Monday, January 4, 2016

Painting over the past - No regrets

I have had a productive break and have transformed my house.  I am not sure where this blast of energy came from but I am grateful for it.  I have been tired and my house has been tired too. I felt like I couldn't make a decision about anything so it didn't. The timing just wasn't right I guess.

My design philosophy even before I knew what the word meant was if you don't like where you are and you can't move then work with what you have.  As a kid I got bored with the four walls and my mother would let me do whatever I wanted as long as she didn't have to get involved and it didn't cost any money. A designer was born.

Changing your space can lift your spirits instantly.  Along with the kitchen and powder bath face lift yesterday I painted midnight blue on one wall in my living room . With the rest of the walls white it really makes the furniture pop. I love color.

This change came about after a I purchased a used oriental rug for the dining room.  Painting gave me the opportunity to look at everything see everything in the room up close and personal.  Everything needed a serious cleaning and I ended up re-staining the baseboards and well as giving the furniture a good scrub down.

Even though I have done some things around the house over the years it has been out of necessity and not out of joy. I have mostly rejected this house since I moved here.  I didn't unpack for a long time and I wouldn't even shop at the nearby grocery store. I thought "I don't belong here."

My heart was broken and my life as I knew it was over.  Luckily I have always had divine guidance in my life someone that has kept me from bad decisions and that someone helped me find the perfect house.  Even though I was totally out of my mind I was able to find this house. My friend and my realtor both called me about this house on the same day and it was empty and move in ready.  It had everything on my wish list without exception.

While painting yesterday I was actually able to listen to a few Cd's that my ex and I use listen to all the time.  All the words I know by heart and they gave me comfort instead of pain for the first time.
Those Cd's represent a time when we were close a piece of my life that will never be again. I didn't feel any sadness just acceptance and now it all seems so far away. One song says "time heals the wounds that love made."

How much time nobody can tell you. My personal situation was stretched out by a number of things maybe one being my total emotional shutdown or denial that life as I knew it was over. Even if I really wasn't happy in the life I had before I didn't sign up for this or did I?

I think I can say with confidence that I have recovered. I have returned to a whole person I no longer have pieces missing like I did before.  I can celebrate that I have survived another one of life's trials and I am back on top.

I know my story is isn't unique many people have be left by the one they loved. The difference is that it happen to me at a time when I had just started to trust that it was real this time. It only took me 13 years to relax a little bit.  I know I was my best in that relationship and there was nothing more that I could have done to make it turn out differently.  I have no regrets.

I am happy to feel good for a change and I am ready to go back to work tomorrow. I have spent the holidays working on accepting my home.  After eight years I have decided that I am going to stay. I going to give my house the love that it deserves.  The last bit of healing.

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