What is wrong with me? The final solution

I haven't written here since my birthday and thought I would see if I have anything to say. First I am great probably the best I have ever been. My life as you know has been a search to figure out how to do better and most of all to feel better.

I give recent credit for healing to my therapist and to EMDR. I have handled life by bracing my self for something awful or swimming through treacherous waters, I have felt like an alien visiting here watching other people just move through life not thinking too much and not worrying too much.

I took a trip to see my family earlier this month and is actually felt good. Everyone older and wiser including me. On the way I listen to a book "What happened to you?". It summed up where I have been and where I am now.

The author is a trauma specialist and said something that spoke to me. She said instead of saying "whats wrong with me?" say "what happened to me?".  I have said the first for as long as I remember even now if I feel sad or just not interested in life I say "whats wrong with you?"

My work with EMDR has brought forward some significant events to the surface. Things that I have known about intellectually for a long time. What happened to me early in my life and the guilt I have for even thinking about it after so many years.  

I have written about those here hoping I could just let them go by putting them on the page. I have let those painful experiences go so many times but not really. The book talks about trauma in the body mostly early trauma and how it stays with children forever. 

The EMDR has helped me experience these painful times as an adult. Going back to the moment in mind as an adult and walking through my feelings until they dissipate. When I have my next session I can hardly remember what was addressed before. 

There isn't anything wrong with me I just had some things happen to me that made me think I was a problem and a real burden to everyone around me. I was regularly punished for being who I was and asking too many questions all in the name of love.

 I lost my family after my mother died and I found the best way to be loved is to earn it by doing things people wanted done and doing them perfectly. I learned to anticipate their every need.  As an adult when I had a crisis and couldn't fulfill my previous roll I was left.

I thought this was my fault that I was flawed in some way and didn't deserve love. I am free from that thought now and have moved through the events that created this belief. I have forgiven the child that I have been trying to solve the problem of me. 

This blog saved me and gave me a place to tell my story with honesty and freedom. I want to let you know to never give up on finding a way to feel better. Finding a way to knowing there is nothing wrong with you.  Finding peace with the past and loving yourself when it feels impossible. 

Art - Finding freedom within

I have been feeling pretty great since I started back doing some art. When this happens I always want to analyze it and ask why now and why art? About six months ago I contemplated packing up all my supplies and getting rid of them. I told myself "you will never feel inspired to do that again". 

This wasn't really in a bad way but I thought maybe I was holding on to a part of me that wasn't there anymore.  Maybe I was ready to move on. I have bought tons of supplies over literally decades and done nothing with them. A moment of inspiration where I imagined myself sitting down and painting or drawing. I could never bring myself to find the joy I knew growing up where creating was all I wanted to do.

When I was child even before my mother got sick I was exiled to our basement and I created non stop. In high school I turned to art as an outlet for the pain I felt being used by my family as a their personal live in servant. Art was freedom and the other students mostly outcast and mostly high were not judgmental and I was just another person struggling through life.

The art world in general can also be competitive and we were all divided into two categories by the teacher talented and not so talented. I am my own worst critic and I could see that I belonged in the second group.  I took this to heart but it was confirmed when two of us were asked to paint the backdrop for our school play. We spent days on it a bright beautiful and colorful sunset only to find that when the curtain was raised someone talented had painted a sad gray sky with boats. 

I dropped out of art after that. Our art teacher should of told us but she was in her 20's and probably couldn't face us. My thoughts about myself had been confirmed I wasn't good enough to be an artist. 

It always amazes me how we internalize the things that happen when our brain is still forming and how adults have no idea how their actions and words can change lives for better or for worse. 

I feel free these days like I have never before.  I have accepted that I am that girl in the basement creating non-stop. I have tried to be many other things to fit into this world but nothing really stuck.  I have to create and I do that with my work and I can visit the outside world while I am doing it. It has taken me forever to accept who I am and enjoy everyday.

We can see that the world we have created in our head is mostly fiction and can be re-written to reflect the life we want for ourselves now. We can forgive others for their careless words or thoughtless actions that changed us.  We can forgive ourselves for internalizing these things and believing them for the decades that followed. It is our own voice that decides to give those words meaning. 

I woke up at 7 this morning made myself an espresso and have drawn one portrait and completed one pen and ink drawing. I am no longer holding myself back and carrying around the voices of my childhood in my head. I am happy to be the girl in the basement creating.  

Art and the creative process is healing and I believe a form of meditation. I can let go and just let it all out. 

  

The punishment of being me - What is wrong with me

I have always been a person that needed to know how things work and more importantly why. I have spent most of my life lost in this search for answers and a general understanding of my world. Feeling like an alien in this world an wondering what is wrong with me.

I didn't ask for the brain I got but it is the one that I have to live with. I have spent most of my life asking myself  daily  "what's wrong with you?" This began early when I just wasn't interested in the mundane routine of our household. My mother in frustration ended up just banishing me to the basement to entertain myself and I happily did.

When I got to school it got much worse.  I remember standing in the hall the first week of school without a clue of what I had done wrong. My teacher was a college friend of my mothers so this was going to be ugly when I got home. 

I didn't try to fix myself until after my mother died. Until then I had learned to accept the punishment for being me and took it all in stride. When my dad remarried there was psychological  punishment for being me. Before being physically punished just seemed like part of my routine and I didn't really see the connection between my behavior and the punishment.

This is where the self loathing began. In my logical mind I did everything everyone told me to do as perfectly as I could and still it was not good enough. I was not good enough was and without my mother I was isolated with people who did not love me an made sure that I understood that every day.

I did leave which was the best thing still but I knew something wasn't right about me. All of my relationships were with guys that had a lot of their own issues of not belonging. They drank they had anger problems and I understood this and I knew could help them. 

