I spent Monday cleaning my office and going through yet more paperwork. Old Wills, old emails, old bills, receipts and pictures. This is the last of it though. The final big push. The past is being cleared out one piece of paper or one picture at at time.
I took some joy in discovering yet more old pictures of me and my ex. We were both too fat and I could see I was miserable. I shredded those pictures one by one and it felt pretty good. Then towards the end of the day the voice in my head started down that path. You know the one that says it is your fault and look where you are now. Alone.
I kept moving and when I felt I couldn't do it one more minute I called my sponsor. Of course she said to let it go be grateful for what you have learned. I have never wanted to go back but I have been too afraid to really move forward either, I wasn't ready until now. This is what the cleaning is about.
I remember this same feeling before. You just want to be done with all the pain and suffering. You just want to start over with a clean slate. I have changed my looks and I am starting to change my house. I feel really strong again a new me.
I packed up three boxes of books to donate. I thought, did I really buy those books. Maybe I did who knows. Books are my weakness so it is nice to make room for more.
So it is the end of a really terrible time in my life and I am relieved to do a little spring cleaning in the fall. Looking at all that stuff really brought home just how sick I was for nearly three years. It seemed like a decade.
I thought, what a waste of time. Time that I can never get back. I guess I had to be there for as long it took. Maybe in the future I will look back and understand better. I am free to start over now and that is what I plan to do.