Summer starts right now - Making the best of this moment

I have been busy the weather here doesn't seem to know that we have a pandemic.  I can hear my next door neighbors kids jumping on there newly installed trampoline.  It is nice to hear them laughing and playing a distraction from the grown up world.  The three of them have been home schooled and are use to be all together all the time.  Something I am sure other parents and kids are having a hard time with.

My neighbor on the other side hung off her porch yesterday while I was finishing up cleaning my porch and replacing one of my steps that was rotten.  It just so happened that I found an extra step in my basement that was exactly the right size. A few years ago I have some rotten wood replaced before I had my house painted.  I think they meant to change out this step but missed it.

I like being handy it has served me well all my life. I didn't really tackle serious projects until I was divorced at thirty.  I didn't have any money and I had a house to take care of so I started learning from books how to fix things. That was before YouTube.  I found I really liked doing most of the stuff. The secret to fixing things is really patience and hopefully the right tools. Back then I never had the right tools and this made me crazy.

When I am working on a project I always think of my daddy he could fix anything and he was the most patient man on the planet. When I was little I would hand him tools while he laid under the our car. I remember he loved car manuals and would spend hours locked in the bathroom reading them.  My mother would beat on the door demanding that he come out. I think he loved the process of figuring out how things are done more than actually do them.  I am actually like that too.  Once I solve the problem I lose interest pretty quickly this is why my job is perfect for me.

Being analytical can trip you up when you are dealing with the real world and other people. People are not logical and life is pretty random and can't be explained. I have spent most of my life trying to fix the unfix-able.  First it was the other person and then it was myself.  I finally realized that this is not possible. All I could do is practice acceptance of what is and find ways everyday to be peaceful and happy. 

This seems impossible especially right now when we are dealing with being told to do nothing but stay home. Our minds are built to keep searching for a solution that doesn't exist unless you are a scientist creating a vaccine.

There is no simple answer except to just pretend that you have been given a vacation from your normal routine and anything is possible. Your mind listens to your thoughts and if you think you are suffering than your body will act accordingly.  This is bad for you physically and of course emotionally.  Saying "I hate this" just adds fuel to the fire.

If you were a kid and your mother said "summer starts right now" you would be thrilled beyond reason even if she said you couldn't go outside.  Your mind would be wild with ideas.  You wouldn't think it was punishment to abandon your routine and be free.

If you aren't sick life is good. If you have a home filled with things and people you love life is good. It is hard to just put the fear aside and move on but not impossible.  It starts with limiting the amount of news being consumed everyday.  I watch it once a day and that is all I need.  It was funny yesterday I saw a 15 minute segment that had pictures and clips from stories aired over the last few weeks. No real new news.  I do check the numbers and as testing goes up the more cases are reported.

I can't let my mind lose it'self in fear.  I have to have the discipline to stop the negative banter in my head. Just like the serenity prayer says "accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can"  I can't do anything about the pandemic but I can control the negative thoughts in my mind. 

I watch movies to distract my mind from trying to solve this unsolvable puzzle. Again your mind doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality so it is better to keep the selection light.
Starz has "The Holiday" which I really love a total fantasy for sure but fun.  Giving my mind a break even for only a couple of hours is healthy right now.

We can't control the future so we have to work with what is right in front of us and make the best of it. Fear paralyzes us in to thinking "it will always be this way" but it won't.  Life will go on and we will adapt to whatever comes our way.

Be safe and know that you have control over your own thoughts and most of us have everything we need in this moment.

I don't deserve to belong - Thoughts that hurt me

It is amazing just what a teacher life continues to be for me.  I am getting ready to take a trip visiting friends and family.  I have been hesitant to visit my sisters after my last visit resulted in a slump that lasted a few weeks even to the point people commented on my change in mood.  Yesterday I was debating whether to go or not.

I am not sure they really want me there and I feel that I am just another person to manage.  I have spent so much of my time off there and have been disappointed with how I felt when returned home.  Should I subject myself to another one of these visits?  With this thought I got really sad yesterday.  I was thinking they really don't want me there. Then I thought "just another place I don't fit in."  Where do I belong a life long quest that has taken up so much of my life that I have let me opportunities for connection to slip by.

What I realized yesterday it isn't the idea "I don't belong" that makes me sad it is that I don't think I deserve to belong.  I have spent my life trying to find a way out of my own pain and everyone has gone on without me.  Why should they want to include me in their lives I haven't been there for them.

I got to stop right there.  This is just another self absorbed thought that can siphon away my time and energy.  This is just the kind of ideas that hold me back from just living and being content with life the way it is now. 

Everybody is just trying to find there way through life.  I have been blessed with the ability to get past myself sometimes and see clearly just how my thoughts are hurting me. My ego would like to believe that everything is about me but the truth is no one is thinking that much about me. They are too busy getting through there own problem.

I my paralyzing fear of feeling I don't deserve to be wanted. I decided to stop and meditate. This is when I could see the truth and turned it over to a power greater than myself.  I said "you have to work this out - I am out of it."

I got in my car and drove to an art store twenty minutes away.  In that time my sister called and I told her of my plan to visit weekend after next. Everyone was in the car coming back from my nephews birthday brunch.  They were really happy that I was coming but my niece was staying with her boss's kids for the weekend and thought that this coming weekend would be better if I wanted to see her. 

I had already made plans to stop at my aunts and then my friends ending at my sisters. Just in case I decided not to go at all.  I said I would see what I could do.  When I reached the store I sat there in my car and with in minutes my friend called.  I told her about my sister's request she said "no problem we were just going to hang out anyway."   My aunt calls while we are still talking and I take the call.  She says she has been sick I tell her about the change and she says "great". All in about 30 minutes.

As a sometimes self absorbed neurotic I do take responsibility to for everything.  My analytical mind can only see my own part in anything that doesn't go my way.  Yes I haven't always been there for my sister and her family but she was living in a severely dysfunctional situation and didn't really want me to know what was going on.

We have suffered all these years alone with our problems and not feeling we wanted to let each other in on our secrets.  She is 4  years older and wanted to appear to have it all together. This is how we have survived without our mother. Just suck it up and move on. This doesn't work long term.

So I got over myself and thought so what if I haven't done everything right I have done my best.  It is my own self blame that hurts me and drags back to the past.  I am good person and have done my best even if some times it wasn't good enough. 

I am happy to have this blog to gather my thoughts.  It saved my life when I started it so long ago but now it just keeps me honest about my feelings.