I started my road to recovery through the 12 steps and it helped me discover the me in my head that would never be happy. I thought this was spiritual and could be fixed with prayer and meditation and it definitely helped. I stopped taking myself so seriously and I became "my brothers keeper" I stayed so busy I didn't have time to listen to the voice in my head.

This works until it doesn't and I burned out. I was at the bottom thinking again "what is wrong with me?"  I have come back from this but my life is empty of the people that I supported who could not support me. It is okay I did this to myself the caretakers and those that need to be taken care of are two different personalities. 

I have learned through all the years that it is just the brain I was given.  There isn't anything wrong with me because I am not like other people.  I could pretend but that takes too much effort. I do realize that I can do things that change my brain that is based on pure science. I can also take care of my body knowing that what I eat affects my emotions more than I ever imagined it could.  I don't like it but it is not worth trading in happiness for sugar. 

I guess my point is you have control over 80% of what goes on in your head. The brain is bent towards fear naturally more for some than others. The primal fear of being someone's meal. We create a path in our brain early in our childhood and our brain chooses this path over and over again because it is easy.  We have to make new paths with daily out loud proclamations to over write these old paths. This really works. 

Writing here helps me to see where I have been and how far I have come. I do get lonely sometimes for the distraction of chaos but there is still enough to show me that it isn't what I want. I am re-inventing myself or just returning to who I was as a child. I have pulled out all of my art supplies and doing something ever day. Even when I would prefer to binge watch something.  The path of my child hood a well worn path. 

Avoiding Suffering - Finding Joy

My mind is always trying to simplify things which is different than it use to be when complicated thinking kept me from living my life. I was always out there in the future or worse reliving the past over and over trying to gleam some knowledge that would help me avoid some future disaster.  Did this work?

This is a laughable question.  We think we can out think life and prepare for what could be coming but what happens is something that wasn't on the list at all. We think with self improvement we can spot our own flaws and avoid the same mistakes twice.  Does this work?

This another laughable question. I blame my analytical mind for wasting most of my life trying to solve the puzzle of  human existence. I thought if I tried hard enough I could avoid repeating the mistakes of others and repeating my own mistakes and avoid suffering. 

When something unexpected either something small like a bad day at work or something big like loss of someone you love it feels personal. In my own life I took it personally but even worse I felt responsible and didn't have the maturity to see that it wasn't something I had done. Thanks to my upbringing I thought when my mother died God was punishing me for not being a perfect. I was strong willed and I needed to be to change this seemed logical to me.

Then I got a new mother and she hated me and treated me with constant disdain. I tried to be good but nothing I did was good enough. I did everything as perfectly as I could but I was not lovable.  I didn't belong so I left.  I jumped into any relationship that made me feel secure even for a moment. I attracted those that wanted to possess me this made me feel loved and protected. Like me they all had the same problem of not being enough. 

I looked every where for  the part I thought I had missing. I never found a place where I fit. I couldn't accept the failings of my life and of my relationships. The Al-Anon program taught about acceptance and I accepted the shortcomings of other but not myself. I knew if I worked harder I could get the life that played out in my head. 

My failures intersected a decade ago when I  lost everything that I thought defined me. I had done everything to the best of my ability and it hadn't worked. I had no where to go and my mind could not grasp the situation and it broke. I had nothing left to begin again.  

After a lifetime the person I had been was gone. I fought hard at first to pretend I was still there but this made me feel worse.  Finally I heard "let go" and I did.  I thought at that moment I would die but it was quite the opposite I felt nothing. The whirling thoughts in my mind disappeared and it was quiet for the first time. It felt weird with nothing there but I got use to it and then I started to enjoy it.

I told myself "okay this is who you are now - it isn't so bad" I had no labels for myself that I had to live up to. At the time I didn't even imagine a future for myself. I just stayed where I was until I eventually moved on. First small things caught my attention while things that I use to love faded altogether. Without much effort mainly just in time I became a new person or who I was beneath all the along.

Today I am happy and I don't waste time scolding myself for my flaws. I also know that I will face what ever comes when it gets here. The future is unknown and only our ability to bounce back is important.  We can't live happy lives if we are always bracing ourselves for the worse.  We will miss the joy today has to offer us and see the people that may not be part of our lives in the future. 

This is something I do regret about my constant forward and future motion I missed the real moments life had to offer.  I spent my waking hours focused on the future and the pain I carried with me instead of just being there. Nothing stays the same as time marches on so love moments instead of planning a future that is only in your mind. The future is today. 

This is a time of year that we celebrate miracles and I consider myself a miracle. I did not believe that I could be happy again. I didn't know that I could start the day singing and not just surviving. I am grateful for my journey even though I lost a lot years.  I don't plan on losing another day on the future. 

The truth - Forgiving ourselves - Self-care

I had to drive north about an hour for an appointment on Thursday. It is a beautiful drive and I decided to put in an old Dixie Chicks CD and while listening tears started running down my face.

I was surprised by this and wondered what was going on. It was the first CD they made after their country music fall from grace.  It has some great come back songs that everyone can relate to but this isn't what moved me.  I bought this CD just before my own life imploded. 

One sound with these words "I love the silence you create for me." I thought I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with and they understood me. It turns out that this was in my mind only and almost laughable now. We create our reality mostly in our heads and refuse to see the truth mainly because it is just to hard to accept. 

If I had known that my life was about to break open and it would lead me to the darkest times of my life I would have stopped living. 

I lost everything that defined who I thought I was during that time. My relationship, my home my career.  It was so devastating that it sent me into to menopause overnight. Most of my friends ran from me because the person they knew was missing. I knew I was missing too but there was nothing I could do about it.

What happened me I think was caused by my inability to accept the changes being forced on me. I could no longer identify with the person I thought I was up until then. The stress of it all caused my body and mind to start rejecting itself.  I didn't get help because I thought I could handle it myself. 

