No one to blame - Not even me - Work versus play - flow

There has been a slight lull in the action on the work front so I am taking the opportunity to reflect on the overall state of my life.  I spent a few hours of my work day this week purging the millions of files that represent both real customers and those just wanting the numbers. I use to take this personally especially if I have a connection with someone I really want to do the job. 

I have reached the five year mark at my place of business and have matured considerably since I have been there.  I have to say the I don't get too attached to people or the prospect of a particular job.  I realize that people have there own agenda and are working through the process themselves.  What they dream of having and what they are willing to pay for that dream.

I believe that I get the jobs I am suppose to get.  I look at life through spiritual eyes and know that it is all working towards something.  Okay that sounds good but it isn't really true.  I really believe that life is random and you just have to stay in the flow of things with the least resistance possible.

When I am pushing or wanting a particular outcome and it just isn't working I need to step back and ask myself "why is this so important to you? - Is it life or death? - Is the outcome more about satisfying your ego's need to get something?"  I think that most of the time I am trying to keep up the reputation I have given myself.  What would a hard worker do or a kind person do? Maintaining an image I have of myself.

This isn't something you do consciously it is more a way to label yourself better than the average person.  A higher standard for yourself and it also gives you the opportunity to judge other people for not being at the same level.  I use to be so indignant about the actions of others and felt because I worked so hard and others decided to spend there time having fun that somehow my choice was better. Do I really know that?  I am a person that likes work more than I like play.

The reality is that it is just a choice.  Life is just choices we make everyday that sometimes work and sometimes don't.  We can't do anything about the random events of life we can just decide what our choice will be each moment with every situation. 

At work I have the reputation of having more high maintenance customers.  I have great customers for the most part but that doesn't mean they don't challenge me sometimes but I know it isn't personal.  Their lives have made them who they are and I am just working with them temporarily.  They don't know how they are perceived none of us do.  It isn't my place to change them.

We are all trapped in our own description of ourselves.  Our mind is always working to maintain who we believe we are everyday.  I fill lucky that I have been given the opportunity to question the reality of the thoughts I have about myself and know the thoughts aren't real just thoughts.

This helps me to know I don't have to be so serious about everything.  I don't have to have someone to blame if something isn't going the way I wanted it to.  I can just work on what is on my plate for today and be kind to others as they figure things out for themselves.

Most people go through life unconscious thinking that they are a victim of their circumstances. This is just who they are and nothing can be done about it.  I used to think like that and sometimes wish I could be that girl before I took the bite of apple.  But once you see you can't unsee - once you know you can't unknow.  It is scary to have no one to blame not even yourself.

People are suffering and dealing with the life they have been given. Working through the good surprises and the bad surprises life is always dishing out.  It would be nice if we could control this but believing we can is exhausting and devastating when something bad happens.  Staying in the flow without saying "why me?" can avoid a lot pain. Knowing it isn't any one's fault it is just life is freedom.

Coming Home - Trying a little harder

I came back on Tuesday from my trip.  I took extra clothes thinking that I might stay a few days extra and see other family but after the weekend it seemed like it was time to come home.

It was a good visit with my friend there is not too many people you have known since 1st grade and the years seem to wash away once I arrived. She is thin and nervous just like she was when we were kids managing all the details of every moment.

Because of the situation she never stopped moving.  I didn't want to impose given the situation but she seem to enjoy having me there.  I am pretty low maintenance as guest go and I bring anything I might need for my personal comfort including my pillow.

I listened a lot about all her mothers illnesses and how many times they thought she wasn't going to make it. Recently she had had a come back and the week before her death she renewed her drivers licence, got a pedicure, had her teeth cleaned and a mole removed from her face.

I guess she was preparing for a trip.  Isn't that always the way? You hear people say "I saw her just last week and she looked great."  But none of us live forever and with each passing day it seems more real to me.

Coming back to a pile of work and thinking is this what I am suppose to be doing? After hearing the kind of person my friend mother was it made wonder what would be said about me. First I don't think there will be such a crowd.  I remember after my own mothers death there were such crowds that they had to close off a few extra rooms to hold all the people and the flowers.

