Getting rid of excess - From the inside out.

Since I have awakened from my slumber it has occurred to me that I am behind. I really want to get my life in order. I have done the spiritual part and now I need to tackle the physical world.

It seems everything needs to either cleaned or fixed or thrown out. I was looking at my clothes and thinking, have I really been wearing this stuff? Everything is dingy and worn and the whites aren't exactly white anymore. Where have I been and just how long was I gone? It is hard to believe I am really back for good this time.

I am also working on cleaning a organizing the showroom and office. I went in on Sunday to tackle my office and one display. I am clearing out the almost 40 years of accumulated stuff. The former owner never threw anything away. Everything has the potential to be re-purposed. I get that I am like to re-purpose things myself. But some things are just trash.

We have a huge attic full of scraps and old cabinets. Once while he was on vacation we took two dumpster full of stuff out. Moved the newer stuff to the front. He never noticed. I felt bad for about a second then got over it.

I was feeling a little bit like a martyr on Sunday but it was my choice and since I have been asleep so long it feels good to just work hard. I was exhausted Sunday night and had some aches and pains. I took yesterday off and decided not to have any agenda.

I made a big pot of soup with dumplings and invited a friend over for a quick meal. I knew he was headed to a class and wouldn't stay too long. I wanted to be alone and enjoy being awake in my new house. I am so happy to myself again and to be comfortable alone. I can't really say my old self because that person is gone I am really a new and improved version.

I not scared or scarred anymore. I feel light as a feather and stronger than ever. When your walking through the dessert you aren't really sure just how long the journey is and since it all looks the same you can't image there is an end. But I am here to tell you to just hang in there nothing last forever.

I feel gratitude and abundance today. Since I surrendered the work situation I have had non-stop customer. Sunday while I was working I turned the open light on and a couple came in that needs a new kitchen. I looked pretty grungy but they didn't seem to mind.

Life is good.

Everything is coming together

I like this time of year. I will miss the daylight as the days get shorter but I always feel energized by the changes in weather. I don't feel guilty for staying in and tackling long over due chores.

I started today with an early customer appointment before opening the showroom. I had another appointment scheduled for noon that I knew was going to be a handful. I called the owner and ask him if he could come in for a few hours as back up. He agreed.

When he arrived we did a little catching up and I told him that I missed our long spiritual talks. I also told him that I was much more productive without all the jawing. Truthfully there is no way I could have kept up with the work load and entertained him like I use to.

We are a like in many ways and sometimes that scares me. He has worked hard most his life and I think is finally happy to turn the business over to someone. He will be 80in a couple of weeks. I hope I will not be working until I am 80. I want to have a more balanced life.

He told me he got a call from a woman he has been helping on an off throughout the years. She is in and out of AA and rehab her husband the same. He had a stroke a few years ago and is in a wheelchair. She called him recently to say she is having terrible dreams about demons and ask him to take her confession and pray for her. He did and then told her to go back to AA.

I told him I didn't know if I believed in demons but I do believe in negative thoughts and the energy that goes along with them. It seems to me that every time I am about to have an spiritual breakthrough I go as low as I can go.

The day on the porch when my depression lifted. The voice said to me you are doing this to yourself. An inner battle between total freedom and wanting my life to be over. Is it that simple? Is it chemical? Something inside of me did not want to let go of the pain even if it meant my life was over. Is this a spiritual battle with ones own ego. The self with the self or something else.

I was telling him this story and my eyes filled with tears. Recalling the grace I felt that day which seems like a million years ago now, even though only a few months. I chose life that day on the porch a spiritual awakening that saved my life. The god of my understanding freeing me from the hell my own thoughts had created.

Since that day everything has been flowing in my direction. The universe is conspiring to fulfill all my dreams. Work is busy and two of my friends that are designers have called me and want to come work with me. I talked it over with my partner and she seems open to it.

The owner is happy being at home watching football and coming to the rescue when we need him. It all seems to be coming together for us. I feel it took letting go to finally get it. I am free today and enjoying every minute of it.

The future meets the past

I watch a lot of TV it is a habit sometimes good and sometimes not. I watch shows that I record mostly about design or other creative things. I am a night owl and have a lot of time on my hands. Lately this habit of watching TV has become monotonous.

Sometimes I force myself to shut it off and see what happens. Mentally the thought of actually taking on a project or even focusing on a book seems like too much effort. Occasionally in the wee hours I practice some yoga stretches to pass the time.

The other night I decided to turn the TV off and sit in my studio. I put on some old music by Lucinda Williams. I heard one of her songs on a show I was watching last week and I missed her.

Her music is pretty dark and I listened to it a lot when my marriage ended more than a decade ago. I saw her live a few years ago and she was so wasted she was reading the words of her own songs from a book on the podium. She kept starting over. The crowd was supportive and most were just as wasted. It was sad.