I shut down and walked through my life like a robot. I showed up when it was absolutely necessary but when it wasn't I sat alone and stared or I walked in the woods alone. Being with other people felt like putting on a sandpaper suit. I had one person who let me just be without expectation. 

I thought about ending my life everyday mainly because I couldn't imagine feeling this empty and uninterested in life forever. What would be the point in continuing was what I was thinking.  I was past grief and sadness and really felt nothing. The more I tried to figure out how I got there the worse I felt.  I finally just quit and just accepted that this is the new me.

I didn't act on my feelings because of some great reverence for life but it required me to do something. I told myself everyday that I could decide again tomorrow. I remember one moment I heard a voice in my head say "you are doing this to yourself." What did that mean?

I sat with that for a long time and realized that I was punishing myself for not being enough. I believed that there was something about me that caused these losses in my life. I thought that I was, at the core, not lovable and I had proof.  I had list of the rejections or blatant indifference from the people who said they loved me.  No one wanted me.

I thought I was a strong person and was happy to take care of other people. I am strong but I also have needs even if I never acknowledged them. I finally turned this self care back to myself and decided to be enough for me first instead of always looking outside myself for proof that I am lovable.  

I know what happened to me was both physical and mental. I was too out of it to care about what was happening to me. When I finally went to the doctor my thyroid was barely working and I was close to Hashimoto's disease. Living in crisis had exhausted my body's ability to function and my brain wasn't working right either. 

My recovery was slow and with time I started to function better. I never have returned to the person I was before and for that I am grateful. I am worthy of the love and care I give myself today. I can't say enough the role that food has played in the way I think. My mind is clear and I am happy.  Our emotions are fueled by the food we eat.

The tears those songs brought to my eyes were tears of gratitude.  I can forgive the past even if I can't always forget it. I can see that I was a child emotionally in that relationship looking for something that no person can give you - unconditional love. 

I can make that drive now and see the beauty in the surrounding marshes and enjoy being alive.  I can forgive myself for being lost so many years missing what was there all along. The gift of today and all it has to offer me.  

 

Love Letters - Forgiveness - Healing - Freedom

I am home today taking a short break in the middle of my work week.  I was cleaning and moving my art stuff from downstairs to move it to the upstairs.  I converted a closet to a art work space. Sometimes I think I will never actually get around to do the art but I am hopeful.  With work taking 100% of my creativity it is hard to muster up enough enthusiasm to paint.  I am pretending that " if you build it they will come" ot it in this case. 

While cleaning things out I found a few old photos of my past lives at different times. It started the wheels turning and I remembered having several boxes in the basement that I haven't looked at in a long time. I know I am healed from my past because these pictures no longer evoke strong emotional responses for me anymore. 

I look at the girl in the photos and think about how much I missed trying to keep bad things from happening. "You can always see it coming but you can never stop it" a line from a Cowboy Junkies song that is so true.  I have kept something from every relationship I have ever had. From my ex-husband I kept letters he wrote me after he split and left me for a co-worker.  They married and have grown kids now.

Two letters the first before therapy and the second after therapy. In the first he blamed me for everything that was wrong with his life and felt just starting fresh would cure everything. He didn't know what had happened to us or why he couldn't love me like before. We really never had closure or counseling he refused to talk about anything. A year after the divorce he called and wanted me to meet him at his counselors appointment so we could clear the air.  I agreed hoping this would help to heal me but it was ugly when he confessed that there had been a number of infidelities over the years.  

I always felt that it was my fault that bad things happening to me. I would rather take the blame than really believe that the people I loved and trusted were so horrible. I felt like it was my fault for not seeing just how things really were.  My denial of the truth of who they had become made it impossible to move on. I internalized the pain to the point that I didn't want to live. 

The second letter was an amends letter where he admits how mean he was to me and the lies he told and the constant manipulation of my emotions. This manipulation was the worse for me because for three years he courted me leaving notes on my car and gifts in my mailbox. While he was with someone else that in the beginning I didn't  know about. Telling me one week before he was getting married that he would never love anyone the way he loved me. 

In the second letter he said he could see how much pain and anger he had built up inside and only the drugs and alcohol could manage them until they stopped working. This letter was hard to read because he was becoming the person I knew he could be but I wasn't going to reap the benefits of this new found awakening. 

I loved him like I never have loved anyone else. We were two very broken people whose pain matched perfectly for almost a decade. I was not complete without him and when I felt I was losing him I froze and stopped living which made me really attractive.  You can hear that it was still my fault. I remember falling into depression with him coming home at midnight and avoiding me altogether.

I have felt all my life that no one ever really wanted me. I was a high strung ADD child and after my mother died all the grown ups deserted me to manage there own grief. From the time she got sick I knew I was on my own so I made the best of it. Only people with strong wills ever broke through. 

As an adult I attracted people who were crazy in love with me to a point in some cases stalking me. In my mind this was proof of true love. My husband would have done anything to protect me and he made me feel safe until that obsession moved to someone else. He made me feel safe even though in the end he hurt me more than anyone. 

I can read those letters today without pain and I can forgive myself for not being able to do anything about what was happening to me. My own pain was equal to his and I couldn't feel any joy without  looking over my shoulder waiting for the next crisis to strike. With alcoholism there is always the next crisis. 

It took a lot guts for him to write those letters and they did heal me a little bit every time I have read them over the years. It still makes me jealous that he got the life we always wanted with kids but I am sure it has been no bed of roses. The devil is in the details.

Looking at the pictures and reading the letters I can see over the years the progress I was making. I still never felt I was enough and was always striving to be a better me. It is a good goal but it is time for joy now and because I am alone I don't have to meet anyone's expectations but my own. I am loving myself and not looking at happiness as something in the future. I can be happy today I just have to decide to be,

I have always done my best even if it wasn't good enough for other people or even myself. I can forgive them and forgive myself.   

