Friday, November 19, 2010

Changing things back

I woke up this morning and decided that I didn't like some of the changes I made in my house. A few weeks ago I spent the weekend re-arranging my furniture and after living with for awhile I decided I didn't like it and I spent the evening changing some of it back.

It feels good to be see little glimpses of my old self coming to the surface after such a long period of grief and depression. At my lowest I didn't see any point in being alive most less moving the furniture. Everything seemed like such a monumental task, even small things like loading the dishwasher or even opening the mail seemed more like climbing Mt Everest.

Today I woke up feeling hopeful with no particular dread on my mind. I had my usual cup of coffee and wrote in my journal. I was scheming about changing the furniture back and then I felt my mood slip just a little when I thought about my life, the big picture. What will become of me and starting asking the big questions, is this all there is? Then I shook it off and got my butt in gear and left for work. This is how I know I am not depressed anymore. If I was still depressed I would have crawled back into bed with my clothes on and spent the day there.

It is a tough time of the year for me with both of my long term relationships ending at Thanksgiving and I have to be gentle with myself. The promises say we will not regret the past nor shut the door on it. For me that means accepting where I am and those relationships shaped who I am today and knowing it is all going to work out.

I a happy to not be where I was three years ago or three months ago I am moving forward with the faith that I will get the answers I am looking for when the time is right. For now I will settle for just changing the furniture back to the way it was and leaving everything else alone.

1 comment:

  1. I like that you have the ability to try new things, and if you don't like them you can go back. And I'm glad you are moving out of your depression. I appreciate how much life can get better and that I am never stuck.