This hasn't been a great week emotionally my friend suffered some sort of mental break and has been hospitalized. It wasn't as bad as before and actually went to their counselor and agreed to go to a facility. I am going there today for the first time.
The work week was my long week and it was pounding me every day and again I thought "how long can I do this?" but I do really love it and when you are busy you are efficient and have no choice but to stay in the zone. By the end of the day Saturday I sat slumped at my desk staring at the screen trying to finish one last file. I couldn't do it I just saved everything and left. I went and had a good dinner and came home and crashed.
I feel wobbly today and decided to get dressed and leave the house. I went to my favorite furniture consignment store but it was only 12 and they opened at 1. I decided to drive to the used bookstore downtown and look for a bible. I have had this thought on and off that maybe I should read the Bible as an adult and at least see if there is something new for me there. I didn't need a Bible because I have a half dozen already but I wanted something besides the King James version. I have a big credit at the used place so I picked up a couple of versions plus a couple of study guides.
I was raised on the Bible and know more than most about what it says or at least I think I do. I was listening to Eckhart Tolle who I believed saved me with his teachings by explaining his own mental health issues. How he separated his inner spiritual self from his stream of thoughts that had him living in fear. Today the first Bible I opened and the first page I looked at said Eckhart on it I thought this was a sign. It was Meister Eckhart c1260 - 1328 and evidently Eckhart Tolle changed his name to Eckhart after reading is teachings. The living Eckhart during an interview I saw last night quoted the Bible and I didn't recognize the scripture and I thought I should do some studying.
I know for a lot of people it is hard to be open minded about religion. I was indoctrinated from birth and that indoctrination made me strong but the people who were suppose to love me and take care of me abandoned me in the name of Jesus so I rejected the church. I have investigated a lot of different beliefs and they are really the same at the core. The oldest religions say the same thing as Christ "do unto to others as you would have them do unto you". It is kindness, understanding and love that leads us to a better place.
I ended my running around today back at the consignment store. I saw a 60's orange leatherette chair but I resisted and left it. I walked next door to the antiques store where I started feeling really sad. They were playing music from the 70's Baby Boomer music and I thought "I am old" and all this stuff belongs to people who are no longer around". I was born the last year of the Baby Boomers and I do love that 70's music but I felt tears come to my eyes. After my mother died there was no one to stop us from listening to the devil's music.
I feel lucky that I am not in a hospital but I can understand how people get there. Sometimes we just can't cope with this life with all it's changes. When things don't turn out the way you imagined them to then you have to decide where to go from there. Your mind is always looking for a solution a way to get away from feeling so uncomfortable. The voice in your head says I can't do this it is too hard and sometimes will take over your mind.
This happened to me and I am a strong person but too many changes happened at once. I can't say how I came out of it but it is a miracle. I come from a long line of strong headed hard working people who never give up. This is the benefit of good genes and my religious upbringing. I somehow knew there was a way out if I could wait until tomorrow maybe I could figure it out so I waited and little by little I got better.
Today I don't have the negative voice in my head and I don't believe every thought that I have anymore. I do believe in the "Power of Now" and know that if I feel sad and weepy at the store then it is okay and it will pass.
I believe that we have a spiritual core that if we can quiet the mind we find peace. You can call that the holy spirit or inner spirit it doesn't matter.
I am resting and taking care of myself for the next 24 hours. No work until Tuesday.
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