 

Bear at the back door - Towers

It seems I always start my post with a review of the week.  This post will be no different and I have to say this has been a particularly hard week with too much on my plate especially compared to how slow it was in July.  Most days 10 hours or more which leaves very little in the gas tank by Sunday.

That is all I have to say about that.  A line from Forrest Gump which I saw for about a minute yesterday that movie sometimes gets on my nerves.  I slept late hung over from my six day week thinking I would do my usual Sunday ritual and work in my yard but after putting on bug spray and walking around the yard here I am writing this post.

I did talk to my sister for a few minutes this morning using face time while I drank my coffee.  She had accidentally called me while carrying her tablet around the house.  We cut it short because she had to get ready for church.  We have started using face time to show each other our flowers and projects around the house.  I am not too keen to have her see my waking up and drinking coffee face.  My southern roots go deep and no one see you until you put your face on.  Anyway it was a nice short conversation her telling me a bear came to her back door this week. 

She lives in the mountains and apparently this is pretty common.  Their property is steep and no one lives above them and bears periodically stroll through the back yard.  In my world the only bears are the two legged kind. She said she would just make sure and lock the door when she lets the dog in and out from now on.  Good idea.

In my recovery from the week I watched Moonstruck last night.  Watching things over and over help still my mind.  I really don't need to be engaged in something new and I have found knowing what will happen next puts me into a more meditative state before going to sleep.

In the movie they show a beautiful picture of a harvest moon next to the twin towers.  It always makes me sad to see that part of the movie.  I think about how much has changed about our world since then.  In the movie there is a scene at the airport where he is picking up his bags before our current security.  They use to just make sure you had your bag. 

The other movie I watch regularly is Family Man.  I really like Nicolas Cage and he is in both Moonstruck and Family Man.  Ironically Family Man was filmed just before the towers went down.  He drives to the city in the snow on Christmas day and their they are a really beautiful shot.  It was common up until then to show a picture of the towers in movies so the watcher knows what city the character lives. Now the show the Chrysler Building.

We are coming up on the anniversary an we have as a country for the most part moved on.  What choice do we have?  Our time here is short and every day we need to take care of what is right in front of us.  Our family and friends even strangers that we meet each day showing kindness and tolerance along the way.  Spending our time doing things that bring us joy and peace. 

With our electronic connections to the world today it can seem overwhelming.  We might feel like there is no point in doing anything.  Bad things have gone since man was in charge it is no wonder the planet is trying to get rid of us. The difference now is that we know more of the details and it makes it real and our fear is it could happen to us.  We have to find our peace within our own lives.

Even though this may seem life a sad post it isn't really.  Life is good and I feel encouraged that we as humans can overcome most anything thrown at us.  We get into trouble when we spend our free time preparing for some disaster that will probably never come.  Life is randon and short we can't afford to waste the time we have.  That is all I have to say about that.

Ordinary Day - Wishing for future happiness - suffering

Not much has changed here I had a busy six days at work and spent yesterday in the yard.  The front is really finished but I planted some impatiens that were suppose to be sun worthy but were suffering so I moved them yesterday to a more shady spot. I replaced them with bright pink ehinacea plants.

I am glad to have something I am excited about.  This can be an issue when you get older and more peaceful. You have done a lot of things and even the things you haven't done you know that once you do them you will have to find the next thing to fill your time.  Even vacations will be over as the time passes by and when you come home began each day again. 

You could embellish your time away to others or to yourself just to make your normal life more bearable or you could just enjoy your life the way it is and look for the joy it offers each day. Getting away can renew your spirit but it doesn't solve day to day suffering.  In my experience spending concentrated time with people you already have unspoken issues with can make you wish you were back at work.

This sounds sad but it isn't meant to be.  It is just about seizing the day for what it is an not trying to get to some day in the future where things are different. We wish things were different than they are now and know that perfect day is out there somewhere.

When you are living in a crisis whether that is addiction, sickness or lack you can't wait to get past it.  I get that for sure I have lived with all of those things and I suffered most when I was wanting to be someplace else.  Someplace far in the future where this wasn't happening to me.

Today I am grateful that I can just in enjoy the day I have and not wish for happiness in the future. I will see where I can find joy in this ordinary day.

Chat with Jesus - Take what you like and leave the rest

I think it is funny that the minute I finished my post last week about how great things were going I got a phone call that started a week long crisis at work. On Tuesday I just sat in my car wondering if there was an easier less stressful way to make living. I questioned whether to go ahead with my kitchen or save the money for and earlier retirement.

Luckily by the end of the week I was over it and had accepted that this is part of my job. I ordered my cabinets yesterday and feel pretty free today.  I am off this weekend and will be taking this time to relax and regroup.

I did meditate everyday this week to try to offset the massive stress I was feeling and I had one particularly interesting session. It does have a religious slant so take what you like and leave the rest.  I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.

I was on the water in my pontoon boat.  This is where I like to be a peaceful quiet place moving slowly.  The sun is bright and reflecting on the water it isn't too warm maybe late spring.  There is canopy over the boat so the table I am sitting at is in the shade.  I am sitting there and suddenly Jesus appears.  I said to him " wow you are so beautiful" he said " yes I look like the picture that your grandmother had of me in her front room."  He was right he was the Jesus from that halo gram picture in my grandmothers house the one with the big gold frame with it's own special  light. She had gotten it from one of her donations to a TV ministry. 

We talked about my recent decision to take care of myself and my own life and focusing on my own joy. He told me that I had helped a lot of people in ways that I would never really know.  That I had taken care of other people most of my life and that it was okay to enjoy what is left of my own life. I told him sometimes I am lonely and he said that when he was here he was lonely too even when surrounded by people all the time.

While talking I noticed that he was wearing heavy robes (like the picture) I said "aren't you hot in those robes" He said "I am not a person."  That was it the end of my talk with Jesus.

