Thinking - 9 months

So I have been thinking a lot these past few weeks about my life and where I am going and what I am going to do with the rest of it.  It is a luxury I know.  I am single with no one to support but myself and I have regained the confidence to do just that over the past 9 months.  Yes I can't believe it either it has been 9 months since I started my new job.

The job is going well not spectacular in the money department but well in that I can do it well enough to support myself.  This week I have had some extreme ups and downs.  At the beginning of the week I saw two kitchens where the owners were ecstatic over the results of their kitchen makeovers. Once said it was more than they could possibly imagined.  How nice for me and them.

Today I feel restless maybe because I am starting to get my job under control and the fog of being new is lifting. Today I opted to work at home but that ended up with me avoiding working at all cost. I have worked a lot these past 9 months and think that maybe I am just worn out and need some time off.

Of course time off in a full commission based job is a risk.  It means that for however many days you take off you will have a vacancy in the money flow some where down the line.  Which is a little scary for us sales people this is why we never take off.

I feel really guilty when I have a day like today. So guilty that I don't actually enjoy doing nothing and I am afraid to even look at my phone for fear of seeing an unknown phone number that could be some customer looking for me.

Will I ever be satisfied to be human. I think my faults are exclusive to me that no one else ever just gets tired of their life as it is and checks out for a few days.  I feel guilty because I know for the most part I have enjoyed the jobs I have had and the career choices I have made. I like what I do most of the time but occasionally I would like to just get away from me for a few days or maybe a week.

Leave me behind the one striving to be more or sometimes the me striving to be less. A place I could commune with others and share mundane chores and laugh. This is what I am missing in my life a since of a safe place to let my hair down and feel free. Any one know a place like that?

At the end of 9 months there is usually a birth of some sort so I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Confrontation - Manipulation

After dinner last night my friends and I were discussion our alcoholic relationships that got us into the program. All the stories were similar from the standpoint of the slow erosion of our own self-worth to the eventual total domination.

One person said that she thought she had lost her mind because her husband told her regularly that she never said that. Finally she started writing things down and reading them to him just to prove to herself that she wasn't crazy. Only an Al-Anon would do that.

I know now this a two way street that you give away your power as much as it is taken but when you live with alcoholism or a sociopath even the most self-confident person can be manipulated. When something is said with such conviction you tend to question yourself and what you remember. My ex would regular tell me, "don't be ridiculous" when things didn't add up and I became suspicious of his drinking an cheating.

It is tricky because in a new relationship you are so in love and eager to please so you give in and then it becomes expected. My experience is with sick relationships that you become isolated with only one person for feedback and everything is distorted. The program helped me to become more whole and less dependant on validation from other people. Every one's opinion has equal weight and we can agree to disagree. Not thinking if I don't agree with you you wont like me. This might be true but now I am willing to take that chance.

Today I had a confrontation with a man that came in with his wife. She and his mother came in yesterday to look at counter tops and she said she would bring him back in today. He was very abrupt and said he wanted the cheapest possible because they were not going to live much longer.

When I gave him the price he said he wasn't going to pay for it until it was installed and he was happy with the product. I said we required a deposit and once I paid for the slab and it was cut for his kitchen it could not be used for anything else. He said he was good for his word and I said we have been here for 35 years and are also good for out word.

I felt bad for his wife I could see she was embarrassed by him and said she would call me later or not. He was angry at the world and she seemed use to managing him I did that with my ex and it is exhausting. Today I am comfortable in my own skin and can remain calm even when faced when facing a bully.

We need the business but sometimes it is better to not take on someone you know will be a problem. Life is too short. He was going to show me that he was in charge. I felt sorry for him living with so much anger.

It did shake me up for a couple of hours. I handled myself well even though my heart was pounding.

Thinking Small

I spent the morning judging builders here in the area that submitted remodeling projects to the builders association for recognition. The number is limited because it cost to submit and so only the bigger names actually are represented.

I was assigned a partner and we drove around and looked at some incredible spaces. It was hard to judge some of the smaller projects against the ones with unlimited budgets. One project, the house was taken to the ground and rebuilt the other was a cottage that the owners grandparents owned and had been empty for six years before the remodel. It was also gutted but the basic structure was the same.

My partner for the day was a interior designer and obviously passionate about what he did, we discussed the difficulty in finding people willing to pay for design services. He said he charges for every minute of his time and his belief in himself keeps him in business. He said even if he has to pass up on a potential customer he won't do a free consultation.

I was thinking about how easily I under value myself and especially what I do. I have a degree and I have spent a lot of time and energy keeping up with the current design trends within the industry. I have passion for what I do and I give my all with every project.

I was with a customer the other day and I said not to worry that I wouldn't let her make a bad decision and she said well you think highly of yourself. I said I support myself making design decisions and she wouldn't want to pay someone that isn't sure of their choices.

I was conditioned to think it is bad manners to be proud of your own skills or as my mother would say "don't toot your own horn". What is wrong with having confidence in your own skills. A lawyer wouldn't say oh I am not really that great, modesty wouldn't be an asset, so why should I down play my abilities.

So I am going to stop thinking small, it doesn't help me to not be confident or not appreciate my own abilities. If you are relying on the advice of someone don't you want them to have confidence, I do.

The Second time around-Playing Games

I have been playing an on line game I discovered months back for the second time. I had to start over because I am setting up an new computer and my scores were not saved. I remember when I found the game how hard it was to understand what they wanted you to do and my state of mind was not great and everything seemed overwhelming and complicated. I did figure it out the first time but I didn't really understand how to play and it took what it seemed like forever. This time it was more familiar and I had more information.

I feel like the Al-Anon program is the same way. In the beginning it seems like we are feeling our way through the dark. Everybody else is getting it and we are making progress but slow. Once we have made it through the steps the first time the next time is easier. We can decide to look at them from a different perspective and have confidence that we have been there before and feel less intimidated.

When I looked at the game again at first I thought they must have changed the game, it was so easy, but then I recognized one of the games. The game had not changed, I had.