Wednesday, June 15, 2011
It is the end or just the beginning.
I mentioned before that I feel as if my quest for truth has come to an end. This really scared me to see the gaping hole that will be left as I abandon my search for God. What I have found is that he has been here all along, I have just had my eyes shut.
I wanted to find the secret formula for happiness and for curing what ails me. I wanted it to be complicated and the road less traveled. I wanted the experience to be unique and special to me. God doesn't work that way he knows we are all equally special because he made us.
I am not saying I have found utopia or that the conclusion I have come to would or should work for anyone else. I just know that my journey for the truth has come to an end and going forward I am willing to accept the grace of each day. I feel free for the first time since I was eight and spent the summer making mud pies.
How did I get here? Through the steps mostly. This part of the story is unique to me. It was my journey and I was stuck for awhile and then I wasn't. I wanted it to be complicated because I am complicated. This statement defines me. I want to believe I am special and there lies the problem. It keeps me stuck and simple frees me.
The steps are simple for a reason. Even if I decided to make them complicated it is because I was sick and in my sickness I have to make it hard. I understand hard simple not so much.
Could it be that freedom from pain is as simple as 12 steps? Is it my need to make it hard that slows me down? My need to feel special that keeps me in the I am broken loop.
I have never before felt this way. I knew my mind wasn't 100% willing to relinquish control over me but I never thought it really thrived on holding me back.
Over the past months I have struggled with this idea. The idea of letting go of the search for God and just living. My mind was against this and the backlash was huge. You will have nothing left of who you thought you were and will be a simple minded fool. Your life will be empty and you will be bored. My biggest fear.
I broke free and ran like the wind, just like I did when I was eight. I was able to see that without this search I could be a giver and not a taker. I could fill my time living instead searching. I could offer comfort instead of asking for comfort. I could learn to be comfortable being fixed instead of comfortable being broken.
So what is next? I don't really know and it doesn't matter. I am sure my ego will try to find ways to sabotage my freedom. What do you think you are perfect? Yes, I am perfectly human and have done the best I could even when sometimes even my best wasn't good enough. It is the past and today I choose better.
I am playing it be ear now. I have made plans to go see my sister when the owner comes back next week. I am on a quest for joy now and we will see where that takes me.