Panic - Flow - Spiritual Awakening

I was planning on writing yesterday but had a little scare with my computer.  It crashed and wouldn't even turn back on.  I jumped into action and got dressed and drove to the Best Buy like a maniac.  When I got there the guy said well if it won't turn on then there is no hope.  He proceeded to plug it in and like magic it came on as if nothing was wrong with it.

I felt relieved of course but decided to start moving my stuff to another computer which took most of the day.  I have had that one so long that a few of the keys have stopped working but did that stop me? No.  I just bought a wireless key board. Why do something now when you can wait for a crisis to motivate you into a quick action.

I have to admit that I deleted a ton of stuff yesterday mostly pictured from hundreds of jobs I have done over the past 10 years.  It felt sad but liberating to purge the past. The only jobs on that computer were before the place I am working now. 

It did give me time to wallow in my personal photo past too.  Looking at the people who are no longer part of my life and letting that go again. Sometimes you are just there and you have to it ride out.  I was in a funk the rest of the day with my to do list left untouched feeling flat.

I woke up today feeling like a new person.  I watched Joel and his message was inspiring. He said once we ask for forgiveness the slate is clean. There is no need to mull over our past even to ourselves.  Rehashing the mistakes we made is something that we do to punish ourselves.  It isn't loving and kind to ourselves we need to move on and let go.

It was what I needed today because sometimes when I am alone I think "how did i get here?" and I want to blame myself for bad decisions I have made.  

I have done my best and I am alone because other people decided to move on and I was left behind.  Also I have decided to move on and left other people behind too. Sometimes holding on to something that doesn't work because it is better than nothing isn't good for anyone.

I had an spiritual awakening today with my own tears and forgiveness. In my mine I kept hearing "remember the date"  I wasn't sure what that was about until I remember that today is my mother's birthday.  I am sure she was smiling and consoling me through my tears. 

I have had a life that has dealt me some blows but I feel grateful that I am from sturdy spiritual stock and that I have chosen to search for strength through the pain.  I do believe that if you are open to it you can have a life that is divinely guided and you move with flow instead of against it. 

Finding a way out - Voices

This hasn't been a great week emotionally my friend suffered some sort of mental break and has been hospitalized.  It wasn't as bad as before and actually went to their counselor and agreed to go to a facility. I am going there today for the first time. 

The work week was my long week and it was pounding me every day and again I thought "how long can I do this?" but I do really love it and when you are busy you are efficient and have no choice but to stay in the zone.  By the end of the day Saturday I sat slumped at my desk staring at the screen trying to finish one last file.  I couldn't do it I just saved everything and left.  I went and had a good dinner and came home and crashed.

I feel wobbly today and decided to get dressed and leave the house.  I went to my favorite furniture consignment store but it was only 12 and they opened at 1.  I decided to drive to the used bookstore downtown and look for a bible.  I have had this thought on and off that maybe I should read the Bible as an adult and at least see if there is something new for me there.  I didn't need a Bible because I have a half dozen already but I wanted something besides the King James version.  I have a big credit at the used place so I picked up a couple of versions plus a couple of study guides.

I was raised on the Bible and know more than most about what it says or at least I think I do.  I was listening to Eckhart Tolle who I believed saved me with his teachings by explaining his own mental health issues.  How he separated his inner spiritual self from his stream of thoughts that had him living in fear.  Today the first Bible I opened and the first page I looked at said Eckhart on it  I thought this was a sign.  It was Meister Eckhart  c1260 - 1328 and evidently Eckhart Tolle changed his name to Eckhart after reading is teachings.  The living Eckhart during an interview I saw last night quoted the Bible and I didn't recognize the scripture and I thought I should do some studying. 

I know for a lot of people it is hard to be open minded about religion.  I was indoctrinated from birth and that indoctrination made me strong but the people who were suppose to love me and take care of me abandoned me in the name of Jesus so I rejected the church.  I have investigated a lot of different beliefs and they are really the same at the core.  The oldest religions say the same thing as Christ "do unto to others as you would have them do unto you".  It is kindness, understanding and love that leads us to a better place.

