Signs - Weirdness - Pause

It is unusual for me to take the time in the middle of a work week to write but it has been a particularly strange week. First it has rained and rained and gloom has set in and slowed everyone down just a bit.  The other thing is that someone at worked passed away suddenly after going the emergency for an allergic reaction. He wasn't a close friend but a kind and generous person who when you met him you knew he was extraordinary.

A funeral at 7 pm on a week night about an hour outside of town. The church was filled with only 5 of us wearing mask. It is a small town and I am guessing people felt too embarrassed to wear mask. It seemed strange a lot of laughing and talking as if it was just a regular Wednesday night prayer meeting just before the preacher came to the microphone. 

In my childhood I sat through thousands of those services. The preachers words felt really hollow to me as many preachers I heard in my youth.  The words about how he was saved and we would all meet again.  How we can have the assurance that there is heaven and we will have mansions. 

No worries everybody this life  is just temporary and in the end we will all be happy together if we are on the right side. I want to believe this I really do what alternative to we have. This is what all the great religions teach us that if we strive to do what is good then we will be rewarded in the afterlife. 

Sometimes I wish I could be the child that lived in the dream that God will take care of everything so we have nothing to worry about. I do believe in something greater than ourselves more like the collective energy force of all our beliefs.  You can throw the plants and animals into that mix too.

Things are weird right now and the pandemic has made us all pause and take a look at our lives. We don't have the usual distractions that keep us unconscious. Mental illness is at all time high because we are all facing things that we have put away along time. We have had to stop running. No sports-no restaurants-classrooms-shopping.  All the things we do to not be present. 

My friend suffered another breakdown and there was no rooms available in town and she had to be sent 2 hours away to get treatment. I know this is all necessary for the evolution of the human race.  It is only in times of great crisis that we breakdown and  want to make changes. 

I feel like for myself I have been watching my daily life from a distance. I did get to see the sun for an hour this afternoon and it raised my spirits a bit. I did want to mention that coming home from the funeral service there was a huge double rainbow. We took this as a sign that someone is watching over us. 

 

Black clouds and parades

I wrote a post yesterday that made my already bad mood even worse so at the end of it I decided not to post it. It all started last week when I got the news that someone I am close to at work is leaving. It wasn't a surprise they have been dragging a black cloud along with them for months now. Directing all their life problems toward their job and the business.

I have watched this for awhile and tried my best to share what I have learned about looking outside of myself for blame. I know I can't really change anyone and only when they are ready if ever they will see who is really causing them pain.  It is a loss for me personally and professionally but who knows I might be happier not having someone rain on my parade every day.

That was the beginning of the week and by yesterday after six working days in a row I was tired. This always comes as a surprise to me that I need a recharge day. I always have so much hope for my days off and all the things I can accomplish only when they arrive I am uninterested in doing anything.  I look around the house and see all that needs to be accomplish but I do nothing.

This makes me feel bad about my lack of interest in my personal life. I think back to a time when my life was so busy and I had so many friends that I was flying high. Of course that led to my ultimate crash and a long road of recovery. I was busy because I was afraid that if I stopped scheduling every minute that all the emotions I buried would come to the top.

I was right to be afraid because as you know I checked out. I am starting over now and I don't know exactly where I fit in anymore and this scares me. Only about once a week when I am alone and uninspired and and I realize the number of people I can reach out to has dwindled to almost nothing. Whose fault is this I ask myself . This leads to blame and reviewing all the bad decisions I have made that led me to today where I don't want to be.

Luckily yesterday I decided to get dressed and get out. I called someone and they were available for dinner and a visit. My head is not always a good place to go especially when I am tired and feeling lonely. We had a nice visit and she said what I needed to hear that I need to get out an meet people more like me.

I am not sure how to go about doing that especially with my hours but I have to do something. I am going to take a Zumba class offered locally by the school system. That will be interesting.  I did decide I need to do something that is more physical than mental. Mindless fun that is what I am looking for right now.

I hasn't helped my mood that it has be raining here non-stop even as I write this it is pouring and I can hear cracks of thunder. Everything is mushy, wet and moldy. Yuck.

I woke up today feeling better and dreaming about getting my life in order. I did a few drawings of my own kitchen makeover. I wrote list of what I want to do and how much it will cost. I also drew some sketches of some place else I would like to live. An urban structure small easy to maintain with an adjacent studio space and store front. This is an on going dream of mine.

So today I am dreaming a scheming which tells me I have bounced back from where I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be back to work and no time to think at all.

Rain - Memories - Dafodil

It is raining cats and dogs here and the temperature has dropped 30 degrees from yesterday. I woke up with the song below from my childhood playing in my head.

I sang this sound in the third grade in front of the entire school during a school play.  It was the one and only time I have ever sang in front of an audience. Since then I secretly have always wanted to be a singer who knows maybe in the next life.

The play was about the holidays and the seasons. I can remember sitting in Mrs. Wilds class room and everyone had been ask to sing something. I totally loved Mrs.Wild she looked liked Cher and she wore the grooviest clothes you could image.  I wanted to be her when I grew up.

I was shocked when I got picked and then shocked turned into terrified but I made through. I got the feeling that the play director and some of the other teachers weren't so happy with her choice. Maybe because I was so terrified. There were other stronger singers but she knew I could use the boost and she was right.

It was my moment in the spotlight and I often remember standing on the stage in my white go go boots, white stockings and cullotte skirt.  It was a proud moment for me and my family. My mother was already sick by then but we it was moments like these that made us seem normal even if only for a moment.


Though April showers 
May come your way, 
They bring the flowers 
That bloom in May; 
And if it's raining, 
Have no regrets; 
Because, it isn't raining rain, you know, 
It's raining violets. 
And when you see clouds 
Upon the hill, 
You soon will see crowds 
Of daffodils; 
So keep on looking for the bluebird, 
And listening for his song, 
Whenever April showers come along. 

Though April showers 
May come your way, 
They bring the flowers 
That bloom in May; 
And if it's raining, 
Have no regrets; 
Because, it isn't raining rain, you know, 
It's raining violets. 
And when you see clouds 
Upon the hill, 
You soon will see crowds 
Of daffodils; 
So keep on looking for the bluebird, 
And listening for his song, 
Whenever April showers come along 


source: http://www.lyricsondemand.com/a/aljolsonlyrics/aprilshowerslyrics.html