Monday, October 3, 2011
A skirt that doesn't fit anymore - Meltdowns and more
I am at work today catching up on things. I hadn't planned on coming in but someone wanted to sign a contract and bring me a check. I couldn't put that off.
My partner is in the middle of a meltdown and can see no good in her life. She had a computer meltdown and her step daughter stayed the weekend. It is really more than that it is a combination of thinking how did I get here and I don't want to be here.
I had those same feeling yesterday home alone with the huge task of cleaning my upstairs. I am getting a free bed for my spare room so I had to face organizing and getting rid of things. I have tried this before but swimming through the past made me run before the job was finished.
In my depression I abandoned the upstairs. I really have no need to go up there so I don't it was dusty and littered with boxes of photos and things that were once important to me.
I came across a Christmas tree skirt that my ex's mom made. She made one for each of her children and I guess it got mixed up my stuff. What should I do with? The child in me said burn it. The adult in me said send back. It is in my past and has nothing to do with me today. I don't even decorate for the holidays.
I stopped mid meltdown and decided to write. What came out was am I where I am (alone) because I made bad decisions or is this just how life is? The flip side is that I know a lot of people that have the family and children and there not happy either. It just goes to show that you just got to keep moving and not dwell on what you don't have or what didn't work out.
The writing brought me full circle and made me see I can dwell on the past or work with what is in the moment. I don't know how my story ends and I expect that I will not be alone unless I want to be.
The upstairs is sparkling clean I rallied the committee in my head and we got the job done. As far a the Christmas tree skirt is concerned I left it laying on the couch. I can make that decision another day when I am not so emotional.