Sometimes the feelings we have have nothing to do with the present circumstances of our life. We store some lost memory and something brings it to the surface and we associate it with the present.
My friend gave me big bag of unshelled pecans a week ago and I had forgotten them until yesterday. As I started to break the shells a memory of my childhood surfaced. The summer that my mother got sick for the first time was during a trip to South Georgia. We were visiting a 2nd cousin and they had a huge pecan grove. It was a fun trip even though there was some sort of tension in their house and later I found out it was alcoholism. Their boys were teenagers and very fun. They talked us into riding horses. It was the first and last time I was ever on a horse. My sister’s horse acted up and she fell off and I decided at that point they were dangerous. It was fun and when we left they gave us a big bag of pecans.
On the way home we shelled and ate pecans until we burst. My mother got so sick when we got back to Atlanta we took her to the hospital. This is when they discovered she had colon cancer. I haven’t thought about that summer in a long time or the association with pecans and my mother’s illness but life is uncertain and memories can be a source of healing.