Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Here Comes The Bride-4th Step

It seems once a year I have the opportunity to review what I own and look at why I am still holding on to things. In my grief I have not really done that since I moved so this weekend I was going through boxes and saw my wedding dress. It has been 20 years since the divorce and I wondered why I am keeping it. So I pulled it out and took some pictures and I will donate it with the rest of the items. The time has come and I have realized that I don’t have to let my past define me anymore.

I think for me this is part of 4th step work. I loved my husband the best way that I could at the time. I was controlling and critical because I was trying to fight the disease of alcoholism. I managed his life down to the minute and he rebelled and left. I my mind he left because his pain was too great and I couldn’t make him happy. At the time I thought it was my responsibility to make him happy and I had the illusion that I had done that and some how I lost my ability to do that. When it was over I felt like a victim until I realized we all are looking for love and comfort. Mostly outside ourselves, the alcoholic uses the drink and we use the alcoholic. Running the lives of others keeps us from looking at ourselves.

I only know my side of any situation and looking at my part honestly I can only hope to do better the next time. Having compassion for the person I was at that time in my life is part of my own recovery. I was in the dark about what I was facing and today I can see that I was doing my best.

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