Saturday, June 4, 2011

Steam Rollers and Pancakes

I have tried to comment on a couple of post this morning but it seem the system is rejecting my words so I guess I will take a few moments to write a post.

My air conditioning is broken. It is 90+ degrees and 80% humidity here and it is hard to keep hydrated or sleep at night. I am from the deep south and my heat tolerance is pretty high but it doesn't make me want to go home and do chores. I lay on the bed as still as possible with the fan blowing on me. Just like we did as kids before everyone had air conditioning.

I think this is why people think southerners a lazy. It is really energy conservation it is in our genes we move slow and talk slow. We think before we speak so we don't waste energy on needless words. (writing doesn't count)

Last year when I attended a funeral in Georgia, where my daddy's family live, his brothers and sister sat in a circle on the carport telling tall family tales. Between each story there would be a long pause for what seemed like and eternity and then another story. This can be unnerving for people that hate silence. But for me it felt like home no pressure to fill the void. The introverted clan gathered together enjoying the peace and quiet.

Back in the real world if you don't rush to speak people sometimes feel the need to speak for you. Why are we so uncomfortable with silence? I see this in meetings where if there is a pause, some people seem to need to jump in even if they already shared. I tend to think the pause gives someone afraid to speak time to built up courage to say something.

Don't get me wrong I like to talk and sometimes the only time I am not talking is when I am alone. But I like to listen too. I like to take it all in and mull it around in my head and then think about it some more and then comment.

Unfortunately the people I am drawn to are usually the ones that don't understand the mulling over part. They want quick responses and in heat of battle will roll over me like a tank. In the past I would lay there flatten like a pancake hoping I was invisible until they went on to something else. Sometimes I would make an attempt to explain myself on the spot, that never works. This only gave them the opportunity to roll over me again.

I spent a lot of time scared to face the bully's I loved and felt shutting down was my only option. What I have learned is that just because someone says something with authority doesn't mean they are right. It was my own self doubt that fueled my fear and gave them the edge. If you live with someone like this over time they can beat you down and in the isolated co-dependant relationship they are your whole world and you have no where to go.

This is how the disease of alcoholism worked in my life. Because of my own insecurities and my desperate need to be loved I was willing to hand over all my power and self-worth to someone else. Pretty soon I totally disappeared and just became a shadow. I was a zombie in my own life.

I took my zombie self to my first meeting. The words they said slowly started to seep in I was a separate person not the shadow of the one I loved. I was a fully formed individual that had the same rights and needs as anyone else. I was God's creation and worthy of the same things as anyone else.

Just words then but slowly as the steps stripped away the layers of self hate I started to forgive myself for letting me down. I started to see how I got to where I was and it wasn't any one's fault not even my own, because I had done my best.

Waking up to the truth was shocking at first and I resisted. I couldn't believe that I had the power to change my thoughts and my situation. I wasn't trapped and every day I could choose again. I could make small healthier choices for myself and re-create myself over and over again.

These days I get stuck because I know that I know better and have no one to blame but myself for where I am. I just have to sit in it until I am ready to make a change. I want someone to blame I want someone to rescue me from myself but there is no one. There has never really been anyone to do that because you gotta do it yourself. Other people can comfort along the way or distract when you are avoiding the truth but those aren't solutions. In the end it is just you and your maker.

Just for today I can deal with that and I can lovingly accept where I am in my life and be happy that I have made this far.


  1. It is awesome when the truth dawns. It is painful at first to see where I failed. But now I see that I have the key.

  2. Great post. Thank you for sharing. There are some words in there that I really needed to be reminded of.

  3. Dear one thank you for sharing and what experiences you go through when it comes to meeting up with people. Blessings.

  4. I like to talk too, but I'm learning, slowly, to talk deliberately. (Writing does not count!) Sometimes I talk when I am alone, but that's just an indication that something is not right with me. Oh, those conversations I have in my head. And I lived in GA for five years, then moved to CA. When I came back for a visit life seemed to be moving in slow motion. I loved those GA days.