Resting between creative ideas

Living alone and being single definitely has its advantages. I didn't expect to end up alone for this many years and now that my life returned to normal I have a lot of time on my hands. I have to admit that I get bored and that this thought "I'm bored" really stresses me out and makes me feel guilty.

I came from a family where you had to be productive. If you weren't accomplishing something then you were lazy. You should be at the very least be reading a book preferably the Bible. This isn't a bad way to raise kids and has given my sister and I a great advantage in the business world with a work ethic that is hard to beat.

This weekend I felt so guilty just wanting to lay around and do nothing. It is my right as an adult to do what I want when I want. Right? Sometimes I just don't want to do anything but my mind says this isn't normal and maybe I am depressed. That brings on another slew of thoughts that lead to no where you would want to go.

I thought about this fear of the word bored and decided to redefine boredom as "resting between creative ideas" This actually makes me feel better about my down times.

I really do need these times of doing nothing and being with no one and not accomplishing a thing. It makes the rest of my life more energized and actually more productive. It is stillness. It is rest.

When I got to the office yesterday morning it was like a slow awakening. I was able to look at my work with fresh eyes because I literally had fresh eyes from all that extra sleep.

So I will never be ______  again I will just be resting between creative ideas.

Taking a moment

I decided to take things a little easier this week sleeping a little later working closer to 40 hours. It felt a little bit like a vacation and I am planning to continue that theme since I am off this weekend. 

This week has been cold for the deep south.  My heat is running continuously. This is a luxury that I couldn't afford in years past and for that I am grateful. I didn't run it no matter how cold it got I would just huddle in my room under the covers with a space heater. 

Since it has turned cold I have been extremely achy at night, I finally realized the heater in my water bed had died. I know how retro is that a water bed but I love it. It is a soft side so you can't tell and is very relaxing. It stayed cool during those hot flash years and it is usually keeps me warm and toasty in the winter. 

I ordered a new heater and it was delivered a few days ago. When I was retrieving the package from the porch a bird flew into the house. I couldn't get it out. It was late and cold and I left the door open with the porch light as long as I could hoping he would go back out. It was in the 30s that night and I gave up figuring he was thinking that indoors was the better choice.

The first day he was here he flew around and was hanging out in some gourds I have on a high shelf but yesterday I couldn't find him. I know what your thinking but I am staying in denial I have lots of experience with that. I am saying that he escaped somehow. I do have a hole at the ceiling where the fan is connected. I hope he got away he could still be in the gourd. So sad.

I thought maybe the bird was a visiting relative or maybe a sign from my mother. I know it is crazy but I like thinking that life is more than what we see. Taking the world a face value is so boring why can't there be more why do we have to explain everything put limits on the possibilities? This is the problem with a active creative mind life as it is is never enough. 

I always want there to be more. I look around and everyone seems pretty satisfied with the way things are and there I am thinking is this all there is? I think sometimes it is a lack a maturity on my part the child in me feels that I should be exempt from the mundane. 

I use to fill my time with task. You could give me a to list and keep me occupied for days even weeks even years. It seems that now, because I living less in my head, I don't enjoy the busy work. Before doing chores gave me time to think. My mind was always obsessed about something or someone the latest crisis and chores could mask this obsessing and I could feel productive and nobody knew about my obsessing.

Today it is not enough. My mind is quiet and wants enrichment not just to something to kill time. I am going to spend some time this weekend thinking about how to make my life fuller. More thinking involved how ironic.  

 

Tug of War - With myself

I am little burnt out right now. I know this because I keep letting things slip through the cracks that I shouldn't. I am not my usual creative self and for some reason can't force myself to keep working.

It is good to be busy but I haven't been able to restore myself. I was thinking that going to my sister's house would give me an excuse to forget about work but since I didn't go that didn't happen.

Yesterday I had a tug of war with my inner child who refused to go into work. The adult in me refused to find something fun to do. At an impasse I sat paralyzed. I kept thinking if I catch up on my work I can get some relief from the stress I am feel right now. In my heart I knew this was not going to happen when the kid in me digs in no work that will be done.

So I sat there for a couple of hours refusing to work and refusing to have fun. I finally broke the stalemate between me and me and went to the movies.

I got in my car and just drove straight to the movies without any idea what was showing. Arriving a 1PM I had three choices Twilight, Hugo 3D and Anonymous. I opted for Hugo I figured it would be a little less stimulating than the others.

It is not really a kids movie. It was visually very interesting and the characters were likable for sure. It was a little slow and very quiet I couldn't imagine kids sitting through the whole thing. Even one couple in our theater just started having a conversation. I didn't care the kid in me was just happy I wasn't working.

It is probably progress to see that I really need a break right now. In the past it was easy to get lost in my work. It was all that I knew and didn't have much experience with joy or fun. I am working to find some balance now.

The truth is what I do most of the time doesn't feel like work. I still need a break though to get my creative edge back but the timing isn't good for that now. I will do my best and God will have to do the rest.

Picture from: nakedpastor.com