You can say what you like about this little episode but it helped me.  Maybe it was me talking to me or maybe something more.  Until that moment I hadn't thought about that picture of Jesus at my grandmothers house since I was an adult. He was beautiful long flowing dark hair with highlights the sun shining on his face.  My grandmother was a serious believer and prayed about everything. She even prayed the bugs away from her old early 1900's house.  I have to admit she didn't have bugs.

I try not to put limitations on my own beliefs and the beliefs of others.  If something works for you and it brings you peace then whose to question that. I do think that religion can sometimes close you off from the fact that we are all the same.  We suffer when we lose someone we love or when we watch the people we love self destruct.  We all feel helpless and lonely sometimes even when we are with other people.

I spoke to a woman this week that is really into finding the right religious group. She also said her mother died when she was 12. I told her about my own mother's death and how it can really mess you up and you can spend a lifetime searching for security that doesn't exist. Being the group that is going to heaven makes you feel secure but you can miss out on the joy that is in your life every day. The search feels valid but it can be a distraction from real life. 

Maybe that was too much but I felt like I had to say it. It is my "testimony" as they would say in the church of my childhood. Again "take what you like and leave the rest."

Something to push against - depression - joy

I got a return call from my Aunt last week.  A call I made before Thanksgiving she told me that she had had another heart episode and the medication they gave her to calm her down had a side effect of a psychotic episode where she was seeing people and she was flying.  I told her people pay good money for those kinds of hallucinations.  Unfortunately she continued to take the medication and it took her into deep depression and that is why she hasn't called.

She said she would never be the same again and that she would never complain about being blue or sad for just a day or so. I related my own experience to her and she was shocked.  They actually visited me one day during that time a visit I barely remember.  I do remember making hot chocolate with mini morsels and canned milk for their granddaughter that came with them. She said it was the best hot chocolate she had ever had. It is the small things, right?  Apparently in the depths of despair and contemplating suicide I can make some mighty fine hot chocolate.

I can laugh about it now because I am not there now.  In fact I am better than ever and actually making plans. I have signed up for a cooking class on knife skills just to see if I can learn something new. I have had a cooking spark just below the surface and I am going to see if I can re-kindle that flame. In my old life it was a passion but since then nothing. For some odd reason I made beef stock last weekend and was binging Chopped the TV cooking shows. Little signs that something is stirring up something I thought was dead forever.

I am also drawing up a planting plan for my side yard.  I worked all day yesterday cleaning the space out.  It is about 15 feet wide and is terraced with four levels. The front of my house is at street level and the back goes down to an inlet off the river.  It is mostly been full of leaves and wild things since I have been here but I think I am ready to do something with it.  I have also had a sudden interest in house plants and I have filled my house with new plant friends. This was a passion I had in my twenties and basically haven't had an indoor plant since.

Most of my life I have been pushing against something.  I felt that life was about surviving and preparing for some unknown thing that was coming. I have had pockets of happiness but the fear was just below the surface warning me to not get too comfortable and in time, what a surprise, the voice was right. When my mind couldn't accept that it couldn't solve this problem and decided no more it sent me into long term sorrow.  Eventually even the sorrow vanished and I had only emptiness. When you experience this long enough you get to a place of acceptance this is all there is and you just keep moving. Many times I didn't see a reason to go on I did anyway.

When you live in crisis your mind is fully engaged it has something to push against. A constant to do list of time filling accomplishments. Valuable things that must get done to stop impending disaster. But when disaster comes anyway for me my mind blew a gasket. I bottomed out when I realized that bad things couldn't be stopped by any action I could take. I gave up and stopped participating in life what is the point?  Life just kept moving forward without me people came and left jobs ended an began life didn't really need me to do a thing. I became a watcher.

I watched while people stressed over the smallest things. I felt free to just be and not get too attached to the outcome.  I think now I am waking up to the idea that everything does not have to have great meaning.  I don't have to save the world or accomplish anything for that matter. I do have to accept life the way it is today and try to enjoy what is right in front me. To not judge myself so harshly when I just want to be, instead of do, sometimes.

I have a deep groove in my mind that was made when I was child.  It was that life is about doing something productive every minute and that life isn't suppose to be fun.  This is the default setting that I am up against every moment luckily I do find joy in making things beautiful it does involve work but I don't mind now that I can find joy doing it..

Things Change - Stealing my joy

It is funny how quickly things can change once you take a deep breath and let go. One of the other designers resigned and I have my office back again.  There was some idea that I should have gotten the other office but I knew that would not happen.  The person hired is currently being seen as the top dog and the person that left was the previous top dog so it was only right they get the office.

I thought is was funny how everyone was defending me and telling me I should fight for it. "What is wrong with you? Stand up for yourself."  I really didn't want the office I would have taken it but only because it doesn't have a spare desk.  I have been top dog before in my past life with a corner office. I am past needing others to think I am important. 

We will see if the new person can live up to the projections currently being projected on them. The one day we spent together there was a lot of whining about lack of direction and support. I told them it was really to early for whining and that to work there you must act like you are an independent contractor because you really are. That is what I like about it. 

I wouldn't want to be the new person again. I was told by a long time employee that I hired at a time when everyone was really unhappy.  It was the worst possible time for me too with my own spiritual battles and transitioning to a new life. I made it though and feel I am finally myself again. Actually better than the self I was before life rolled over me in a big way.

I do miss the drive I had sometimes. I miss the idea I had that something grand was just around the corner. The Buddhist say that it is letting go of this idea that will lead to happiness. That acceptance of the moment is true happiness. I understand this but the moment sometimes contains unpleasant things that is harder to just let wash over me. 

I know my life is easy and I am grateful for the grace that has been bestowed upon me. I have to admit I do want more. Being alone makes me feel I should have more of a purpose in this world. This idea makes me restless. I know that being restless is part of the human condition especially here in the west and learning to not run from it is the key to happiness. 

