Sunday, November 21, 2010

Seasons come and go - Living in the wild

I am sitting on my porch here on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I bought this house almost three years ago, really just for the porch. It has a large porch over looking a little inlet off the river. The subdivision is tucked in between some apartments and some swanky riverfront homes. It has some pretty amazing wildlife mixed with the sounds or emergency vehicles and whatever is going on on the river.

The porch is on the second floor because I live on a hill, so it is like a tree house. I have been watching the squirrels and now I can hear a bird of some sort washing their wings. With all the growth this year I can't see but a patch of water, but I did venture out a few weeks ago when I heard the noise to see what it was. The bird was going under and then flapping it's wings to dry off.

The first year here I was catatonic for the most part and really don't remember much except for sitting on the porch. Last year I was better and decided that I should do something about all the critters I was living with. The raccoons were taking over and living on top of my porch. I saw a momma and two babies through the clerestory windows from the living room. The squirrels were living in the walls in the winter time and it wasn't until I came out on the porch and disturbed them that I decided to do something.

I can't kill anything except an occasional water bug so I just decided to just make things a little less inviting. I hired a friend to close up the holes around house including a mouse hole leading to my attic. When my air went out this summer the guy was in the attic and informed there was quite a party going on up there.

I have been out of it for a long time and when he said that I wasn't embarrassed in the least. Someone or something should enjoy this house because certainly I wasn't. I was lucky to find it when the market had tanked. I really needed this porch and a place to call home. I spent 13 years fixing up someone else's home and somehow I never felt like it was permanent. You would think I would relax at 10 years but I think somehow I knew it wasn't forever.

Being with an agnostic can be lonely at times. I think that they are probably happier than we are at times, always seeking the truth. When we met I was past the point of trying to change anyone and was in a place of accepting someone as they were. I know I will look back on this time and see how it was for my benefit. I was content in that relationship but I wouldn't say happy. I stayed because I thought I should be happy with being content. So here I am neither happy or content.

I am making progress though, I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning last night putting the finishing touches on the re-designing of my house. This is my core of happiness my home, my space and I haven't felt like I belonged here until now. I was resisting where I was at the core level, as long as I didn't acknowledge it, it didn't exist, just going through the motions.

It has been ugly, all of it, feeling like it was all a lie and facing that I am on my own again. None of that is really true but that is part of the acceptance the anger the denial. Today I am at peace and have a beautiful home to call my own and the ability to take care of myself. I have people that love me and a program that has expanded my life in ways I could never imagine. It was the program that taught me about freedom, freedom to be who you are and the freedom to change who that is daily. No rules, no limitations only the ones you give yourself.

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