I did some cleaning Sunday as part of my new slogan "Embrace it or get rid of it". I went through some photo albums of my first family vacation with my ex. I could see I was unhappy on that trip. I already felt trapped. I remember painting pottery. It was the one thing at the resort that I could get in to.
I know it was nobody's fault. I have hurried through my life without stopping and asking myself, what do I really want to do with my time? Opportunities just presented themselves and I said might as well because I didn't have a better plan.
It is easy to just accept what comes your way or just go with the flow. I discovered recently that I have to find out what is fun for me and try different things. Even if that means doing things alone or facing failure.
The first thing I discovered was that I like to go to the movies alone in the middle of the day. A big empty theater with gigantic sound thrills me. I like being alone doing this because I don't have to coordinate with anyone. I can just drive to the theater and see the next movie.
I saw Super 8 Imax yesterday. It was great and only five people in the theater. The Imax part was a splurge but worth it. How can such a simple thing as going to the movies in the middle of the day be so much fun.
I think I have spent my life making things run smoothly for the greater good and never felt appreciated. I didn't think I was doing for the appreciation I thought I was doing it to make the lives of others better but I neglected my own needs in the process.
This has been my life lesson up until now. I have repeated this over and over. I put my time and energy into something and I make it run perfectly. I am invisible and then I get dumped or fired depending on the situation. I am shocked every time.
This happens to everyone at some point but I think I for me the solution is to stop doing this at the expense of my own wants and needs. Before I didn't want to spend the energy finding out what those wants and needs were so I ended just taking care of the needs of others.
So now I am just going to look for the things that give me joy and not worry about keeping things together. Can I really do that? Can I give up feeling responsible for the happiness of others? Can I let what happens happen without interfering?
I might be surprise who steps up or how things work out if I let go. Wish me luck.