There are a lot of people that have done great things for humanity. They get a lot of press but they are the exception and I am sure had a lot of anonymous help along the way.  Everyone makes a difference not always good but a difference. No matter where you are your life has changed someone. 

I am going to consciously let go of this idea that I should have a bigger purpose. I do want to have a richer life but the idea that the life I have isn't enough steals my joy.  I am going to think small and make small changes and see what happens.  

Love - leaving - peace

My mind would like to take this opportunity to slide into the many reasons I am alone this Valentines. I could easily go there an look at the mistakes I have made the reason I have been left so many times but luckily I am too tired to give in to this inclination.

Why do people leave?  The better question is why do they stay? Why did I stay long after the happiness had faded and I felt lonelier than I have ever felt when I was actually alone. These are the questions that use to really put me to the test. I do know know some of the answers now.

First I married young and I thought it was forever. My religious back ground made me think that a commitment was a commitment my parents would have never divorced. I stayed because I didn't want to fail I stayed because I was empty and hurt and this person filled that for me sometimes but they also hurt me. I stayed because love conquers all and I couldn't imagine a life that was any better.

I only knew about hurt up to that point. I expected that life was only about survival because this was my own experience. I blamed myself for not being good enough for people to stay with me. I felt lucky when someone liked me and when fell for someone I worked hard to be who they thought I was. When I did this I lost myself and this ate me up inside. I couldn't show my true self because they would leave. This made me a joy to live with.

They left anyway maybe because they were living with the ghost of someone.  Maybe they left because they did believe that there was more happiness to be found else where.  They had more hope than I did at time.

I had to find myself and face the truth. I had to find a way to prove to myself that I was lovable. In my heart I knew I wasn't because there was no one I felt really did love me. I was alone and reaching out and felt no one was there.

I stayed in this place for what seemed life forever thinking that there was something in me that repelled people that once loved me into leaving me.

Something happened along the way that made realize that true love was unconditional and that you are just loved. Love isn't earned it just is and only you and your god have the ability to give you that kind of love.  I do believe in god and that we have a spirit that lives within us that represents that god and when we trust and love ourselves then we can truly find peace in this world.

Today I can be happy and feel loved even without a valentine. I can know that loving myself is enough.

My story - A moment of reflection - I am not afraid

echun.wordpress.com

In my mind I have been on my own forever. The loss of my mother naturally left me to emotionally fend for myself and the loss of my father emotionally left me with only the person in the mirror to be the judge, jury and executioner.

I became hard as nails being on my own at such an early age. I didn't have much empathy for others or myself because of the hand I felt I had been dealt. Life reflected my insides by giving me one harsh reality after another. I lived life preparing for the worst and I got it. Just to reinforce my idea that life was unfair.

When I was at my lowest I surrendered just like Step One states I was broken and my way wasn't working. I had met the alcoholic of my dreams and later my nightmares. I had trusted another to be my God and we all know how that works out.

The program gave me the means to identify how I participated in creating this nightmarish life. I did everything they told me to do and in the beginning went to every meeting I could find. The transformation was remarkable and in six months I was able to turn things over and not worry so much or be so hard on myself or other people.

After three years I met someone and we merged our lives and I got an opportunity to practice these principles in all my affairs. In my effort to keep from repeating my past I worked hard to stay autonomous.

I was happy for awhile but something was missing in the relationship, I think is was me. I thought what I had learned was live and let live but I took it too far and fell back into the being isolated emotionally and picked someone that was the same. There was no vulnerability or even emotion of any kind. Hey it felt good to me after living with the emotional roller coaster of a life with active alcoholism.

I did everything I thought I was suppose to do. That is an important sentence. I didn't get any feedback so I just did what seemed like the logical thing to do. You can live a long time together when two people are happy without emotion. I had only known pain most of my life so it felt pretty good to coast.

But it did finally run it's course and there I was left to deal with only myself. I didn't lose myself in another person, but the other person filled my life so I didn't have to grow emotionally anymore.

I feel that I orchestrate change subliminally in my life. I drown out the voice of my spirit with busyness but eventually when I stop to catch my breath the dullness and lack of joy in my life comes to the surface and a dramatic change takes place.

This is happening to me now. The difference is that it feels good to me. It doesn't feel like it is a mountain I will have to climb it just feels life freedom to move my life from dullness to joy.

My spirit is at the wheel. It has silenced the logical side that requires me to always prepare for the worst. I can feel that peace once again the peace I felt when I entered the program but this time it isn't from trusting the old man in the sky it is from trusting spirit of God within me. The one that has been waiting for me to listen and the one that isn't afraid.

Finding Your Own North Star - Feeling Light

new.discovery.com

I took the the day off yesterday. It was raining cats and dogs and no one was really looking for me so I made and executive decision to just stay home. I felt like a kid pretending to be sick and getting away with it.

I think my situation with work has put me into temporary grieving mode. The death of a dream. I had imagined that my partner and I were going to build something together like sisters and the work would be fun. Two creative people doing what we love and getting paid for it. But that was only my dream.

I realized that this situation along with the death of a close friendship around Christmas was the beginning of yet another grieving period. I couldn't really see that it made me not want to do this any more. I thought it was the design work and not the circumstance that was making me so unhappy.

From the time I was big enough to move furniture I rearranged my room at least once a month. All 60 lbs of me would sit on the floor against the wall and push my furniture around with my feet. Thankfully my mother didn't mind my reoccurring decorating sessions from black light posters to beads in the doorway. It kept me out of trouble just as it does today.

The problems I have been having made me doubt my love for design and my ability to be a entrepreneur. I have always been a entrepreneur even as a child when other kids played house I played restaurant or store. I always had a money making enterprise on the side that made real money. I loved the whole process of coming up with something someone wanted and would be willing to pay for.