My life has been pretty small and because I have lived in the sickness of my own story I haven't been too giving at times. Other times I gave too but mostly to escape the thoughts and emotions that were always brewing inside just beneath the surface. Earning my right to be alive.

I still have time to put myself out there if I really want to be more give more. It is never too late to change. It is never to late to be someone different.  I recently saw an interview with Jimmy Carter in his 90's and he said he thought the secret to his own happiness and the longevity of his marriage was that he and Rosalyn regularly decide to learn something new. He gave the example that he put his first pair of skis on at 60. I thought that was encouraging.

These days with work I feel that I have no time for really much else.  Of course this is just in my own mind because I spend many hours a day watching TV and not much else. I like it and it calms me but it is just another way to medicate myself.

Sometimes I think this idea of making a big difference is just another mind trap. Something to keep us from just living and enjoying the moment and the people that are right there in front of us.

I have realized that I do want to get out and meet new people. People that are open to change and want to learn new things and have fun. I am not sure how to go about finding them but I think I am going to try a little harder.

Black clouds and parades

I wrote a post yesterday that made my already bad mood even worse so at the end of it I decided not to post it. It all started last week when I got the news that someone I am close to at work is leaving. It wasn't a surprise they have been dragging a black cloud along with them for months now. Directing all their life problems toward their job and the business.

I have watched this for awhile and tried my best to share what I have learned about looking outside of myself for blame. I know I can't really change anyone and only when they are ready if ever they will see who is really causing them pain.  It is a loss for me personally and professionally but who knows I might be happier not having someone rain on my parade every day.

That was the beginning of the week and by yesterday after six working days in a row I was tired. This always comes as a surprise to me that I need a recharge day. I always have so much hope for my days off and all the things I can accomplish only when they arrive I am uninterested in doing anything.  I look around the house and see all that needs to be accomplish but I do nothing.

This makes me feel bad about my lack of interest in my personal life. I think back to a time when my life was so busy and I had so many friends that I was flying high. Of course that led to my ultimate crash and a long road of recovery. I was busy because I was afraid that if I stopped scheduling every minute that all the emotions I buried would come to the top.

I was right to be afraid because as you know I checked out. I am starting over now and I don't know exactly where I fit in anymore and this scares me. Only about once a week when I am alone and uninspired and and I realize the number of people I can reach out to has dwindled to almost nothing. Whose fault is this I ask myself . This leads to blame and reviewing all the bad decisions I have made that led me to today where I don't want to be.

Luckily yesterday I decided to get dressed and get out. I called someone and they were available for dinner and a visit. My head is not always a good place to go especially when I am tired and feeling lonely. We had a nice visit and she said what I needed to hear that I need to get out an meet people more like me.

I am not sure how to go about doing that especially with my hours but I have to do something. I am going to take a Zumba class offered locally by the school system. That will be interesting.  I did decide I need to do something that is more physical than mental. Mindless fun that is what I am looking for right now.

I hasn't helped my mood that it has be raining here non-stop even as I write this it is pouring and I can hear cracks of thunder. Everything is mushy, wet and moldy. Yuck.

I woke up today feeling better and dreaming about getting my life in order. I did a few drawings of my own kitchen makeover. I wrote list of what I want to do and how much it will cost. I also drew some sketches of some place else I would like to live. An urban structure small easy to maintain with an adjacent studio space and store front. This is an on going dream of mine.

So today I am dreaming a scheming which tells me I have bounced back from where I was yesterday. Tomorrow I will be back to work and no time to think at all.

Drawing - Dealing with worry

I woke up worried this morning. Usually this goes along with the thought of "what is going to happen to me?" to start the ball rolling. I turned on my favorite (only) TV evangelist for some inspiration. This is what I do when I don't really want to face the day. Three segments later I decided to get up and get dressed for work.

I was pleased to find no one here this morning. This gives me time to resolve the issues in my head and get my day started. I know the fear I have is because my life isn't full enough right now. Not enough work or fun to fill my days. Too much space in my head.

Yesterday I had breakfast with a friend and spent a few hours drawing and eventually headed over to another friend's house for dinner and a movie.  I had an inspired moment early in the week that I could go to a friends condo and watch the fireworks from the balcony. The traffic and the lack of parking dampened my enthusiasm for that idea yesterday so no fireworks.