I ended my running around today back at the consignment store.  I saw a 60's orange leatherette chair but I resisted and left it.  I walked next door to the antiques store where I started feeling really sad.  They were playing music from the 70's Baby Boomer music and I thought "I am old" and all this stuff belongs to people who are no longer around".  I was born the last year of the Baby Boomers and I do love that 70's music but I felt tears come to my eyes. After my mother died there was no one to stop us from listening to the devil's music.

I feel lucky that I am not in a hospital but I can understand how people get there.  Sometimes we just can't cope with this life with all it's changes.  When things don't turn out the way you imagined them to then you have to decide where to go from there.  Your mind is always looking for a solution a way to get away from feeling so uncomfortable.  The voice in your head says I can't do this it is too hard and sometimes will take over your mind. 

This happened to me and I am a strong person but too many changes happened at once.  I can't say how I came out of it but it is a miracle. I come from a long line of strong headed hard working people who never give up.  This is the benefit of good genes and my religious upbringing.  I somehow knew there was a way out if I could wait until tomorrow maybe I could figure it out so I waited and little by little I got better.

Today I don't have the negative voice in my head and I don't believe every thought that I have anymore. I do believe in the "Power of Now" and know that if I feel sad and weepy at the store then it is okay and it will pass.

I believe that we have a spiritual core that if we can quiet the mind we find peace.  You can call that the holy spirit or inner spirit it doesn't matter. 

 I am resting and taking care of myself for the next 24 hours.  No work until Tuesday.

What is going on? Spritual Awakening

I have spent a lot time alone this holiday. Being alone shows me exactly where I am emotionally and ultimately spiritually.  I have been doing some writing this weekend about my childhood journey and my mother's sickness.  The writing started out very objective but scene after scene that I relived started to feel physically heavy to me and I wanted to run. Could I still have emotions tied to something so long ago? The running is really the painful part not actually feeling the emotions.

In an attempt to run emotionally I actually decided to physically run on my treadmill.  Now you know this is definitely a desperate way to avoid having feeling when you would rather exercise. At first it really worked focused and sweating I was moving fast.  Then the old song I think it is called What's Going On started to play.  When the emotions came to the surface tears streamed down my face.

I am writing about a little girl who was living in a household where something was wrong but no one was talking about it. Even when it was obvious that there was a secret and things were happening but it was clear to me that I shouldn' ask questions so I didn't.

We were told that if you don't speak the words of faith that the miracle you are looking for will certainly not happen. If we doubted that God would heal my mother then she wouldn't be healed.  I took that to heart and assumed that she would be healed because that is what I was told.

When she died I couldn't understand how that could have happened.  During the years of her sickness I learned how to be autonomous. Before her sickness I was the problem child demanding with ADD and an endless stream of ideas and questions about everything. When she got sick I learned to take care of my own needs and stay out of the way as much as possible. Be helpful or be invisible if I could. Even before she was sick my life was easier when I entertained myself alone in my room or in the basement.  I didn't get in trouble or get whippings and everyone seem happier especially my mother when I stayed out of the way..

I have felt like that throughout my life and during extreme periods of pain and sadness I especially didn't want to be a burden to anyone. Until writing about this time in my life this weekend I didn't really see that this is how I came to be who I am now and why I don't reach out. Why the only person I have ever really trusted with my emotions was ex husband and that ended with him running away screaming.

People like strong people and I have been strong since those early days in the basement. My sister recently told me that when she was leaving for college at 17 she didn't want to leave me with my stepmother and I said to her "don't worry I will be fine I can take of myself."  In her mind this gave her permission to not worry about me.  She was telling this story saying "you said I could go."  I was twelve and evidently had the authority to do that.

I am not a fan of re hashing the past like I am doing in this blog today but sometimes when you have spaces in your life and you don't try to fill them with some kind of entertainment even exercise you can have a spiritual awakening that can cause you to cry while running on a treadmill.

I can see where the idea that I should take care of myself came from and why I believe everyone should be responsible for themselves and work through their own problems. I have helped a lot of people along the way realizing they weren't like me autonomous but something happen and I have grown tired.  I take take care of myself  and try not to be a burden to anyone.

I know this is wrong and that I do need emotional support and I need to support others.  I will see where this thinking leads me.