What will they think of me? - The color of life

My sister and two of her kids are coming to visit me next month the first time in 24 years.  I have a lot of ideas about the reason why she hasn't visited but they are coming.  I decided to redo my upstairs bedrooms with paint and new drapes an over all face lift.

In the old days I would do something like this because I would be worried about what they think. Today I am doing it because it gives me an excuse to stop neglecting the upstairs. After my roomate moved out a few years ago I haven't really done anything to it. It has become a bone yard of spare furniture and lamps.

The room I worked on yesterday was originally painted cake batter yellow with one citrus green wall. Today the room is white with a midnight blue accent wall. It looks amazing but I am completely sore from my marathon painting job and I am not sure I can work on it today.  I hope I have enough energy to hang the drapes that will bring the room together.

I had the whole house painted before I moved in.  I chose the pallete that I had in my former house since I was too shocked to make any other choices.  Most of the walls were the cake batter color with light accent walls. Since then the down stairs has been repainted white with deep accent walls. Ironically the house was white when I bought it but it seemed too stark and un -familiar for me to leave it white. I wanted it to feel like home.

I believe our space directly affect how we feel about our lives especially color.  It also affect the commitment we have made to where we are at that moment.  If we are planning to stay or if we look like we just moved in or could pack up and leave at any moment. Chaos in the mind is always reflected in our spaces.  I am happy to see that I have come along way.

For my particular situation I rejected this house and this new life I was forced into. This was not home and I refused to treated as if it was.  My previous home I thought I would be there for life and I was dug in even if I wasn't happy. I look at the color choices I made for some upholstered chairs they were so drab and lifeless.  I think "who was that person/"

Over the years  as I have gotten better and healed those places inside myself that I thought were permanent my house has begun to change too. Room by room things have gotten lighter I am no longer stuck in the darkness. Even though the midnight blue is dark it is contrasted by the brightest white.

When we are locked in our minds and our troubles we aren't living in the physical world any longer. We are a body walking around doing what we have to do to get by. Life is an interruption to our thinking process and we can only deal with the crisis in our minds. We have to see that the problems can't be solved with more thought. We have let go of the fear our minds have created and be free.

We want to be free to be available for the people that need us now not is some imaginary future when we have all the problems straighten out. We need to be there for ourselves physically and emotionally not just mentally.  We need to comfort and take care of the child within that is waiting for us to notice them. It is time to come back to the present.

That was a little heavy in the end there but it reflects what it has taken me a lifetime to learn.  Today I can just focus on the fact that the relationship between my sister and I have healed enough that she is coming to visit and I am happy about that.  She has found out in the past few months that we are more alike than diffent and life is short and the only time we have is now.  I have no expectations.

It is the small stuff - Thinking bigger

Sometimes in life some small thing happens and it triggers a wave of emotions and thought that sends your life in different direction. This happened this week. It seems on the surface something silly but in truth is represents exactly where I am in my life right now.

Naturally it has to do with design.  I found some unusual chairs that I thought would be great for my dining table.  I don't really need them but they were a deal.  The store allowed me to take them overnight to see if they would work. 

When I got home from work I was so exited I called my friend who lives on my street and said hey I really want you to come and look at these chairs and tell me what you think. I have to return them in the morning. 

The answer I got was "I am reading can you send me a picture?"  This little moment made me realize just how limited my support system is and that something has to change. Of course my next thought is that I have caused this I have let a lot of people go in my life and that has left me a small group of people to fill what few needs I do have. 

I don't have big needs any more I am not looking for someone to fill a huge void in my life but someone that would be kind to me and give me a little support.  A relationship of give and take that celebrates the friendship.

I am the kind of friend that would do just about anything for anyone of my friends that ask. It would be nice if I thought that this could or would be reciprocated in some way if I needed it to be.  This kind of thinking has hurt me in the past and I thought I had rid myself of these kinds of expectations. 

I survived my life by being autonomous leaving me with the appearance from the outside of not needing anyone.  I have surrounded myself with autonomous people but I am willing to admit that I do have needs and I do have feelings.

This all may sound like no big thing so what my friend wasn't interested in me or excited about something I am excited about.  It tells me I have to change my life and do more reaching out.

I haven't been able to support anyone these past few years.  I was all used up and needed to heal myself but I have done that and I am ready for something more.

I can't undo the past or retrieve those friends I lost along the way but I can make an effort to expand my world. It is too small now and I have to think bigger. 

Expectations - Peace and the joy of a nap

I felt overwhelmed and exhausted yesterday and left work at 5PM, went home and crawled into bed. It was an hectic day and I thought I was going to be alone in the office but instead and parade of people, not customers, were coming an going.

