself. I know you guys are probably sick of hearing this but for anyone that loses their mother early they are really messed up. My dad was left us emotionally and was engaged to two different women and married with in 6 months. "Run Daddy run!"
Lets just say that I was on my own to sort out a lot of things. In my child's mind I was a bad kid with ADD. I was not medicated and my mother whipped me a lot to try to correct this problem. They offered my parents medication to solve the problem but the idea of that was rejected. It might hurt me in some way. Really? When she got sick everything shifted to saving her and the pressure was off. Subtract two and a half years from ll and you have a person that is eight and a half running the show.
Where did I get advice on how life was suppose to be and how to make good decisions. I got advice from the person I trusted the most "me". I was available 24/7 and was always willing to listen to all sides of the story and work it all out. In my teens I relied on Linda Goodmans Sun Signs. In my house this represented the devil and my stepmother found my copy under my mattress and I was put on restriction for a month.
I needed some kind of positive feedback from somewhere. My stepmother is (still alive) a very critical person and she has cut many people, that she is suppose to love, to the bone. It was worse for me because I was not one of the people she loved. I felt she hated me me. Now I think she didn't give me much thought at all she isn't that deep. My sister says she has changed but I couldn't detect that the last time I saw her. Sitting next to her at the baby shower I wanted to "Hey. Did you know your selfishness and lack of maturity really changed the course of my life?" I left home at 16 the best decision of my life - Still.
So what my point of regurgitating this crap again? My point is that because I had to raise myself it has taken me a long time to see that the way the people that are suppose to love you treat you isn't at all about you. Yes us Virgos can be critical (mostly of ourselves) but we bring a lot to the table. We take care of things. We make things run smoothly and taste good. When we decide something or someone is worthy of our focus we are all in and ask for nothing in return. We don't don't do it for the accolades we do it because we love you and know we can make any situation better.
In our selflessness we appear invisible which is fine with us. We are under appreciated by even ourselves and no one sees our value until we are gone. The last part is what I hope anyway.
I been have invested in a lot things and people in my life and have felt really undervalued. I have been left by ever person that I have loved and that I thought loved me. In my mind I am still that ADD girl that made her mother sick because I couldn't act right. I have always been a problem and not worth a long term investment. This is what the eight year thinks.
I know it isn't true and I argue with her about this when I am sad and lonely. Our relationship has change over the years and recently I have convinced her that we need to invest in our own happiness for a change and stop thinking we caused the rejection.
Overall we have done a good job parenting ourselves. We have made mistakes and we have been slow to learn sometimes but we have come out on top. We have loved and have made a difference in the lives we have touched even if we don't exactly how. This isn't our business. We have done best even if sometimes it wasn't good enough.
I want to thank all those folks writing horoscopes out there. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you something good about yourself. Today I look for God's message everywhere I go and from anyone that crosses my path. I always say " it is the message not the messenger." Take what you like and leave the rest.
There is healing available no matter what your eight year old might say to you. You are worth the investment and never give up.
No comments:
Post a Comment