Mind over matter - honey

When I was young I was a bed wetter. It was humiliating to have sleep overs at friends. My mother would call and let their mother know to protect the mattress just in case.

They really couldn't figure out why it was happening. I had surgery but nothing changed.

One night my mother came to me with a jar of honey. She said that a spoon full of honey before bed time would prevent any accidents. I loved honey so I was happy to give it a try.

It was a miracle I stopped wetting the bed almost overnight. Was it the honey or the belief in the honey. I think the latter.

Suggestions are powerful and I trusted what my mother said. I still love honey especially mixed into full fat yogurt. It is as good as ice cream and as a bonus keeps me from wetting the bed.

Finding Wholiness - Potter tales

I haven't got much time before I have to leave for an appointment across town so I will attempt to write something brief.

I think I mention that I went to see the final Harry Potter movie one afternoon last week. It was serious and dismal compared the earlier ones. I guess as Harry got older life became more complicated and serious. Where is the fun in that?

At the end the school was in shambles. Then years later they were sending their own kids to school there. They never showed the school restored and as a designer I felt cheated.

The other night I watched the first movie and Dumbledore the wizard was explaining to Harry about the magic mirror. He said it shows what you long for in Harry's case his dead parents. They were right there in the mirror and Harry became obsessed at looking at the mirror.

Dumbledore told him that a healthy person would only see himself standing alone in the mirror, wanting nothing.

Shopping carts and life on the edge - Acceptance

I am in charge of my cousins trust because she is somewhat disabled emotionally. She gets a check twice a month and by the time the day ends she has nothing left.

I have her rent an utilities paid directly so all that is left is food and cable. She receives enough money to live comfortably for the rest of her life but she lives like she was homeless yesterday.

This time last year I helped her to find a new apartment. She was living in a house in a rough part of town. Her husband was in jail and she couldn't keep the place up. I with my good intentions found her an apartment with all the amenities for less than what she was paying. The first visit she had put blankets over all the windows and didn't want to sleep in her new bed.

It all went down hill from there. The day after her check arrived she would be broke and proceeded to beg the neighbors for money. Bottom line it has been a year and they ask her to move.

Today was the last day she had to get out. When I went by her old place today she was cleaning and in her apartment she had three shopping carts. She hadn't plan to even clean it until I called her this morning. The apartment is destroyed and they will bill her for damages.

I found her a new home that caters to the odd and down trodden. It is a small complex and I didn't have to co-sign the lease. She has been there a couple of weeks and has made new friends and fed most of the complex. She fits in better.

I tried to get her to move there the first time but she was excited about the other place. With this place the grocery store is across the street, it is on a bus line and there is a church near by.

You have to work with what you got. Her parents were millionaires but her mother, my aunt, was a control freak and demanded perfection. She was adopted and already had emotional issues and then placed in a home with more problems. Her brother had more potential but couldn't take the pressure either and became an alcoholic.

She was on the streets a lot in her life and prefered that to living at home. She is 55 now and seems pretty happy with the way things are.

I don't blame my aunt her life was no picnic either and she never got past her own pain. She did what she thought was best but it wasn't that great for anyone else in her life.

Her kids at least will never have to live on the streets even if that is where they are the most comfortable.

Passing storms dead plants and worms

I worked in the yard yesterday taking care of some long forgotten dead potted plants. I was forcing myself to just be still where I am, without giving thought to anything but the moment. That didn't totally work.

A friend had given me five flats on dwarf mondo grass six months ago. Her daughters nursery was closing and they were going to pitch them out. I knew how expensive they are because my ex and I had paid for a landscaping plan that called about a hundred of them. We never filled in the patch because even then we thought they were too expensive.

I thought wow free mondo grass. I wanted them but really didn't have a place for them in my new life, but took them anyway. In my depression I never got them planted. They have been dead for months an unidentified plants have sprouted up through the pots.

When I dumped the pots they each had worms in them so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

The whole thing made me think of how at one point in your life you can really want something and then by the time it shows up you really have no use for it. You have changed, your life has changed and you really can't remember why it was so important in the first place.