I could relate to the pain in her songs back then. Songs about people she had lost in her life. I felt addiction had taken my husband from me. Those wounds have long been healed and it actually made me feel good to not be affected by that music anymore.

That night I was feeling free to began again a fresh start. It reminded me of when I was 17 and rented first studio apartment. By that time in my life I had already lived in my friends garage and my alcoholic uncles spare room. The latter ended when he hocked my clock radio and stero to buy booze. He said the neighbors came in a stole the items. Nice.

The apartment was about the size of my art studio is now but it was a refuge from the crazy people that had been in charge of my life. I didn't even have electricity the first few weeks but that didn't matter I was free. I knew I was gonna make it. I didn't know how but I knew I would. That is how I feel now.

I have been afraid for a long time. I had lost the confidence I had in myself for awhile. I had gotten use to thinking I knew what the future held for me and when that changed suddenly I couldn't accept it.

I went down into that black hole of resistance and stayed there until I was sick of it. I didn't want to start over. I felt I didn't have it in me. It wasn't fair I didn't deserve it. Who does? It happens all the time.

When I look back on my life I can see I have had a strong spirit. I have faced many challenges and nothing ever stopped me from moving forward. I just didn't want to do it again. I don't know what I thought I could do about it as long as I was breathing what choice did I have?

You can't ever know how things will turn out in life. Just when you think you got it all figured out something happens. If we want to live rolling with the punches is the only real choice we have.

Digging in doesn't change the facts of the situation. Letting go of something we have no control over anyway, isn't much of a sacrifice when you think about it. The time it takes to let go is up to us and in the end it is quite humbling and freeing at the same time.

Suffering - Passing it on

I have had some tough times in my life and I always think once I come out on the other side I wonder what was the point? Sure I learned something a huge growth opportunity but is that it?

Yesterday I had the opportunity to use my experience to help a friend. My depression mixed with instant menopause took me to places emotionally I had never been before. Walking around day after day not wanting to be alive is hard to explain to the average person.

Usually you can trace the sadness and suicidal thoughts back to a specific thought. I am familiar with grief we are old friends but what I felt was more like I don't want to be in my body. In the mirror was a total stranger nothing familiar and the physical pain that went along with it is was unbelievable. No trace of the person I was before.

I spent the day with a friend who is going through the same thing. She said she was staying away from other people because she couldn't put on a brave face. She said her body ached so bad she has started taking pain pills. I told her at one point I hurt so bad I thought I had bone cancer. Every night I had heart palpitations and I finally decided to get my heart checked. Nothing showed up on the test.

This is the part of menopause that no one really tells you about. Sure you hear all the stories on women doing crazy things or being angry all the time but no ones says that there is sometimes a lot of physical pain. Joints ache to be specific. It feels like you coming down with the flu.

The pain I experienced was mostly at night no matter how I layed on the bed it hurt. This along with the bazaar thoughts not wanting to be alive really makes you unsure of everything you thought you knew about yourself. You will do just about anything to escape how bad that feels.

My friend said she went to the doctor and he told her to up her anti-depressants. I told her to go get her hormones tested. I would have done this if I had known but I was lost in what I thought was grief and that was partially true. Even though it wasn't the grief I was familiar with but I am hard headed and didn't want to ask for help.

I didn't want to tell her my pain lasted three years and hers won't because I am making her go to a hormone doctor. When my mind started to clear I realized that sometimes that the bad thoughts coincided with a wave of heat in my body. This was helpful because I knew the thought was not real and not to take it seriously.

Since this started in my mid forties no one thought it could really be "the change" and thought it was the break up. Hind sight is always 20/20.

I do think that this is a time in a woman's life for evaluation. You have no desire to play by the rules even if you are the one that created them. Your emotions are right on the surface and survival is the only thing on your mind.

My neighbor said his wife up and left him practically overnight. She came back a few years later and apologized and wanted him back. It was too late and he had moved on.

I say all this to help anyone out there that feels they might truly be losing it or they know someone close to them that seems like a stranger now. It tested everything I thought I knew about myself. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and there was no escaping those feelings.

The contractor that told me that I seemed like a totally different person than I was six months ago, was right. I am not the same person.

Being able to pass on my experience and help someone else does make me feel a little better.

Resentments - Resolutions - Responsibilities

In the program I have learned a lot about my part in every situation. When I got here I was a martyr a victim of every situation in my life. I had no choice but to go along with whatever life dished out to me. But now I know every moment I can choose again. I can look at just about any situation and see the possibilities for growth.

I resolved the cleaning issue at work this week. I went out to lunch with my partner and she was telling me all she does at home is clean house. She and her husband and child moved back in with her parents when the economy tanked.

I asked her if this was why she didn't feel she needed to help me keep the showroom clean. She said yes that was part of it. She said we should pay someone and I ask her what she thought it was worth each month and she said a $200.00.

I said great I will pay myself $200.00 to keep the showroom clean. I am doing it for nothing now and this will eliminate the resentment I have thinking she should be helping.

