Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What you think about me is none of my business.

What you think about me is none of my business.  This phrase from the program always made me really mad because it meant to me the feelings of others is not important.  I didn't really hear this in Al-Anon but from one of my friends in AA.

I thought it sounded like an excuse to not even consider how my actions might affect others. This is a selfish disease and the pain it inflicts is pretty wide spread.

That being said I understand it better now. We all get something out of being in relationships with people who are addicted and relationships in general. I couldn't really see that at first how my whole identity was wrapped up in caring for others and looking for appreciation or recognition. I didn't consider myself valuable enough without seeing myself as a caring selfless person. But secretly I had built my self worth around being seen as this kind of person.

When I took my sabbatical from being everything to everyone I was hurt because life went on. No one really noticed my absence that much. I struggle with the emptiness of feeling invisible and didn't  know who I was without the label of "the rock", always there when you needed someone.

Who am I if I am not this label? Could my ego handle being just me without being needed. How would I make it without the opinions of others to prop me up? Can I be OK just to be a child of God.

I have been empty to some degree most of my life. Running around looking for ways to fill that void. I did it with work, love, food and even spirituality. Obsessing about one thing or another to avoid the truth. I believed without these things I was nothing.

My mind doesn't like the idea that I am nothing. I am a human being put on this earth for a short time and then I will disappear and will be forgotten.

This was a hard idea for me to accept but for me it has lead me to freedom and peace. I can see now the very resistance to this idea was actually holding me back. Interrupting the flow of my life.

I can still make a difference when another crosses my path I can comfort them and they can comfort me. I can see the miracle that just being and not grasping for something that will not ever satisfy me.

I am in the flow once again and everything is working just as it should even my own stumbling blocks are part of the process. I have learned a lot about trusting that all is well even if by all appearances it looks pretty bad.

All I have to do is show up and do my best and accept the outcome as part of the process. When I know I have done my best, even if it isn't good enough for you, I can rest in the idea that that is none of my business.

1 comment:

  1. Right. When it, "isn't good enough for you, I can rest in the idea that that is none of my business". When someone feels compelled to tell me what to do I am grateful that I don't have to take their advice. I can thank them. If I feel like it. I can tell them they are entitled to their opinion. But their opinion doesn't make it MINE. Just like I can't make my opinion theirs.

    Thanks for the reminder. :)