I have accepted that a lot went to waste while I was away emotionally. I feel like I am cleaning up after a storm. Happy that the storm has finally passed and ready to face the mess it left behind.

A Voyeur considering facing the final dragon

I have had some news today that would normally rock my world and it did but only for a minute. I don't think I want to share that here at this moment. Nevertheless I needed a distraction so I went out to facebook to see what I could find.

Being fully awake in my life now I want to see everything just as it is. Since I have given up my story of being a girl without a family and started actually trying to have a relationship the part of my family still alive I decided to check my half sisters facebook page.

She posted a picture of our Dad with her from her wedding day. His big smiling face and her in her movie star (judgement or observation?) wedding gown. She noted that she missed him. I am her friend on facebook so I gave the picture a thumbs up.

She had a different life than me and her mom was always about the way things looked rather than what is on the inside. I didn't go to the wedding I couldn't have dealt with that whole scene.

You see it has always been about me. Locked in my own pain walking around expecting someone to understand me heal me be there for me. Stuck in a childs emotional mind.

Don't get me wrong I had to be there for as long as it took. So now what do I do about my little sister? Can I reach out and test the waters? If I mend what is broken then I will have to face my final dragon, her mother.

Her mother was the first person I encounter that I thought was pure evil. I know now it isn't true (first I wrote is true, a Freudian slip) and it wasn't personal. She is old now and has been pretty miserable most of her life. My Dad loved her unconditionally just as he did my own mother.

I have gotten over her emotionally and at my Dad's house after his funeral she actually said how much they both had loved me. REALLY! I knew my issues were with my Dad and loyalty so I never considered her as the real problem. But when I was under her rule life was no picnic.

If I want to be more than just a thumbs up on facebook it will include her mother. Can I do that now? A test of my no baggage lifestyle. Maybe.

We do have the same blood flowing through our veins. She is family. Can I see past the labels I have given her and see her without judgement.

We'll see only time will tell.

Changing my mind - A wizards way

I have been reading a Deepak Chopra book The Way of the Wizard passed on to me by a friend. I find that when the messages come they come all at the same time. I know I have been harping on labels and changing our own minds but it has really been the key to freedom for me.

In the book it talks about how when we see someone or something we see it with all our past baggage attached to it. The simple example was a tree. We drive by them each day with think oh there is a tree. I know what a tree looks like and that is the image from the past we bring up. We don't look at the actual tree standing before us which is different than it was yesterday.

If we do that with the people in our lives how will we ever see the changes. I know when someone acts a certain way I expect them to be that way every time. My expectations are fulfilled so that reinforces the situation for the next time.

If I meet someone like it is the first time every day without my own baggage, instead of waiting for them to prove me wrong, maybe I can see the changes they are making.

I remember early in the program when I stopped focusing on changing someone else or in my mind an impossible situation by some miracle it took care of itself. Time and time again this worked when I stopped seeing what expected to see.

With my depression gone I have been able to let go of the fear and trust that it will all work out. Sometimes it seems like magic.

I am planting today

Is this a coincidence or not? Do you believe in signs, I do. Today these words of wisdom crossed my path two different ways and I thought maybe God was trying to tell me something.

Seths Blog

The naive farmer farms as his parents, grandparents and great grandparents did. She plants, hopes and harvests. Anything that goes well or poorly is the work of the gods.

The professional farmer measures. She tests. She understands how systems work and is constantly tweaking to improve them. When failure happens, she doesn't rest until she understands why.

Today Ennegram

By planting the right crop in the right place in the right season, the farmer brings harmony to the cultivation of plants, and prosperity to his family.

Similarly, any business must adjust to the natural cycles of the season; only through flexibility and adaptation can order and growth be maintained.

We are suddenly real busy in fact last night the other designer had an appointment in the showroom. With the lights on some customers stop in around 7:30.

It feels great to have things moving again and a full plate. I took today's messages to mean carefully plant and tend to your garden. Be wise in what your planting for the future and tend to what has already been planted.

Off to work.