Wednesday, June 6, 2012
What you think about me is none of my business.
I thought it sounded like an excuse to not even consider how my actions might affect others. This is a selfish disease and the pain it inflicts is pretty wide spread.
That being said I understand it better now. We all get something out of being in relationships with people who are addicted and relationships in general. I couldn't really see that at first how my whole identity was wrapped up in caring for others and looking for appreciation or recognition. I didn't consider myself valuable enough without seeing myself as a caring selfless person. But secretly I had built my self worth around being seen as this kind of person.
When I took my sabbatical from being everything to everyone I was hurt because life went on. No one really noticed my absence that much. I struggle with the emptiness of feeling invisible and didn't know who I was without the label of "the rock", always there when you needed someone.
Who am I if I am not this label? Could my ego handle being just me without being needed. How would I make it without the opinions of others to prop me up? Can I be OK just to be a child of God.
I have been empty to some degree most of my life. Running around looking for ways to fill that void. I did it with work, love, food and even spirituality. Obsessing about one thing or another to avoid the truth. I believed without these things I was nothing.
My mind doesn't like the idea that I am nothing. I am a human being put on this earth for a short time and then I will disappear and will be forgotten.
This was a hard idea for me to accept but for me it has lead me to freedom and peace. I can see now the very resistance to this idea was actually holding me back. Interrupting the flow of my life.
I can still make a difference when another crosses my path I can comfort them and they can comfort me. I can see the miracle that just being and not grasping for something that will not ever satisfy me.
I am in the flow once again and everything is working just as it should even my own stumbling blocks are part of the process. I have learned a lot about trusting that all is well even if by all appearances it looks pretty bad.
All I have to do is show up and do my best and accept the outcome as part of the process. When I know I have done my best, even if it isn't good enough for you, I can rest in the idea that that is none of my business.