I have also been doing a lot of reading this week which has helped me find my way. First a Martha Beck book Finding Your Own North Star and then The Power of Now. Martha's book is about finding something you love and the money will follow after a lot of work.  She says if you listen to your essential self instead of your social self you will be led in the right direction.

It is really about aptitude but she has methods in her book for first identifying what it is you don't like about what you are doing now and then how to find what you do like. I have read this book about four times it is way more than a book about careers it is about seeing how we cave to what is expected and become depressed because we are doing things we don't want to do. This book is also about the grief process and actually has a chart of the stages and what you might be feeling. It also help to show you the difference between grief and depression.

I went to bed night before last and ask God to help me find joy in my life again. To restore me to sanity once again and show me which way to go. I can no longer live the way I have been living in fear all the time. I decided to surrender and let the chips fall where they may. My sponsor says ask God to either " lock it or block it."

I woke up yesterday morning feeling light. I decided to stay home and my heart was singing. I watched design shows and just did whatever I felt like doing. After watching a few shows I thought "who are you kidding you are already doing exactly what you love." It hasn't been fun lately but that doesn't have anything to do with design itself. It has to do with the people I have been working with.

This is a creative business with a lot of technical stuff on top of that. Then there is the emotions of the customers and meeting every one's expectations. Having problems with fellow designers and contractors has added and extra layer that pushed me over the edge.

I have decided that I just need a little time off to find some inspiration. Even just not being here yesterday made me feel great. I actually worked on my new business plan. Just realizing that I do still love design made me feel like I am no longer on the fence. I can move forward and put my energy where I need it

Why am I always surprised by grief? If it doesn't come in the usual package I don't always see it. Losing a friendship and realizing my business partner and I don't want the same thing is a big loss. Even if I know I am better off it still hurts. I am no longer emotionally dead like I was before the program so I have to feel my feelings. What a bummer. It is why I have done all this work to be human.

Stuck in La La land

I am suppose to be working but feel I am still stuck in La La Land. I thought that having time off would get me to a place that I could start facing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not.

My spirit has other ideas today. My mind is giving me the business as usual. What is wrong with you?

This is your life we are talking here, you got to get moving!

In my younger years I could force myself to do just about anything no matter how much I hated it for as long as it took. Maybe after years and years of this I have had enough. It is a little scary to be like this and I wonder it some disaster might be waiting for me if I can't get myself to comply.

I am not sure how to restore myself and get my spirit back in the game. I thought 10 days off would be enough but maybe dealing with my family didn't give me time to find any joy.

My mind is saying right now, just grow up and get your butt in gear. Your an adult so act like one. Everyone has responsibilities, why do you think you're any different?

So I guess I better go an tackle a few things on the list or maybe I will go to the movies.

Picture from Mediabistro.com

Frogs and Maturity

I took two full days off in a row. I made myself unavailable only missed one crisis and that I have resolved already today. I feel better physically and spiritually.

Yesterday I chose to stay in the house because I have a guy tiling my upstairs bathroom. I am replacing the vanity and the floor. I decided to splurge and get this done because I want to get a roommate. The bathroom was carpeted. Yuck.

This is a daunting thought,getting a roommate, because I am an introvert but we will have to see what happens and who shows up. I think I can handle the right person. We shall see.

I painted two pictures of frogs yesterday for my neighbors kids. I have one to go. They are really colorful and funny. They will love it and I promise to post them before I give them away.

After my second trip to Lowes yesterday I decided to head to the movies. It was around 5:00 and I had no idea what was showing. I got a ticket for J Edgar and on my way to the theater I saw that Midnight in Paris was showing. I decided to change my mind. I had the theater to myself a private viewing and it was fabulous.

It was a great thought provoking movie. He is unsatisfied with his current life and has the opportunity to visit what he thinks would be the perfect time period to live in. Life is never completely satisfying no matter what time period you live in.

This was the weekend theme a clear message for me I got this several times. No matter who you are it is human nature to get stuck in a rut. I realize now when I am in crisis mode I don't have time to become dissatisfied I am just trying to stay a float.

What to do when there is no crisis to attend to. I think I try to create one not consciously but un-consciously. Maybe something small to give me some sense of urgency. I was thinking this might be more prevalent in creative people.

Since I have realized I have spent most my life thinking like a child. Waiting for other people to magically care about what I care about, which is always me. I want to do something different with the rest of my life. I don't want to stay in this waiting and wanting place forever. Constantly looking for answers. I need to find what gives me joy.

My spiritual search and program led me to peace but I want more. I want joy. I don't want to just be grateful that nothing bad is happening. It is good, after a crisis passes, to rest and restore but I don't want to fill that space with another crisis or bad relationship. I want to fill it with something I want, so I better find something quick.

First step, I joined a meetup group for artists and went to my first event Saturday. We turned trash to treasures. I turned an old lampshade into a cool new lampshade. It was joyful and lots of laughter and we were all playing. It was spiritual but in a way that didn't require any thought on my part whatsoever. Yeah!

Can I be mature and accept that life is just life and it will never measure up to the imaginary life in my head? Can I be mature and look for ways to keep things interesting for myself? Can I see that creating a crisis is just a way of entertaining myself and ultimately hurts me?

Feeling free and looking forward to finding joy after peace.

Picture from skiprade.com

A remembered sunset - Healing the past

I had a long jammed packed business day yesterday. It started earlier than usual and ended around 6:30. As I was driving home I crossed over the highway and saw the most spectacular sunset. The beauty actually brought tears to my eyes.

I thought it seemed somehow familiar to me so fiery and so many colors.

I realized that it looked like a sunset that I helped paint for a high school play. I think I told this story before when I was in a painful place. How the art teacher whom I idolized asked myself and another student to paint a sunset.

We were so thrilled an honored that she picked us to paint it. We stayed up all night and painted a bright orange sunset with every color you could imagine. The colors represented who we were inside, a little outrageous a little outside the box.