Resentments only happen when we are doing something we thinks someone else should be doing or we think no one sees or appreciates what we do.

For me this is really a need to be validated. My worth is based on how valuable I am to other people. Then I get all indignant when people are caught up in their own lives and aren't paying me any attention.

I have to do things because I want to them or because it is the right thing to do with no strings attached. If I get my self worth from opinions good or bad my life will be a roller coaster depending on the moods of the people closest to me.

If they are having a great day and feeling generous giving me all kinds of compliments I feel high as a kite. If the next day someone cuts them off in traffic and they take it out on me then I feel low. I use to think this was always about me.

This is why I ended up in the spot light of the alcoholic in my life. In the beginnig I was the star and center stage and it was fantastic. It filled me up because I was empty and needed constant validation. But the light moved on and I was devastated. I did everything to try to get it back.

I blamed it on the drinking but really it was because the drinking took the spot light from me. I wanted to be the main attraction and I lost my place. I did crazy things to try to bring him back to me. When the pain reach epic proportions I had no where to go and ended up in my first meeting.

I have learned that it is good to be valued and loved by others but not as important ant a valuing and loving ourselves. If we can do this it takes the pressure of the people we love to do what is best for them and eliminates resentments. It has taking me a long time to grow up and see that I can only know what is best for myself and everyone else is entitled to do the same.

It is possible to live and let live. It is possible to finally see that I am not the center of anyone elses universe but my own.

The last of it - Shredding the past

I spent Monday cleaning my office and going through yet more paperwork. Old Wills, old emails, old bills, receipts and pictures. This is the last of it though. The final big push. The past is being cleared out one piece of paper or one picture at at time.

I took some joy in discovering yet more old pictures of me and my ex. We were both too fat and I could see I was miserable. I shredded those pictures one by one and it felt pretty good. Then towards the end of the day the voice in my head started down that path. You know the one that says it is your fault and look where you are now. Alone.

I kept moving and when I felt I couldn't do it one more minute I called my sponsor. Of course she said to let it go be grateful for what you have learned. I have never wanted to go back but I have been too afraid to really move forward either, I wasn't ready until now. This is what the cleaning is about.

I remember this same feeling before. You just want to be done with all the pain and suffering. You just want to start over with a clean slate. I have changed my looks and I am starting to change my house. I feel really strong again a new me.

I packed up three boxes of books to donate. I thought, did I really buy those books. Maybe I did who knows. Books are my weakness so it is nice to make room for more.

So it is the end of a really terrible time in my life and I am relieved to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. Looking at all that stuff really brought home just how sick I was for nearly three years. It seemed like a decade.

I thought, what a waste of time. Time that I can never get back. I guess I had to be there for as long it took. Maybe in the future I will look back and understand better. I am free to start over now and that is what I plan to do.

Sleeping Beauty - I want to lay down

I was wondering about Sleeping Beauty if after a few years of being awake did she think it was worth it. Maybe she had a house full of kids and Prince Charming was off doing what he always did. Traveling throughout the kingdom being admired by his fans. His fans didn't have to pick up his dirty socks every day.

Life is never how we think it will be and even if it is we aren't always as happy as we thought we would be when we got there. Why is that? In my old life I had everything most people wished for. I didn't complain ever but I wasn't happy. I didn't even know I wasn't happy I thought I just needed more gratitude.

Day by day year by year I began to disappear. The things the once brought me joy started to feel like heavy chains around my neck. I tried to create a family with someone else's family and mixed in my program family for good measure. I seemed like it was working but then I realized I was more like cruise director than a family member.

I would often find myself alone in the kitchen after cooking a big meal cleaning up. I didn't even mind that I enjoyed the solitude of the cooking and the cleaning. It just wasn't what I was trying to achieve I wanted to feel the connection of family. I thought I could create that bringing us all together.

When the relationship was over I never heard from any of my ex's family and my friends from the program were happy they didn't have to deal with them anymore. It was my dream I was trying to create and everyone was just going along for the ride.

My search for this connection has lead me to the same type of relationships over and over. The addictive relationship or something similar. When I was the bright shining star in some one's life for a time, but my shininess always wears off and something more shiny catches their eye.

I understand this type of personality because I am like that too, but I just change jobs or find a new hobby. It is loyalty that makes me stay whether I am happy or not. I don't want to be the bad guy.

It is the intensity of the start of those kinds of relationships that filled my own void and the fact that I wasn't enough, just as I am, in my own heart. The void cannot be filled from the outside and it is a lifetime commitment to fill it from the inside.

You can never go back once you have been awakened to the truth that only you can make yourself happy. Only you can make yourself feel secure no matter what is going on.

I now find that a comfort and it frees me to just find something to do today that brings me joy rather than trying to create whatever I think will make me happy in the future and the future never comes. Isn't that ironic?

When I think of sleeping beauty I know the only truly perfect moment is the one when their lips touch and she is not quite awake yet.