My partner had texted me that she wasn't coming in because her mom couldn't keep her daughter. I had and expectation of quietly accomplishing everything on my list. This did not happen and I ended up in a swirl all day with no food.

The air was being fixed. How many people does it take to fix an air condition? They fixed it on Monday and then it was decided that if we are going to cage the two units that a slab must be poured to accommodate both units and to be able to affix the $800 large welded cage being built to protect the $20 worth of copper inside the unit. It makes me tired just writing that.

After I woke up from my nap I made myself a burger. A rare thing for me to have fresh food in the house especially meat. I had some squash and then grapes for dessert and watched my favorite show Idol. I felt like I was on vacation.

I did get a call from my friend that I painted with on Monday. She was concerned that I left suddenly that afternoon. She thought is was something she said. As I was driving home that day it did occur to me that she might think that.

I use to think like that that everyone was always reacting to something I did or said. I sadly found out that everyone is really just thinking about what is going on in their own head and their moods rarely have anything to do with me. I am only the center of my own universe.

I explained to her that I finished my painting and felt too tired to start something new and went home and took a nap. It is allergy season and I have a lot on my plate these days. I haven't been able to nap the last 4 years. During menopause you are just happy to sleep at night. But I am returning to normal and the joy of a nap has returned.

I finished the evening with an hour of yoga and Pride and Prejudice. I bought the book a long time ago and never read it. After watching "You've got mail" a half a dozen times it occurred to me that I had the book and decided to see if it could hold my attention. Not an easy job. Tom Hank and Meg Ryan read it together in the movie.

The past 4 years I also haven't been able to do any recreational reading either. I was only interested in reading spiritual text. I was surviving day by day and wasn't interested in fiction for fun. It seems I am past that now and getting comfortable with the person I have become and the life I have now.

In my post yesterday I was writing about the voice in my head never ceasing. That isn't really true anymore for me. Sometimes it is eerily quiet in there with little or no commentary. I didn't think that was possible and it had taken a bit of time to get use to to it. I think they call that peace.

It feels good to be happy again and feel like I can handle life's normal ups and downs. It was exhausting living on the edge and I thought it would never end. Peace at last.

Photo aplacetolovedogs.com

Expectations - How low can they go?

I was riding to lunch with my partner the other day and we were talking about expectations. I told here she would be happier if she lowered her expectations. She thought that was the most ridiculous thing she had heard. Why should she lower her standards.

I didn't really get into all the reasons why but I remembered how miserable I was before the program taught me about the perils of expectations. I was so self-righteous and indignant about how people acted and treated me.

It was all about me and every time something didn't go my way I took it as a personal attack. I knew what was best and if they would listen they would be better off. I had to learn the hard way that nothing is really about me. What a blow to my ego.

It has taken me many years to see just how self-absorbed I am, still working on that. I hid it well behind my good deeds and martyrdom. It was part of my facade to be the victim in my life. The regular people help to keep this delusion going by agreeing with how badly you are being treated.

This doesn't work with people in the program. No one lets you be the victim anymore. Besides it is really time consuming and draining to talk about your woes all the time. I had a lot woes and luckily my sponsor was a patient woman and would regularly tell me to get off the pity potty.

I can admit it is still all about me. The difference is that now I know that it is like that for everyone. We are the center of our own universe and like it or not no one is really thinking that much about anyone but themselves. They got their own universe to manage and I will never be the center of theirs.

How did I get off the subject of expectations, I am not sure I really did. Life is nothing but one big expectation and this is what makes us unhappy not getting that expectation met.

Our expectation assumes that we have the best plan and other people just need to get on board. Because don't they want happy like I am. How do we know we have the best plan, we don't.

Changing my mind - A wizards way

I have been reading a Deepak Chopra book The Way of the Wizard passed on to me by a friend. I find that when the messages come they come all at the same time. I know I have been harping on labels and changing our own minds but it has really been the key to freedom for me.

In the book it talks about how when we see someone or something we see it with all our past baggage attached to it. The simple example was a tree. We drive by them each day with think oh there is a tree. I know what a tree looks like and that is the image from the past we bring up. We don't look at the actual tree standing before us which is different than it was yesterday.

If we do that with the people in our lives how will we ever see the changes. I know when someone acts a certain way I expect them to be that way every time. My expectations are fulfilled so that reinforces the situation for the next time.

If I meet someone like it is the first time every day without my own baggage, instead of waiting for them to prove me wrong, maybe I can see the changes they are making.

I remember early in the program when I stopped focusing on changing someone else or in my mind an impossible situation by some miracle it took care of itself. Time and time again this worked when I stopped seeing what expected to see.

With my depression gone I have been able to let go of the fear and trust that it will all work out. Sometimes it seems like magic.