Saturday, January 30, 2010

Anxious to feel different

I have experienced drastic change within myself since coming into the program. I choose to deny the fact that in order for change to occur there has to be some sort of pain prior to the growth. I have to deny it because if I accepted this I would not want growth. The times of greatest spiritual awakenings were preceded by some of the most painful times of my life. I am good in the first stage “shock and awe” give me a crisis and I can move in and make things happen. I can move mountains but when the dust settles I am there alone with my emotions and doubts and I am terrified. This is when I try what worked for me in the past, staying busy getting into the lives of others but nothing sooths the rising fear and doubt. So I must wait for the shift that ultimate comes and until that happens I am anxious to feel different. This is when I am at my most vulnerable waiting for God. It feels like I will never feel like myself again and this is true. I will never be the same and when the change comes and the truth is revealed I easily forget the pain that seemed like it would never end. Today I know I nearing the end of this cycle of pain and growth but I am not there yet.

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