Painting over the past - No regrets

I have had a productive break and have transformed my house.  I am not sure where this blast of energy came from but I am grateful for it.  I have been tired and my house has been tired too. I felt like I couldn't make a decision about anything so it didn't. The timing just wasn't right I guess.

My design philosophy even before I knew what the word meant was if you don't like where you are and you can't move then work with what you have.  As a kid I got bored with the four walls and my mother would let me do whatever I wanted as long as she didn't have to get involved and it didn't cost any money. A designer was born.

Changing your space can lift your spirits instantly.  Along with the kitchen and powder bath face lift yesterday I painted midnight blue on one wall in my living room . With the rest of the walls white it really makes the furniture pop. I love color.

This change came about after a I purchased a used oriental rug for the dining room.  Painting gave me the opportunity to look at everything see everything in the room up close and personal.  Everything needed a serious cleaning and I ended up re-staining the baseboards and well as giving the furniture a good scrub down.

Even though I have done some things around the house over the years it has been out of necessity and not out of joy. I have mostly rejected this house since I moved here.  I didn't unpack for a long time and I wouldn't even shop at the nearby grocery store. I thought "I don't belong here."

My heart was broken and my life as I knew it was over.  Luckily I have always had divine guidance in my life someone that has kept me from bad decisions and that someone helped me find the perfect house.  Even though I was totally out of my mind I was able to find this house. My friend and my realtor both called me about this house on the same day and it was empty and move in ready.  It had everything on my wish list without exception.

While painting yesterday I was actually able to listen to a few Cd's that my ex and I use listen to all the time.  All the words I know by heart and they gave me comfort instead of pain for the first time.
Those Cd's represent a time when we were close a piece of my life that will never be again. I didn't feel any sadness just acceptance and now it all seems so far away. One song says "time heals the wounds that love made."

How much time nobody can tell you. My personal situation was stretched out by a number of things maybe one being my total emotional shutdown or denial that life as I knew it was over. Even if I really wasn't happy in the life I had before I didn't sign up for this or did I?

I think I can say with confidence that I have recovered. I have returned to a whole person I no longer have pieces missing like I did before.  I can celebrate that I have survived another one of life's trials and I am back on top.

I know my story is isn't unique many people have be left by the one they loved. The difference is that it happen to me at a time when I had just started to trust that it was real this time. It only took me 13 years to relax a little bit.  I know I was my best in that relationship and there was nothing more that I could have done to make it turn out differently.  I have no regrets.

I am happy to feel good for a change and I am ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have spent the holidays working on accepting my home.  After eight years I have decided that I am going to stay. I going to give my house the love that it deserves.  The last bit of healing.

The last haircut - Freedom - Change

My hairdresser is retiring tomorrow at 75. She has Parkinson's and with surgery she has been able to continue cutting hair until now.  She a strong willed woman who still isn't sure whether it is the right time to retire or not. For the few of us that are still her clients it is time.

So I had my last hair cut this week. I was a little emotional to think she will never again cut my hair. She is an excellent hairdresser with 50 years experience and even with the aging years and the Parkinson's I have no complaints. Maybe just a few.

We are a tough breed those that have survived living with alcoholism and addition. We dig in and never surrender even when we have every right to do so. My friend is tough as nails and I have never heard her complain not even once. When she got the diagnosis ten years ago she said when they told her the news she said "I am happy it isn't cancer."

I won't say it has been all fun and games. Having  brain surgery isn't anything to take too lightly. I have to say I wasn't a great friend at the time. I had lost everything including my mind and was barely making it myself. Before the surgery we did have weekly meditations on my porch after dinner.

Four or five of us would gather around the table and hold hands and sit in silence. This sometimes would last and hour. It would end spontaneously one person coming out of it and then the rest. We were linked so closely at that time everyone seemed to need the support. When we came out of it we would go around the table and talk about what we saw or felt and everyone would comment. The after talks were very healing. I couldn't have made it without those nights.

My friend is a silent sufferer not like me. I don't know if it is because she doesn't want the disease to get top billing or because she doesn't want to bother us with the details. Of course we don't ask it is our way. My friends and I are all the same expecting that if a person needs help they should say so.

Fat chance of that we have too much pride and stubbornness to admit when we need something. Forever autonomous declining all outside contributions. This is why we feel so lonely sometimes because we don't want to depend on other people. The people we have depended on have let us down so we are better off relying on ourselves that trusting another. We are more comfortable being trusted than trusting.

I have learned through the program that you can trust some people. The friends I talk about here I have know 20 plus years and they are all still around. What I do know now is that you have to know who to trust and know that when you get disappointed it isn't about you. Sometimes the other person is dealing with their own crisis and can't live up to your expectations.

Just like me I failed these same friends when I lost myself. They were use to me pulling things together like I did those meditation nights. I always kept things going no matter what happen. I had been the rock but even the rock can be submerged by a big storm.

I am happy to be back now even though I am changed forever.  Everyone has accepted me the way I am even though I am different. When my friend got her diagnosis I went out and bought every book possible on Parkinson's. The other day one of my friends mentioned that to me and then he said " the person that bought those books doesn't exist anymore."  I said "that is true,"

I don't believe in regrets.  I believe you do your best even if it is not good enough for other people or even yourself. It is all you have on any given day. We get into trouble when we set standards for other people and for ourselves and we get hurt when they don't adhere to our standards.

Over the years I have been able to let go an forgive the past by imagining what the other person must have been going through to do the things they did to me. Sadly it was never about me it was about their own demons and I was just part of the fall out. I took those hurts and made them about me and believed I was a problem that needed to be fixed. When I couldn't find a way to fix myself I couldn't accept this and I crashed.

When I recovered it was because I realized this was what I believed. I believed I was a problem and there was no solution. With grace I found this lie I had been told and kept telling myself. I am not a problem to be fixed I am just me living in a world with people just like me just trying to find a way to be happy.

I am free today.  I am free to do what is right for me and to mess things up if that is what happens. I can know that I can't control really anything so I can relax and enjoy the moment and deal with whatever comes my way today without bracing myself for it.