I am enjoying the part of my life that involves drawing. My ultimate goal is to paint portraits in acrylics. I have been watching this guy on YouTube who uses acrylics like watercolors the same way I do. He shows step by step how to get started.

He mentioned the book Drawing on the Right Side of Brain and how much he loved it. It is an old book from the 90's that makes drawing available for everyone. It proves that it isn't as much about talent as it is about the practice of seeing. The premise is that people are mostly left brain dominant to start with and that society focuses on developing the left and right gets left behind with second grade stick drawings.

I keep running across this idea of left and right brain and it has really helped me to understand why I am always in conflict with myself.  There is actually a power struggle going on up there. The left controls language, numbers and thinks in linear terms. The right abstract and thinks in pictures. The book mentions dreaming as the right brain trying to communicate ideas to left. This explains a lot.

When I want to just trust that things are just as they are suppose to be and I feel peaceful my right brain pipes up with a list of things I should be worried about. I hear "you are crazy not to be worried about this, you better get your butt in gear or disaster will strike." This is how I felt this morning.

I really think I am middle brain with a little more emphasis on the right these days. Sometimes it feels like I am suspended over the space between the two halves. It is really uncomfortable and I am afraid to make any decisions. In the past my left brain had a plan and we were sticking to it like it or not. I can't do that anymore.

I am still moving forward and trying not to take any of my thoughts too seriously. I am getting things done despite my moments of fear. I know deep in my heart that "all is well" and everything will work out. Maybe.

Maturity - Being wrong

Our live model and teacher

Every day I realize just how wrong I have been about everything in my life. I can see now that when my mother died I stopped maturing. Without her I had to become my own parent. This isn't really a good idea.

I did grow up quickly and learned how to take care of myself and how to keep other people happy. I didn't know until recently that I have been emotionally eleven. I can't believe that I am even admitting this but it is true.

I married my emotional equal twice. Both adult children, both potential alcoholics but it didn't matter. The first I tried to change the second post 12 steps I didn't. They were both loving and generous but just like children found their new best friend a little more interesting.

I can see how immature I have been now and realize the act of thinking someone can make you happy forever is a real stretch. I can't even make myself happy for very long.

I think I am finally adult enough to be in an adult relationship. Now I just have to find another adult.

I am happy for the first time in a long time. My happiness isn't dependent on any one person or any one thing to happening. I just want to do things I enjoy with interesting people all the time.

I went to an drawing class last night. It was fun and everybody brought food. It felt like some how I am back where I belong.

PS. There is a Ted Talk on "Being Wrong" that says it all.

In the weeds

Artwork by DanaFrostick.com

I am writing right now in hopes that it will help me get settled. Things are all over the place and I really in the weeds. I first heard the term when I was in the restaurant business in the 80's. It means when you just can't keep up with the volume of orders coming in.

One of my first jobs was at a golf and country club. I had the breakfast and lunch shift and started work at 7 AM. We were all in our twenties and would stay out all night and come to work still half lit. The room held about 20 tables and within 20 minutes the whole place would fill up.

Breakfast is hard on a waitress (server). What kind of juice? What kind of toast? What kind of meat? How do you want your eggs? Decaf or regular? Hash browns or grits? I remember one time a man ask me three times for ketchup and that night I woke up from a sound sleep and thought, he never got his ketchup.

My roommate worked with me and in the middle of the rush she would sneak off and sleep in the women's locker room. This made me furious and it sent me over the edge when customers ask me if she could wait on them instead of me. One time I told them they could go wake her up that she was in the locker room. It only bothered me.

I have always been an over-achiever in my work life. Self-sacrifice is in my dna and I always loathed people that got away with doing as little as possible. You know the type always leaving early and still being loved by everyone. Flying by the seat of their pants and having so many adoring fans to cheer them on.

If your in Al anon your are probably not one of those people. I know it is just a generalization but this is my post and I can do what I want. The hard working Al-anon has their nose to grind stone and longs to be one of those care free fun loving folks with the cheering crowds. More generalizations.

