I have been walking the line between the past and the present over the last couple of weeks and I am not sure where I stand at the moment and wonder does it really matter. Trusting that everything is in perfect order can be a real stretch when you want something to turn out the way you picture it in your mind.
I know what I want or do I even know what I want and again, does it really matter. Step three, made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand him, seems pretty easy if you put it that way but in practice the ability to let something go depends on how important the outcome is to you.
This is where I lose it. Have I done everything I can do without God's help? I can feel my heart aching for things to go my way and the my mind saying this situation is impossible and will never work. Don't get your hopes up verses expect a miracle. So which way do I go?
Before the program I felt I had all of the control and none of the control over my life. What I found out is that both are true, but the things I thought I had control over I didn't and things I thought I didn't I really did. I have control over my own thinking this was a big surprise to me. I can choose to let my thoughts ruin my day or know that they are just thoughts and I can be crazy another day.
The things I thought I could control, just about everything else, I had absolutely no power over. People just went out and did what ever they wanted without even getting my opinion. Couldn't they see the mistakes they were making?
So here I am back to the beginning, having to let things go and turning my will over. The truth is I don't know what is ultimately best for me. When I look at God's track record in my life, I can see a lot of successful decisions he has made for me. I can't take credit for any of the really great things that have happen to me because they were a result of some painful things that happened in my life. Things I would have never willing chosen to go through myself.
I will let go today and decide again tomorrow. Walking the line makes me feel anxious and powerless and I can make a decision be happy today, if I let go and trust the process.