My friend came over Sunday and noticed that I had planted an herb pot and set it by the front door. He asked me how long it had been there and I said a week. He said I guess you really are back.
Every day I realize that I have been gone for a long time. I am grateful that I have returned from the land of darkness and can be myself again. I can just be OK doing something or nothing there is no pain in just being. No desperation to attend to.
We spent some time together walking the beach and I took the opportunity to make amends.When I decided to turn within and exit public life he was really impacted by this. I didn't ask for forgiveness but I did say I was sorry for the suffering I might have caused him.
Our relationship will never be the same and maybe that is a good thing. I had to save myself and go deep and face my biggest fear. The fear that I will end up alone that I am unlovable just as I have suspected all along.
This idea, this thought has held back and made me stay where I didn't belong. Fueled my desire to work endlessly just to get the approval of someone anyone. I am nothing without your approval. If I anticipate your every need and make all your wishes come true you will have to love me. Right?
Every day I realize just how wrong I have been about everything in my life. How all my beliefs were wrapped up in the opinions of others. I also have realized that I am the only person that causes my pain to linger. The act of unkindness or the words of another only lasted that moment and it is me that keeps it alive by thinking about it. Over and over I choose to relive it in my head.
I think if this hadn't happen to me then I wouldn't the person I am today. True but I can learn to forget and live without inflicting the pain of the past over and over. The loop of self-torture. I am broken, I am sad, I am lonely. These thoughts have held me under water for my whole life.
It is the past and needs to be forgotten. It is a radical thought because we honor the past so much. The past has kept me from being free today. I don't need the past to be the person I am today. I know people who think this is absurd to just let it go. Without our story we are nothing. Is that true? Without our past we don't exist?
Just a thought. Take what you like and leave the rest.