Since I can't that person I now settle for being near that person. I find that is better to have them as friends than as lovers. One is amusing the other can drain the life out of you and leave you with an empty bank account. I use to worry about how they would make it but I have learned some adoring fan is waiting to help them out. I am glad it doesn't have to be me anymore.

So now I try to have fun myself instead of living through someone else. I can do it, really! Ok, it is still work for me to have fun but I can do it sometimes. I have realized that I am not an extravert or a thrill seekers and I don't really like loud parties.

I like to do things and learn things while I am doing it. I like movies and shows that make me laugh or make me think about the big picture in life. I live in my head and it can be very fun sometimes and more like a horror flick at other times. This is who I am and I don't feel guilty about that anymore.

I have also realized that I like to work. I like to accomplish things and it feels good to see a finished product. I love what I do even if right now I am in the weeds.

Finding Wholiness - Potter tales

I haven't got much time before I have to leave for an appointment across town so I will attempt to write something brief.

I think I mention that I went to see the final Harry Potter movie one afternoon last week. It was serious and dismal compared the earlier ones. I guess as Harry got older life became more complicated and serious. Where is the fun in that?

At the end the school was in shambles. Then years later they were sending their own kids to school there. They never showed the school restored and as a designer I felt cheated.

The other night I watched the first movie and Dumbledore the wizard was explaining to Harry about the magic mirror. He said it shows what you long for in Harry's case his dead parents. They were right there in the mirror and Harry became obsessed at looking at the mirror.

Dumbledore told him that a healthy person would only see himself standing alone in the mirror, wanting nothing.

Where is my sweater? A little humor.

I was born naked just like everyone else. My parents saw my nakedness and decided I needed a sweater. They put their hearts and heads together and came up with what they thought was a perfect sweater for me. It had some of their gifts and some of things they wished they had had growing up.

I wore that sweater until I left home and saw that my sweater was different from anyone else is sweater. Then someone offered me theirs it was brightly colored a little too big but when I wore it people always complimented me. They would say how lucky I was to have that sweater. Then it started to feel a little itchy and one day I could stand it anymore and had to have it off.

I was naked again and it was cold. I thought I had made a mistake by ditching the sweater. I tried to get it back but it was gone. Then I was offered another sweater and in a moment of weakness I took it. It was really different than the other sweater it was kind of plain but comfortable and warm. It wasn't really my style so I didn't really appreciate it until I lost it one day.

So I am naked again just like in the beginning. I have been this way for awhile and I have gotten use to it. I have become comfortable in my nakedness. I have been cold through the winter without a sweater but it is spring now and I don't really have to have one right now. I have some time to look for another before winter to find one that is perfect for me.

This time I have decided to take up knitting.

Shoulds and Spys - Character Defects

My day was full of I should be doing this and that, you can say it as many times as you like but if in your heart you have not intentions of actually doing anything about it, what is the point.

I have pretty much stop shoulding on myself over the years but occasionally like today I had envisioned so much productivity. First I was going to go to showroom since no one was there today and get some paper work done, but I couldn't make myself do it. Then I thought I would work on some much needed household projects, but I didn't do it. It was like the boss was on vacation and I was left at the office to keep things running and I decided to see how hard I could work at doing nothing.

This is my character defect that I use to think was an asset. I think I must be productive. Everything I am involved in must produce or accomplish something. It is even better if it serves multiple purposes. A good example is blogging, it helps me address daily spiritual issues, improves my writing skills and entertains me, for a short time.

Doing comes naturally to me and I can honestly say that I don't know how to do nothing or have fun for that matter. I tried to think of the last really fun thing I did and it was playing Cafe of facebook. I liked the cooking and serving it felt like I was really accomplishing something and then there was Farmtown, not to be confused with Farmville. Don't even get me started I created a second identity so I could have myself plow fields and work two farms and bonus I could get more stoves in Cafe.

I finally had to back away from the games because my virtual life was taking more time than my real life. I did get bored once I had the whole thing running efficiently as possible. So you can see I have a problem even defining fun most less downright goofing off.

So today the boss was on vacation and since I work for myself it is like having a spy in the office. I will have to come up with some pretty good excuses for myself when I get to the office tomorrow.