My friend has be sleeping here at night and it hasn't been too stressful for either of us. I sense that her spirit isn't grounded at this point. It feels like she is floating about trying to find her way very child like we talk about her day and that is it. I can tell she is isolated mentally in her own world.
I am practicing all my Al-Anon at this point and I am really not interested in saving someone. Isn't that the first thing we learn that what they are doing isn't any of our business. I always thought that I was a loving and giving person when I monitored and became obsessed with what my husband was doing. It was my job right? I lost myself and my life and became the gate keeper and eventually the martyr that was trampled on in the end.
Friday night I got a call "I am on my way" hours later showing up. This took me back to my husband and him calling from the bar and saying "I am on my way" and showing up hours later. I felt like I was back there for a few minutes the world revolving around one person. They aren't really thinking about you it isn't personal until they get home and you unleash your resentments on them.
When you are obsessed you have protect yourself from yourself. I know for me back then I was terrified that I was losing everything that was important to me and it was true. It was slipping away and I couldn't stop it. I thought I had the power to stop it so I just kept trying and and failing. It was my belief that I could stop it that kept me sad and miserable. It made him feel that he had to be constantly on the defense and I became the enemy. He drank to cope with the unhappiness he felt about himself and his life. This is what we do run away with drink, food, electronics and even managing other people.
What we choose starts early when we are kids. This becomes our go to for solving the scary feelings we have about ourselves or our situation. It feels like if we don't run and the feelings catch up with us that we will die. The truth will be so unbearable that it will consume us and it might but for only a moment.
In my mind I didn't want to start over. I had lost everything that I thought would be a part of my life forever. I blamed myself that it was something I had done or worse who I was that made this happen to me. I didn't know how to be different I had spent my life working to be the best person I could be and it wasn't enough. I felt there was no place to go so I check out. I numbed and went through the motions of life without actually participating.
Mental health is like addiction for the family. Just like addiction the person has found a way to exist within the addiction or illness until something sends them over the edge. I think our minds are strong and are always looking for away to cope with the reality in our heads. Our self talk can be enemy number one and for a lot of us it is strong and smart and makes logical sense but there isn't anyone in there to make us question those thoughts.
I remember when I had my breakthrough I was sitting on my porch think I didn't want to live one more day feeling nothing. My mind spoke to me and said "you are doing this to yourself" and I starting thinking "is this true - could I be doing this to myself? " The answer was yes. I was blaming myself for my circumstances and I believed that there was something at the core of me that was not lovable. This explained why I am always left behind by the people l love.
It wasn't a miracle healing and it took a long time to disprove all those thoughts and beliefs but from that day forward I got better. You have to question your thoughts especially if they are hurting you or making you sad or ruining your life. "I am unlovable" this is what I have always believed because every time I was left it proved to my logical mind that this statement was true.
I had to give myself the ultimate gift. I had to let those feelings roll over me and accept those thoughts and face them. I had to accept that what if I am unlovable and couldn't do anything about it. Once I started to embrace my worse fears it took the pressure off. I stopped running and just sat with the ugliness.
I still had the power to control one thing I could still choose to love myself. If I can find a way to love myself then it is proof I am lovable. Could I give myself the unconditional love that I so desperately wanted from other people. It wasn't easy but little by little I did that.
I know I have been loved deeply but maybe I wanted something from those people that they couldn't give me. They couldn't make me love myself and I kept looking for proof from them that I was lovable and couldn't find it. They for looking for the same and it didn't feel like enough for either of us.
We all deal with our own demons. It doesn't matter if they were passed down from our ancestors or created by a childhood that wasn't our fault we are just trying to get through each day. We do our best even if sometimes it isn't good enough for other people it is all we have. Getting lost in our minds is easy to do when we are sick or sometimes when we are not just a voice agreeing with us.
Always question your thoughts. Make friends with that other person in your head sometimes they help you to see what you are too scared to look at and can save your life. When you are lost for some people it is hard to come back and we need help from the professionals. If your life isn't working find someone that will listen and will tell you the truth.
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