When the curtain came up she had gotten one of the more talented inside the box artist to paint a foggy gray sunset. I quit taking art classes after that. I respected her and figured I must not be good enough to be a real artist.

It took m 20 years to start painting with that same enthusiasm.

It wasn't personal I know that now. As a teenager I took to heart and held it there and then carried all those years. Seems absurd now it was just her opinion but then it was my opinion of myself that kept it alive.

Yesterday I thought there's my sunset with every color imaginable painted with abandonment by God for all the world to see. A bigger audience than any high school play would ever have.

Finding Joy - Super 8 - Letting go

I did some cleaning Sunday as part of my new slogan "Embrace it or get rid of it". I went through some photo albums of my first family vacation with my ex. I could see I was unhappy on that trip. I already felt trapped. I remember painting pottery. It was the one thing at the resort that I could get in to.

I know it was nobody's fault. I have hurried through my life without stopping and asking myself, what do I really want to do with my time? Opportunities just presented themselves and I said might as well because I didn't have a better plan.

It is easy to just accept what comes your way or just go with the flow. I discovered recently that I have to find out what is fun for me and try different things. Even if that means doing things alone or facing failure.

The first thing I discovered was that I like to go to the movies alone in the middle of the day. A big empty theater with gigantic sound thrills me. I like being alone doing this because I don't have to coordinate with anyone. I can just drive to the theater and see the next movie.

I saw Super 8 Imax yesterday. It was great and only five people in the theater. The Imax part was a splurge but worth it. How can such a simple thing as going to the movies in the middle of the day be so much fun.

I think I have spent my life making things run smoothly for the greater good and never felt appreciated. I didn't think I was doing for the appreciation I thought I was doing it to make the lives of others better but I neglected my own needs in the process.

This has been my life lesson up until now. I have repeated this over and over. I put my time and energy into something and I make it run perfectly. I am invisible and then I get dumped or fired depending on the situation. I am shocked every time.

This happens to everyone at some point but I think I for me the solution is to stop doing this at the expense of my own wants and needs. Before I didn't want to spend the energy finding out what those wants and needs were so I ended just taking care of the needs of others.

So now I am just going to look for the things that give me joy and not worry about keeping things together. Can I really do that? Can I give up feeling responsible for the happiness of others? Can I let what happens happen without interfering?

I might be surprise who steps up or how things work out if I let go. Wish me luck.

Riding a Horse

This is not another metaphor it is the real thing. I spent my life mostly working or accomplishing things the act of getting things done suits me well. I realized quite recently that it is not easy for me to do something just for entertainment.

I started to think of a few things I would like to try. A bucket list I guess you might say. It is short list at this point but on the list I put ride a horse. I rode one once when I was eight and that was it. It might sound silly but I when your task oriented time gets away from you. Always planning for others or taking care of the details of life.

I went to a silent auction on Friday night and there it was a one hour horseback riding lesson. I am broke right now but I was the starting bid of $20 the lesson a $40 value. I was the highest bidder and now I am going get to ride a horse.

I have been shut down to my own desires for most of my life. Few things have brought me true joy. The alcoholics I have been attracted to stirred something in me that made me feel more alive than I ever was on my own. That feeling was as close to joy as I thought I could get but of course it was fleeting. I was living through someone else and it was more of a distraction than real joy.

I didn't want to face the truth that I really didn't know who I was and maybe if I started looking for me no one would be there. I was boring and keeping up with the alcoholic was an adventure and I didn't have to acknowledge my real fear of being no one without someone.

I am still looking for me. I have really stopped just trying to fill my time with what is offered up. Hours of doing things I had no interest in doing because it was easier than being still or searching for my own joy.

I am taking a horseback riding lesson. I might hate it or maybe I will love it. Who knows maybe I will join the rodeo. At least I am trying something just for me.

Joy and Swimming

I was in a real funk yesterday overwhelmed with what felt like obstacles in my life. Swimming upstream is hard work but it is making me stronger even if I am not going any where. I met with a customer at the end of the day to present my designs. I enjoy this part more than any other part of my job coming up with ideas that surprise people.

The problems I am having are really internal. I am torn between pushing forward with the grand plan or cutting loose and running like hell. I go along fine for a few days and then I think oh my God you got to doing something to protect yourself. You got to go out and get another job. How can you just enjoy the day when things are crumbling around you? This is the conversation in my head. This is where I was at yesterday. I went home last night made some mac and cheese, something I have been making myself since I was five and not the box kind, and then promptly crawled into bed and watched American Idol. Then I watched Top Chef.

Seeing talented people always lifts my spirit. The idea that you are born with something special and you work on it until it shines so bright other people can see it. A joy that gives others joy.

I love design and it is my joy and I get to share it with others. The fact that I have to support myself just gets in the way of the process. If I didn't have to support myself I would totally do it for nothing. It is what I do in my spare time. It is what I think about when I watch a movie. It is my first thought when I go to a new restaurant.

Creating is as close to God as I think you can get. Taking raw materials and turning them into something completely different is as joyful as it gets. Whether that is with paint on canvas or words of poetry in a song it doesn't matter. Creating comes from the heart and not the head and it frees me the way nothing else does.

I especially like taking something that would be thrown away and coming up with another way to use it. It is recycled, it's purpose has come full circle. I have been recycled myself many times and this is what is happening now. I am reinventing myself. Looking at what works and what doesn't and making a new me.

What makes me crazy is the process takes time and I am impatient with the time table. It is the journey, right? When I show my customers the three D design I am already there in my mind that is why the presentation is a thrill. I can see it but then I have actually make it happen and I do and it always looks exactly like the three d picture. Spiritually I am at the picture stage and will have to wait until the process is complete to get to my destination. A moving target (God's little secret) I am afraid.

So I am up today and not bogged down in the reality of all the little steps that have to be taken on this new journey. I am just going to focus on what is in front of me and visualize the big picture.